Make like beavers.

and so somewhat ends my hectic-ish week. first was the first game of the season (volleyball game versus Newtonbrook, who beat us out in the end by a slim margin) and then the tournament i had yesterday (more volleyball). not to mention school stuff going on regardless of whether i'm working at keeping up or not. then today, (you can skip to next sentence, just know this one speaks of much much much work) i was assigned a new pile of math homework (factoring = easy but tedious and repetitive), a science project, a french grammar test on monday, the task of perfecting and polishing my english assignment for assessment due tuesday, and an oral commentary on a passage of choice from the text to be presented on wednesday. oh man, is God going to have to do some pulling me through or what?!
also this week were the final preparations for Praise and Worship night at Hosanna, which consisted of a practice yesterday and more of that today. so far so good - worship was very good considering the fact that we had only about... 2 practices and half the songs were sight read tonight. somehow, He gave us a way. Benson's sharing was interesting, piquing my attention at certain points (in some pretty convoluted and awkward ways, i must admit) and Steph's was just moving. then there was my spontaneous sharing thingy which turned out a bit preachy and really quite geeky with the mention of X and Y's, independent and dependent variables and such. goodness, i'm no good at getting ideas across to other people...
i'm sick as... well not a dog, but something that's got a stuffy head and sore respiratory system. this is what i get for sleeping late to finish stuff after my tournament yesterday and waking early to continue working on stuff before school. like God's "Critical failure imminent!" warning. time to slow down and just rest a bit, though that mountain of "To Do" isn't getting any smaller. time to sleep and get better.
good thing there was no exchange of skin cells tonight; the last thing i want is contagion - especially not for her.
(>_O)

About-Face

God damn me. seriously, i deserve it. i wouldn't be the least disappointed if i were to be struck down by a not-so-straying bolt of judgement tomorrow, or in the next couple hours for that matter. i wonder why God even puts up with wretches like me. then again, if i were to die tomorrow - or very soon in general - i guess i would be a bit disappointed for loss of opportunities to earn my Heaven Rewards Miles. also, death would be far too simple and easy a solution for me.
time to get back to the basics. i'm Scripture-bound.

"for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity."
- Proverbs 24:16

" There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins."
- Ecclesiastes 7:20

though His mercy is totally miscalculated, God help me.

Let it be You.

The dirt in this place has filled my eyes,
And I can't see, no I can't see a thing.
Perhaps this next step will take me home,
Or for all I know, lead me to certain death.

Pretty Sunday, wooden pews.
Word of God, healing for my soul.
Friday night, rusty park bench.
Laughter and addictions for my pain.

Cause I don't know who's winning this tug of war,
But it better be You, it better be You.
For heaven's sake, my heart's about to rip in two,
So it better be You, it better be You.

Sometimes I don't know why You would fight,
Take battle scars, and waste Your angels on me.
'Cause when you ask me if I love You
In all I do, at best I say, "I don't know."

Tonight I pray, tonight I cry
For kindred souls, souls that have starved like mine.
And so I sing, and so I shout,
So we might give and sing our hearts out to You!

'Cause I don't know who's winning this tug of war,
So let it be You, let it be You.
For heaven's sake, my heart's about to rip in two,
So let it be You, let it be You.

- Koo Chung, Better Be You

EDIT: speaking of music, i've been listening to my older records lately (i.e. some Treble Charger, Pilate, and my Chrono Cross OST); w00t for nostalgia! "Caught By The Window" always reminds me of winter for some reason... odd. also on the topic of music, i recently (i.e. last night) went to look up "The Postal Service" on Google for their site and maybe some info when i discovered that they've got two songs that i loved - "loved" because i deleted them when i got rid of my illegit music - that were on the Sub Pop Records site. w00tage. then i found a remixed version of one of those songs. more w00tage.

info @ the P.Pole 09.25.05

our team's got an exibition game against the seniors tomorrow so i dunno if i'll have time to write my I@P then. so, this week's is earlier.

