Map of the Problematique

Fear and panic in the air.
I want to be free
From desolation and despair.
And I feel like everything I saw
Is being swept away
When I refuse to let You go.

I can't get it right.
[I'll] Get it right, since I met You.

Loneliness be over.
When will this loneliness be over?

Life will flash before my eyes.
So scattered and lost,
I want to touch the other side.
And no one thinks they are to blame.
Why can't we see
That when we bleed, we bleed the same?

I can't get it right.
Get it right, since I met You.

Loneliness be over.
When will this loneliness be over?
Loneliness be over.
When will this loneliness be over?
- Muse, Map of the Problematique

Okay, so we all know Muse rocked with "Absolution". And indeed they continued to rock on with "Blackholes and Revelations," their latest conception to date. I've been bo-ing it (chinese term for "boiling [extensively]" which essentially means that I've been listening to it quite a bit lately) and really, it's a quality album. Quite worth money. I'd buy more music if I wasn't so poor.
Speaking of poor, I went downtown today (for the university fair) with some buddies and after lunch, I remember quite clearly saying "...I can't because I'm poor." and spotting a homeless person not 2 meters from me the second after. What a total assbrain I am. I felt terrible for the following moments as I was caught so unnawares and couldn't even gather myself to go back, apologize, and give him a small token of my sincerity. Instead, we walked on and I acted like nothing happened. Now there's a problem.
amely, there are totally spoiled US, yes, all of us in the Global Freakin' North who are totally well off for the most part, and we whine about not having enough, about needing things we obviously don't, and basically taking a lot of things we have for granted. I'm by no means excluded from this group, though I wish I was. There must be something that can and should and damn well better be done for this world.

info @ the P.Pole 09.28.06

5 things i've come to loathe about school:

• graphing those damn polymonial functions, stating real and imaginary roots, domain and range, y intercepts, coordinates of locals maximums or minimums, symmetry, and end behaviour -- that all adds up to really long, annoying, repetitive questions that don't take long, per se, and aren't difficult, but are just a searing pain in the anal region, not unlike symptoms of some STDs or sexual indecencies.
• taking notes on readings only to find my notes to be the answers to the comprehension questions assigned.
• being first labelled as a socially-dysfunctional teenage delinquent and later relabelled simply as bored
  
• carrying texts to and from classes, up and down stairs, when i only actually need them once in maybe a week's worth of classes.
• walking blindly into quizzes and tests, where my academic fate hangs at the mercy of arbitrary evaluations that i never seem to know about in advance, meaning that every mark i get is quite honestly exactly what i know and don't know, which either works for or against me, depending on the class -- case in point, i got owned by a surprise (to me) biology quiz today, but owned a math quiz (equally surprising to me) two periods later.

and that is quite as best a summary of what i am finding quite dislikable about schooling so far. notice that i didn't directly mention homework as one of the five. saying that one hates homework in general is as cliché as saying "The sky's the limit," or "Your mother's hot." both of course, are quite fictitious and should not be taken seriously. in my opinion, clichés are quite a good indicator of one's imaginative power -- or lack thereof. they are, in essence, prefabricated phrases and sentences that of what may or may not be. as such, resorting to their use denotes quite a lack of creative intellect, of willingness to exercise one's own right to free speech. of course, it's nothing serious to me, i just happen to have been reading Northrop Frye's "The Educated Imagination". though many of my friends at school may find this a tad nerdy/geeky of me, i actually appreciate this critic's work and ideas for what they are, the musings of a well-read intellectual about the phenomenon of human literature. i won't go any further into the subject -- as i'm sure most people browsing blogs are not looking for lectures and lessons about english or literature. most people are looking for random entries about the day to day conventions of human life, and so:

i don't like the rainy weather.
i like playing frisbee at lunch.
i don't like rude people.
i like talking to whom i like.
i don't like sweaty jeans.
i like writing about what interests me.

