whatcha doin'?

Oh nothing, just building my nuclear submarine!! KIRIGAKURE is born!! [insert evil laugh]! i'll rule the world!! today Paris, tomorrow -- um, the WORLD!! [insert hysterical laugh]! measuring approx. 210 mm in length and standing a whopping 150 mm high, this monster boomer carries enough nuclear payload to wipe out almost all my lego sets and gundams on my display shelf! weighing in at almost 1000 grams, this leviathan will strike fear into the hearts of those who oppose me! possessing massive striking power, and armed with the latest weaponry (ballistic Q-Tip missiles with a range of up to 1000 mm), nations will tremble at the very sight of it!! WATCH OUT! you better not cross my path or i'll have to bomb the hell out of you! that's right! BOW BEFORE ME, ALL HUMANITY!!

well, not quite. there's no need to fear, unless of course you do not fulfill at least 5 of the following criteria:

• you are hot
• you own a gun
  
• you are bigger than me
• you know martial arts
• you are proficient with a machete
• you are homophobic
• you smell nice
• you have, in your possession at this moment, a female reproductive system
• you have food for me
• you like relient k
• you think i'm cool
• you carry a firearm of sorts