5 priorities that i think should be at the top of every man's list (from most to least pressing, IMO):

1. God - listening to Him speak, applying it; this includes serving Him (and so, serving the world); obeying God's command, bar none; basically seeking Him in general.
2. Spouse - honouring what God has/will/may give[n] to him; being there for her; respecting, caring for, protecting, and loving her; in essence, being a living example of "WWJD" towards the second love of his life, the first being God.
3. Friendship - again, like the spouse, but on a different level.
4. Being noble - honouring his promises and oaths to God, then to men; fulfilling his duties as the head of a house, raising up a God-fearing family; providing; etc...
5. Learning and sharing knowledge - a man's educational life should span his lifetime; he should seek knowledge and wisdom, always with a thirst for more; he should also be ready and even eager to impart his knowledge and discuss theories with others to either gain or provide enlightenment (from God) or both.

and yeah, that's just what i thought i could do for a list this week. O.o

Will Always Be

He guides me on my way,
step by step, day by day.
my paths are lit by His ray,
but only because He loves me.

i read His word and can hear Him call.
but of course i never understand it all;
at times i'm even thrown against the walls,
but only because He loves me.

i've been blessed and given possessions
even in light of my transgressions;
my God accepts my confessions,
but only because He loves me.

my God can see ever clearly through me,
and never settles to leave me be;
He goes out of His way to help me see,
but only because He loves me.

just my God and i,
we'll walk side by side.
i've nothing to lose, or hide,
but only because He loves me.

but even if the world hates me,
that will always be.

EDIT: by Me.
some Psalmage:

"But you, O Sovereign LORD,
deal with me for your name's sake;
out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me."

- Psalm 109:21-22

info @ the P.Pole 09.20.05

okay, so i was one day late for the I@P but i had a valid reason. actually, 4 valid reasons: math, science, english, and french. school work is quite bogging but oh well. btw, click the title for "Stick It to Your Man" by the Roman Candles. oh yum... *rubs hands*

5 things i could waste use hours of time on:

• homework
  
• MSN, Google Talk, blogging, basically anything internet related
• reading
• coming up with my own little "interpretive dance" routines for my techno music
• browsing for legit music - my playlist is now up to 350+ legit tracks

oh man, it's official, my french teacher is in love with me. she goes out of her way to make sure i know that my work was "magnifique! bravo - Larker - ! bon travail!" et cetera... O.o

How's this for romantic?

dude. here i've got poetry, rhyming verses, mushy lyrics, AND it's in french. i'm just missing a rose in my mouth and a guitar with which to serenade away. some day. i hope you like it for now.

pour vous:

Elle m’a blessé quand je l’ai vu;
Votre tristesse est ma douleur.
Je l’aurais pris sur moi-même si j’ai pu,
Encore s’il m’a laissé sans couleur.

Je vous ai dit que je vous attendrai.
Je vous ai dit ça, c’est le cri de mon âme.
Je demande seulement que vous me croyez.
Je vous rassure, « nous » sommes « pure laine ».

C’est une bénédiction de vous connaître.
Je ne vous taquine jamais quand je dis,
« Vous êtes vraiment ma raison d’être. »
Voyez : j’ai bondi de joie quand vous avez ri.

Je ne comprends pas votre souffrance.
Je serais menteur si j’ai dit ça.
Je serai encore là pour vous, pas par chance.
Je vous entendrai, parlez à moi.

cheer up, dear lady.

for you:

i don't get what you're going through.
i would be lying if i told you that i did.
but whatever it is, i'm here for you,
so call me if ever you want to lift the lid.

dear, please believe me when i say
that when it comes to your pain,
i would love to take it all away,
even if it leaves me dead and slain.

so why do you hide your face from me?
i mean you no harm, far from it.
i guess i just want to help you to see
that you and i are quite a nice fit.

it hurts me to see you in such pain,
even more so when i can't help relieve.
i can't protect you from all the rain
but i promise to wait; i'll never leave.

so let the skies pour out their gloom.
we'll walk through the puddles, the puddles of life.
after the storms, the flow'rs shall bloom.
remember, the blessings will come after the strife.

how ironic.

i don't understand many things, like God and His ways. i do understand, however, that i won't ever be able to understand Him, but that doesn't mean i'll stop seeking Him. no, not ever. on the contrary, everytime He hides some of Himself, it naturally piques my curiosity and i seek Him even more. still, one thing remains that confounds me: why me? i mean, why me, out of the multitudes? why did / does God choose me over the countless others? "Who Am I?" in earnest. i mean, i've definitely never done anything to deserve any love from anyone (especially not a righteous and perfect god) - in fact, i've done things that would do nothing but to test His love, to make it hard for God. there are people, none believers even, who are less sinful than i, and all i feel is a sense of inadequacy. i mean, God deserves better. i'm a failure.