Void of Heart

Have any of you ever taken the time to sit down and think about all the things you take for granted? I did. It's hard at first, to try and purposely think of what I take for granted, since, afterall, I do take them for granted. I don't tend to pay them much attention, unconsciously accepting that they are constants that will never change. Now look around you, what do you see? Do you see a world that is eternal or temporal? Are your possessions going to last you a year? A decade? A lifetime? Are you even going to own what you own now indefinitely? Do you really even own anything? Is anything really yours to hold on to, forever and ever?
I do take things for granted. I'm human, I make mistakes. I'm proud and I tend to assume that I am in control, that I dictate and decide my destiny, that I am in possession of things both physical and metaphysical that I don't really have any stake in. I fool myself into thinking that this is mine, and so is this, and that, and all these, I own this, this belongs to me, I deserve this and that, I will hold onto this, this is mine alone, I don't need to share, I've this all to myself. But really, what do I own? Myself? Nope, I was supposedly made by God, my physical construct given to me from my parents. My toys? All bought with good money earned by parents (and gifts from others). My experiences? Apparently, all planned by God. My sinful nature? God didn't give that to me, but Adam sure did. My salvation? I'm supposed to be chosen and provided for by God's will alone. My knowledge? All human wisdom/knowledge is given to us from on high. My friends? True friendship isn't by merit, but by design, and since I did not design myself or others, I cannot take credit for any of this.
When it comes down to it, we own nothing. I don't own the clothes on my back, and you don't own your good looks. If we don't own anything, and cannot own anything, we cannot earn anything. We cannot deserve anything or claim any rights. We've no rights to claim! We'ce nothing! Nothing! Where, then, do we look to for purpose, identity, fulfillment, satisfaction, goodness, and life? Go find out.

Hail Silverstein

Tie me up with sheets, and hang me from your tree.
I'll stay out here all night. It doesn't even matter,
As long as I can see into your room and feel
Like I'm inside your life. I'll follow you forever.

Don't cut me down just yet;
I'll make things right again.
Don't close your blinds on me...

I will never recover from this.
I will never believe in this again.
And I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started.

The snow won't go away, my nose runs down my face.
No one sees me here. It doesn't even matter.
And every step I take, I stay in the same place.
I can't begin to start again, why can't I just be perfect?!

You see my ghost and you'll never forget it.
My face is as white as the snow that haunts me...
Your windows, my door, and nothing can stop me.
Sometimes betrayal can make you happy...

Don't cut me down just yet...
I'll make things right again.
Don't close your blinds on me.
- Silverstein, The Ides Of March

Here's a little history lesson for everyone. As far as the story goes, Julius Caesar, at one time Dictator over the Roman Empire, was assassinated on the Ides of March (15th of March) in 44 BC. It was supposedly plotted and carried out by his friend/colleague, Brutus, who recruited others to aid him in his cause. The assassination had occured in a public setting, with hundreds of senators as witnesses, the perpetrators in clear view for all to see as they repeatedly stabbed the brilliant military leader and politician to a mangled mess.
There has always been great speculation as to who exactly was behind the vile deed. Some suspect Caesar's hand in his own death, claiming that such a death would encase his dignity and magnificence, which he would otherwise have been stripped of as his mental and physical health were beginning to fail him -- he had been suffering from a worsening case of epilepsy at the time. This might explain why, even though he was warned that his demise was to come on the Ides of March, he had refused protection from his guards on the very day of his death. Peculiar. Others believe it was an act done out of indignation, as Caesar had reportedly refused to stand to honour several senatorial representatives sent to speak with him. Such an injurious act to their egos could hardly go unpunished.
Is it just me or is this history actually fascinating?! Perhaps it is only Canadian history that is dry, senseless propagandar aimed at creating a false sense of patriotism and national-worth.
Click title for tune. I really dig this one, out of the entire album. This song is quite emo. It plays will into my ears.

It Might Be You

Click title for the tune.
I had bought an entire volume of "Hollywood Piano Tunes" CDs years back. They feature pure piano renditions of many famous songs from classic movies. I personally love them, because they have a certain calming effect on me.
Here's a pretty one.
It sounds somewhat sad to me, but pretty nevertheless. Then again, a lot of things tend to [unintentionally] sound sad to me lately.

EDIT: On a less calming note (pun intended), Silverstein is sounding very good and very sad right now. Perhaps I will showcase some of their stuff in a later post.