how very true, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15). and how i loathe myself. i need not search far to find evil's archetype, for it is from within myself, not without, that evil and sinful desires come. and sadly, more often than not the flesh's weakness overpowers the strength of the spirit. but trudging on with nothing but God at my side is the only thing that i can do, keeping the ultimate goal in mind. always keeping that in mind. Art's message today was quite moving / thought-provoking, as was sunday school. persistence is only sustainable if something - a reward worth striving for, hurting for, and suffering for - is expected at the end. amen. i'm hopeful.

i found it quite awkward , sitting just a brief moment ago in the board room; during the Hosanna core members' meeting, they were discussing certain people who require "extra care". i referred to them as "they" because i don't exactly fit in with them (or maybe i was just out of it). i'm no leader, what's God trying to pull? i can barely get my own life together can't even get myself together, much less help others and care for others. i look around and my friends who i've grown up with are doing great; they're mature, serving, leading, and growing up into perfect Christians. the first thought that runs through my mind is, "ZOMG, WTFISWRONGWITHME?!" and the second thought is, "Wow, what is wrong with me?!" and so on until i manage to push it out of my mind. they might deserve to be leaders, i don't. i'm unworthy.

and so i sat in that meeting, people talking around me about how much we should be caring for the new ones, and whatnot. something just didn't feel right, that i was sitting in a meeting with people discussing caring for others, i'm not sure what it was. maybe it's because i know myself that i'm too wrapped up in the folds of my own life to care about the lives, pains, and struggles of others, aren't i? how very pathetic i must be to others. i'm apathetic.

maybe all this stuff i'm saying is just my own subconscious cry for attention. not so subconscious now, i guess. once again, why would i deserve attention? what have i ever done to deserve, command, or attract care? nothing. zilch. yet God listens to prayers. friends listen to rants. true friends dress my wounds, and God heals them. how selfish of me to ever want anything more. i thank God for being my god, for choosing me to be His child, for overlooking my transgressions, and for loving me, bar none. i also thank Him for my friends that are always there for me, that don't always tell me what i'd like to hear, but rather, what i need to hear; "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword." (Proverbs 5:3-4). for friends who are honest and caring, i am truly glad. i'm blessed.

if we know God, then we must know His instruction, but how can we possibly hope to know His will if we do not listen to Him when He calls? simple: we can't. that's why my Bible now goes with me everywhere. i don't even know how i got by all those years when i neglected my God. and that's what it is: negligence. i didn't believe that it would really make a difference in my life, spending time with God. but it does, take my word on it. and the way i see it now, how can we call ourselves Christians and possibly hope to go out and do His will when we don't even allow Him to do His will in us, when we don't even "have the time" to read His word.
someone asked me the other day - jokingly - when i corrected the teacher's error relating to Biblical matters, "What, do you study your Bible in your free time or something?!"
i replied, "No. I don't read my Bible in my spare time."
"What?! I thought you were a Christian though!"
"I am, that's why I try to make time."

here's my point: read your Bible, or die. simple as that. damn North America. i mean seriously, damn us and our "culture", our "everything is disposable" attitude, our laid-back, time wasting lifestyles. i get pissed when i think of how many people out there who don't even know the name of Jesus and how we here in the global north own several editions and versions of the Holy Bible but don't read it. in light of that, i promised to read my Bible, to wake up early to do nothing other than to spend those precious moments in the morning with my God, praying, reading, and listening. i might not have as much sleep as before but who needs sleep when you've got God to refresh, renew, and replenish? once again, God will give us what we need, what's best for us, and maybe what our hearts desire (depending on His approval) if we'd only fear, love, and thus, listen to Him.

don't break it.

i want to know the place, where you come from.
i'd like to see your face, when i wake up.
i offer me, just for yourself,
wrapped up for you, and no one else.
and no one else, could be appreciative,
be as appreciative, of your charm.

when you walk,
you take your time, take the tiniest steps.
when i'm at your side,
if you feel you're left behind, i'll slow down to your pace.

and we'll be like a tree, and we'll grow on.
and if the world should end, with fire and bombs...
i'd like to be there, holding hands.
with you i'll view, the end of the lands.
and no on else, could steal a piece like you,
could steal a piece that big, of my heart.

when you walk,
you take your time, take the tiniest steps.
when i'm at your side,
if you feel you're left behind, i'll slow down to your pace.

i want to be with you, and we will be together.
i want to be with you, and we will live forever.