Haruhi Suzumiya-itis

I've got it. It causes anyone who has it to fall head over heels for Haruhi. Seriously, this anime series (spanning just fourteen episodes) is the best I've ever seen. Next to no fillers. Beautiful artwork. Solid soundtrack. Completely original concept. Lovable characters. Perfect pacing and character development. All round astounding. And the finale! Simply perfect. Wonderful conclusion to a wonderful series. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is a must see for anyone. Highly recommended. Just look at me! I can't even for complex sentences. I'm still stunned from finishing the last episode ten minutes ago. Five astronomical stars out of five for Haruhi!

What are you still reading this for?! Go out and watch it! Do anything you need to to get your hands on a copy! Do it! Quick! Before it's liscensed! Hell, I'd pay to own a hard copy of the series -- preferably with english subtitles. Seriously, go check it out.

info @ the P.Pole 09.18.06

5 things i'm planning on doing this year:

• scoring at LEAST a 6 out of a maximum of 7 in each of my IB exams (French and Economics)
• successfully completing SPH 3U (grade 11 Physics) in virtual school before the summer
• cranking a totally kick ass/ half-decent/ mediocre yearbook with the rest of our merry little company
• clearing up some ideas for my future a little bit more
• coming to terms with some serious insecurity and trust issues
  

yes, i realize this has mostly (but not completely) to do with schooling, which is something that's been on my mind. the only exception to that theme would be the last item, which could quite possibly be up for discussion at a later time. i guess we'll just wait and see, won't we? here's the not-so-random song of the post (click title as usual):

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
But she still sleeps with the light on,
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again.
And her mother lies there sick with cancer,
And her friends don't understand her.
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.

She knows, she's so much more than worthless;
She needs to find a purpose.
She wonders what she did to deserve this.

She's calling out to you.
This is a call, this is a call out,
'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you.
And I'm losing all control now,
And my hazard signs are all out.
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about.

And he tells everyone a story,
'Cause he thinks his life is boring.
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
'Cause that's his biggest fear.
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it,
And he loves but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
'Cause he likes it that way.

And he knows, he's so much more than worthless;
He needs to find the surface.
'Cause he's starting to get nervous...

Have you ever felt this way before?
'Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong,
And thanks for coming. Shut the door.
And they say Someone out there sees us:
Well if You're real, then save me Jesus.
'Cause I've been this way for far too long,
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

Show me what this life is all about...
- Thousand Foor Krutch, This is a Call

i consciously left ces paroles un-emphasized. think about it.

EDITED

The One In My Dreams

Simply put, she's the most beautiful girl in all of the land. Seek as you may through this charming country's side, pp and over the hills of yellow (sometimes striped with black), down and around the winding rivers of stone -- the trees of the banks of which, with their arms outstretched towards one another's eerie glows of yellow, green, and red, form a canopy above. Their spindly, cold fingers, as much as they may stretch, will never make contact. What indestructible hope. As such, I have digressed. My focus is not on the unmoving trees, neither the frozen rivers, nor the golden charcoal hills of this foreign land. These all pale -- infinitely more so -- to the beauty and splendor of my Urban Princess. All others pale before her modest glow. Paint and easel in the most skilled of hands would do her no justice and the language of the wildest imagination could never even approach such eloquence or grace. She's the One in my dreams, the Temptress in my nightmares, the Wick in my candle, the Lightning in my storm, the Stitches in my wounds. She's my beautiful Eve. Will I confess upon her what she must surely know? No! I must guard my words. She mustn't know yet. Hold my tongue. Rest silent. If she's the blood in my veins, then she will have this sacred chamber all to herself. Here she will be safe from all harm and trouble, push and pull. Here she will stay and rest, refresh and cure. When she is ready, she will move forth, flowing into every part of me. Oh how I long for the day when my blood can course as freely as it had in times long past, in the Garden of Bliss.
Until that day, here I will lie in wait.

Note: I'm feeling all weird and fluffy inside right now and I hope that explains all this seemingly random bursting of words and thoughts. Enjoy, as you see fit.

Ms. Stress

Spoiler Alert: This post is quite random/ranty/stupid. Allons-y!

Who's to say how to spend
This young day to its end?
How it stings when you say
These same things in your way.
When you're right, stop and think in
Black and white, it must sink in:
How will things stay the same?
This he sings to your name.
What [the heck] am I writing about?
It's a lie! Sauerkraut!