- Gob, 144

good old Gob. y'know, i got this CD (The World According to Gob) awhile ago (as in years ago) from Herman as a birthday gift and it's still in circulation among my other, relatively recent, purchases. Gob is great. All the time. All the time. Gob is great. just kidding. but God sure is great, all the time...

EDIT: everyone, go to PureVolume, NOW and grab some of "The Juliana Theory". do it.

Trouble In Paradise

so i've been busy - i had volleyball try-outs/pseudo-practices since last thursday for the school volleyball team and it turns out i don't suck as much as 12 of the other 24 guys that tried out. freakin' awesome. i remember wanting to be on the team, but not wanting to look forward to making it. i didn't want to be disappointed/shamed. but in reality i did want to make it. more than i let on at first.
well anyway, i just remember days of suck, and how i used to depend on God to deliver when the suck really hit the fan. then i read my name on the list of people who made the team and i thought/believed that my life was on finally taking a turn towards becoming one of those oh so deceptive "lives" that i see other people toting around. funny how selfish we humans are, running to God when we "need" Him and abandoning Him (even if it was just for a second) when we "don't". thing is, we always need Him, 'cause once we think we've got it down, he will bring us down. and He'll let him. it was humbling indeed. strugglefications. how remedial my struggles must seem to God...
"if at first you don't succeed, try and try again. if you still don't succeed, do what you should've done at the start and hand your controller over to God and watch Him pwn."
- me, can't you tell?!
and another...
"fell in love with the game, but i forgot Your name. go ahead, please fight me. 'cause i'm not scared. though You stayed the same, i forgot from where i came."
- Blindside, Fell In Love With The Game

info @ the P.Pole 09.12.05

last week was, let's say, a roller coaster of sorts. some lows of lows. some highs of highs. scary in betweens. but this week shall be different, i just know it.

5 bands (or songs by them) that i am really digging right now:

• Blindside - When I Remember, Ask Me Now, This Is A Heart Attack, City Lights, Yamelka, practically the entirety of the Great Depression.
• Hawk Nelson - have you ever noticed how many songs there are out their either named "California" (or is a variation - Californication anyone? - or have the word in the title somewhere), or is about this west-coast state? many. thanks to Hannah for bringing my attention to this band (though i doubt she reads the P.Pole).
• Spoon - Jonathan Fisk, Lines In The Suit, Me And The Bean, The Way We Get By, basically all the songs i grabbed off a - legit - site (linked by a blog that i don't recall right now) by these guys. very good. reminds me of... no one. the mark of good music. ask and i'll send away (remember, totally legit).
  
• The Roman Candles - Stick It To Your Man, just 'cause this song is really quite "mmm..." material.
  
• The Spill Canvas - basically all the songs downloadable off of PV are good. you know where to hit up next, don't you?
  

Mmmusic.

I never dreamt it'd be this way.
I lost any chance for me to say...
To say that I miss you, say that I love you.
Will someone please tell me I'm okay?

I wasn't prepared for what's to come.
A life made of memories gone so young.
And now I'm regretting all I've done,
But in your heart know that I'm with you all along.

Wherever you go, I will be waiting.
Whenever you call, I will be there.
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright.
I'm in your heart tonight.

I never thought that this could go.
And take me away from all I know.
And leave me to think I'm on my own.
But your love will take me, you were the one...

...Who sat through nights
You held me tight.
And made sure I'm okay.
And I thank you for the love you gave to me.

Wherever you go, I will be waiting.
Whenever you call, I will be there.
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright.
I'm in your heart tonight...

Tonight...

Wherever you go, I will be waiting.
Whenever you call, I will be there.
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright.
Wherever you go, I will be waiting.
Whenever you call, I will be there.
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright.
And if I should fall, I know you're waiting.
And if I should call, I know you're there.
If ever you cry just know,
I'm in your heart tonight...
I'm in your heart tonight.

- Amber Pacific, Gone So Young

lyrics are so awesome. this is my cheap way of pseudo-blogging for now since i'm a bit busy with school stuff, too busy to write anything properly.

EDIT: spent the afternoon discussing things like the future and what'll become of us (mostly of me). a tad scary. let's see how far wistful / wishful thinking gets us. i've also been formulating new and creative ideas for some stuff i'm going to be making in awhile. time to think in advance (i've got a good 2+ months) and eventually create.

EDIT (cont'd): spent some more time discussing needing others and being needed (as in i had a spiel and she listened, as usual 8D) and came out with some interesting hypotheses. i also ended up divulging about my previous night's thoughts, struggles, and other such paraphernalia that i'd rather not post onto the oh so private internet.

i keep getting the feeling...

...that God means to put me in solitary confinement, possibly as His oh so just punishment on my soul for being a failure all my life. yet He's still God, and who can blame Him? no one. in the end, whatever becomes of me will inevitably be much deserved. not that quiet and solitude usually bug me, but it seems that whenever i want to have company, to have companionship, to be able to share something special, some sort of intimate connection of minds and hearts with others, i fail. miserably. and it's never someone else's fault, it's all in my head. it can't be everyone else if the only recurring factor is me...
prepare yourself for teenage, angsty cliche: "no one understands me." well, as far as i can see, no one but Him. then again, a lonely life would only be one lacking God.

I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."

- David, Psalm 16:2

someone please prove me wrong, lest i am left to meander alone.

Where're your friends?
Where're your friends?
Where are your friends, man?
What? What? Where're my friends?

All my friends are dead.
All my friends are dead.
You got kicked in the head,
All my friends are dead.

All my friends are dead.
All my friends are dead.
You got smacked in the head,
All my friends are dead.

I always knew that they would
end up like today.
They bought the bullet and they
paid with hand grenades.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

All my dreams were lies.
All my dreams were lies.
Nightmares in disguise,
All my dreams were lies.

All my friends are dead.
All my friends are dead.
You got dragged outta bed,
Now they're buried and they're dead.

I always knew that they would
end up like today.
They bought the bullet and they
paid with hand grenades.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Fuckin' hey!

I always knew that they would
end up like today.
They bought the bullet and they
played with hand grenades.

Now they're buried and they're dead!
Dead!

- Turbonegro, All My Friends Are Dead

when will my silly heart learn? humanity blows.

Sing it.

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.

May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah

May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.

We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.

Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

O LORD, save the king!
Answer us when we call!

- David, Psalm 20

the bottom line is that God kicks booty. and for even more Psalm-age...

Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
they have pierced my hands and my feet.

I can count all my bones;
people stare and gloat over me.

They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.

- David, Psalm 22:16-18

remind you of anything? anything important? hmmm?!

EDIT:
oh i shan't
post my rant.

thank you. *bows*

The Great Depression

And so one morning just before dawn You came
Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in Your hand
As the moist air up to Your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw Your lips move
Asking: "Did you lose something?"
I stood glued to the window

Emotions running through my vein
How I know a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known You all along.
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life.
Can I exhale and go into exile?
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You.

And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost

I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along.
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life.
Can I exhale and go into exile?
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You.

- Blindside, Ask Me Now

no time to gripe about school, but it's implied. wicked song. even wicked-er day. today started a bit iffy, with grey clouds looming overhead as soon as i woke, but remembering that the sun is bright and ever gleaming just beyond the clouds. and lo and behold, my grey skies were cleared for me later on. just hold out.

EDIT: more bloody spammage of lyrics. deal.

Look, listen to my voice
If you're making the choice.
Tell me, all the girls and the boys,
Either scream or rejoice.
Let's make that noise.
Either move or we will all be destroyed.

Move and show me what you can do
When you step into the circle and shake like we do.
Move when you just can't take it
And move if you just feel like breaking it.

Can you hear me? Stop, look, listen to my voice,
It was never my choice to feel all alone.
This is my home.
Back up, you don't know if you've never been here,
You've never been to the place inside, I face my fears.
It takes everything I am.

If you come near me, stop, look, listen to my voice.
If you're making the choice tell all the girls and the boys,
Either scream or rejoice.
Let's make that noise.
Either move or we will all be destroyed.
Back up and let go if you've never been here,
You've never been to the place inside, I face my fears.
It takes everything I am.

I come crashing to the floor,
And I know there must be more like me.
I've seen this all before, I can't carry this anymore, break free.
Breathe, and leave until the storm is over.
'Cause underneath, there's a diamond passing over.
So breathe, let's leave until the storm is over,
Because I want to take you away.

- Thousand Foot Krutch, Move

Hell if I know...

...why some things - sometimes things of nothing - just nudge me the wrong way, but hey what the fanny, here goes with some lyrics.

Walk around the room with a glaze in your stare.
In your tuxedo suit.
I will give it a name.
Lower your defenses;
I'll lower your casket.
Open the door; open your grave.
Murder.

Now you're doing the waltz with your murderer.
Mediocrity is the killer.
You find yourself helpless.
Christ is not a fashion, fleeting away.

He laid emeralds in her eyes,
but I'd already tried
a bracelt made of gold
and a scarlet thread around her wrist.
Everything was wrong so we sang sentimental songs.

Oh how seldom we belong but how elegant our kiss.
And we painted crooked lines
but danced in perfect time to a love so much refined,
we know not what it is until like a dullen wine,
we pour into a grief known before...
But never quite like this.

All I know now is regret,
it follows like a silhouette along the cobbelstone behind us,
but has nothing to say except to innocently ask,
its voice delicate as glass,
"Do you see me when we pass?"
but... I continue on my way.

- Norma Jean, Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste

just cling like plastic wrap to hope.

Go away. I'm afraid.
With you, there could be no escape.
I have... no faith.
I've seen truth and reason down the drain.

But I cling to You for survival,
and I know that You are my Bible.

Get out. I'm scared
for the moment,
but I know, You'll be there.
Well I'm scared
for the moment,
but I know, You'll be there.

By the way, the things You say
freak me out: I go out of my head.
I feel no shame
when I turn my back and walk away.

But I cling to You for survival,
and I know that You are my Bible.

Get out. I'm scared
for the moment,
but I know, You'll be there.
Well I'm scared
for the moment,
but I know, You'll be there.

- Gob, For The Moment

...is what you're telling me but God forbid i get the least bit frustrated.

as if our lives weren't short enough...

...i go nuts over the chocolate goodness (not really) of PopTarts + chocolate milk. actually, there wasn't anything else that i could eat when i got home a couple minutes ago, so gluttony it was (click here or the title). silly cat. don't get any ideas...
the first day of school was nothing special. i got to know my new sets of classmates for my insane first semester line-up, mostly people i don't really know. then again, i am on pretty good terms with them all. there were some new faces, however, that had just entered into the school as of summer, but they didn't exactly warm up to the idea of being "friendly". not at all.
try as i hadn't, i think i made good impressions on everyone, 'cept that one kid that kept glaring at me. naturally, i winked back and licked my lips. go manic-homophobia. anyway, it turns out i get to spend another lovely semester (back to back with last year's mind you) with a... strict if nothing else, teacher. great. then again, she's not as bad as she's made out to be. i was a bit worried about this semester, but in the end (of today... =__=) i think i should be okay, so long as i don't get lazy, as i most likely will. we'll see what happens.

info @ the P.Pole 08.05.05

let's see.

5 things i need right now:

• someone/something to take my mind off of... shifty me
• better yet, someone/something to fix shifty me
  
• someone/something to beat some sense into my head
• someone/something - God, i'm looking at You - to completely wipe me off the face of existence
  
• better yet, someone/something to be willing to pick up a corpse and walk with it

yeah, those are effing "f"s so get off my back about language.

Just like that!

Goodness, tomorrow is school. A part of me, deep down inside, wants to curse. Just a little bit, please? I still haven't quite realized that this is indeed the last day of summer vacation. Tomorrow, I'll be having school. Fortunately, tomorrow's school only lasts until... 2 pm. While everyone else is having... half days. Bloody... At least I'll get to hang out with my friends from last year (if the summer hasn't made us completely forget about one another) and I'll be having to make amends with some of them. "GL, HF, don't suck."
For now, some Hawk Nelson will be good.

I saw her yesterday
and I never felt the feeling
like the one I felt today.
And now,
it's taking over me.
I've never met anyone like you
'cause I never could find the words to write you.

She's been on my mind.
She's working overtime.
She's got perfect reason;
says she loves to talk to Jesus.
I think I believe her when she says,
"Life can be so simple if we all just learned to pray."

She's got every little thing I wanted
and it still feels just like the day it started.
I'll say good bye to the broken hearted,
and I could never express the way
I felt before tonight.

She sits there all alone.
She's reading from the chapter
that she sometimes calls her own.
And now,
she's taking over me.
This girl I once rejected
has now become the girl of my dreams.

She's got every little thing I wanted
and it still feels just like the day it started.
I'll say good bye to the broken hearted,
and I could never express the way
I felt before tonight.

She's not an ordinary girl,
I can see it in her eyes.
Just an ordinary boy,
God must have heard my prayers last night.

She's been on my mind.
She's working overtime.
She's got perfect reason;
says she loves to talk to Jesus.
I think I believe her when she says,
"Life can be so simple if we all just learned to pray."

She's got every little thing I wanted
and it still feels just like the day it started.
I'll say good bye to the broken hearted,
and I could never express the way
I felt before tonight.

She's not an ordinary girl,
I can see it in her eyes.
Just an ordinary boy,
God must have heard my prayers last night.

- Hawk Nelson, Every Little Thing

mmmm....

Substance

We the people hear the words that You are saying.
The darkness in our hearts remains.
We can only live so long without the Truth,
and the message You portray leaves me empty.
We have the will to fight.
We just don't know what's right.
Our hearts are crying out
for substance to hold to.
Can't You see that we are crying?
While You're screaming, our hearts are dying.
Shut Your eyes. Shut Your eyes.
Bliss from the unknown hurt we bear.

I want You to know what I'm going through.
We have the will to fight.
We just don't know what's right.

- Haste the Day, Substance

EDIT:
"Do you ever play the "What if..." game in your head?"
"No."
"What if you did? I play it. Sometimes I think 'What if God bailed out on us?'. It really makes you wonder..."
"What's there to wonder about? We'd be fluxed so bad, it wouldn't even be funny."
"What a kill-joy..."
"What a retard."

Taking out the trash.

Well, last night marked the start of a brand new year (at Hosanna anyway) and it was a "Welcome Night" - a medley of sorts, showing off the various/many things that Hosanna is and does. At the end, Arthur sat us all down - "us" as in the "core" group of people for the coming year. That group includes the PC, Cell Group Leaders, Bible Study Leaders, and some others (i think, but I forgot). We serve as the ones who'll be caring for the "weaker ones" though I must admit I am just as "weak" as them at times, so I don't know how this is going to work. Like I've said before, "work in progress, life under construction". This is going to be interesting.
On another note, after I finish this post (and I'm actually capitalizing things for some reason), I'll proceed with eating some cantaloupe and having a large dose of Tropicana while reading THR3E, given to me from Her. So sweet. And I'm not talking about the cantaloupe (even though it is), or about the orange juice (which isn't really). (>_O)

Sarcasm: Gift From God

while reading Jeremiah when i was at the hospital, i discovered that, once and for all, God has a funny side. of course, in the context, it wasn't quite funny for the people He was be-wrathing but quite humorous for the onlookers.

overview of the context of this passage:
basically, God was speaking through/to Jeremiah about how the richer Israelites with Israli slaves were breaking a covenant/rules set by God with their forefathers concerning releasing Jewish slaves of theirs ever seven years. and so God is now talking to the unruly slave masters (bold added by me).

16 But now you have turned around and profaned my name; each of you has taken back the male and female slaves you had set free to go where they wished. You have forced them to become your slaves again.
17 "Therefore, this is what the LORD says: You have not obeyed me; you have not proclaimed freedom for your fellow countrymen. So I now proclaim 'freedom' for you, declares the LORD -'freedom' to fall by the sword, plague and famine. I will make you abhorrent to all the kingdoms of the earth.

- Jer 34:16-17

see? it seems man does reflect the image of God; it turns out more so than thought at first.

on another note, i hear rustling of a plastic bag. now, you might say, "why, that's hardly noteworthy information." but i say to thee, i am the only one at home. i look over to find my cat with a plastic bag strapped around her neck and under one of her front legs. funny. i hope she wasn't running around all day trying to get it off... i think i shall relieve her of her baggy now.

it's been awhile...

and i miss her. i really do. it's like time slogs by when she's not here. and it'll still be another little while before i'm remedied. i wish for the Great Comforter to comfort this. *points to heart*

EDIT: God continues to shock and awe me. not in the same way that capoeira does, but --! you get what i mean. beating the odds is satisfying, don't you think?