I'm really sorry to anyone who read that half-assed attempt at coherent poetry. Yes, I was bored, so I wrote something a little bit random, a little bit pseudo-wannabe poseur poetic. It was a good way to blow... 5 minutes. I'm sick and quite drained so give me a break.
So yes, as you know, I went to "Yearbook Camp" (later named "Yearboot Camp") for the night of Friday and almost all of Saturday. It was fun to get to know a couple of previously-strangers (namely, Lily and Amreet) better, along with getting to chill and whatnot with Borianna a lot. Looking back, it was a love-hate thing. On one hand, it was great to work on developing ideas and concepts for the upcoming year, laughing at Imran, and cracking jokes pretty much non-stop. At the same time, certain people just piss me off. It's not like they're totally jerks/jackasses/whatever kind of mean word you'd attach to generally unpleasant people. It's just that I find interrupting anyone -- not just me in particular, mind you -- is really disrespectful. Sure, I guess it happens time to time when people are a little too overexcited, but seriously, interrupting everyone (peers AND superiors), and then announcing, "I'm about to say something! Everybody listen to me and pay attention to me!" (seriously, that's what she -- the annoying person who'll remain unnamed for now -- said, at least three to four times in one meeting), that's just asking for some angry vibes. Of course, me being the diplomatic type -- am I? Shivon said so, so it must be true! -- I didn't make a big deal about it... at first. I find that when I'm sick with a sore throat, stuffed head, and lacking sleep, I tend to get quite terse. Not with everyone, just with specific people who ask for it. I don't really see how I can last the rest of this year with someone who will literally fuss and disagree with everyone else's idea (which usually gets cut off half-developed anyway), and then state the exact same thing (only with approximately 200 extra words) five minutes later, and claim that her idea is much better. What does that count as? Concept-theft? Loose-lips? Blither-face? I can't even begin to pin point exactly what I dislike the most, disrespect for others, or self-glorification. Oh well, live and let live. I just hope she doesn't cross me anymore than she needs to. As Amreet would say, "Sigh" (literally, he says the word!).
Wow, I went on a lot longer about the stuff I didn't like versus the stuff I did like. It seems I am a pessimist... Yeah, I guess I am sometimes -- many times actually -- but hey, Allen admitted that he didn't think of me as one. He thought of me more of someone who's realistic and honest, and honestly right now, the thing I remember the most about camp was the annoyingness. And now that I know how annoying it is to be interrupted, I will try and make note of that so I myself don't do it -- because I realize that I do that too sometimes.
And that lends itself to the next part of this entry. Sometimes I find I say too much. Of course, when I'm saying it, I obviously haven't thought of the implications that may/may not come with certain utterances, however arbitrary or insignificant I may think them. For example, I personally think it's one thing to appreciate someone's good traits -- such as beauty, or smarts, or creativity, or whatever the trait may be -- but it is an infinitely far cry from feeling anything even remotely like a specific, intentional affection for that person. This is obviously applying to when I comment on someone's anything and everyone gets on my case, ridiculing me for feelings I don't have for the person (who's more or less always a girl when this happens). An example of this can be readily found in my experience during Yearbook Camp, where word got out that I had said, "_________ (Gr. 12 girl with dimples) has dimples." Obviously, this implies that I am severely in love with the unnamed mistress of my wildest, most vivid, and according to the plethora of Gr. 12 girls present, wettest dreams. I guess it's my fault for admitting to a fact in plain, public sight. Stupid girls. The other case of when I say too much is not so much the "random statement of approval" and more like the "statement with reciprocity expected", and this is when I happen to share something that I consider of great importance and expect some sort of "reimbursement for my troubles", if you will. Of course, these types of scenarios never play out exactly as I intend, and so I usually end up with unexpected and disappointing acknowledgements of [pseudo-]understanding, or nothing back at all -- I'm not sure which is worse. Tis a sad fate to feed into what seems to be a one way avenue. Yes, this is getting into somewhat emo territory, but oh well, I've never been one to refuse a wandering.
Speaking of wandering, click the title for a Backstreet Boys song (The One). Yes, I realize that this might lose me a good many fans -- possibly even all 2 of them -- but heck, if they judge me then they aren't my fans! There's only room for hardcore groupies in my world! You know, the kind that have the "Have my babies!" signs. Of course, I'd courteously refuse, but really, I'd be flattered.
Getting away from ideas of fornication and boundless promiscuity, let's talk a little about the Amazing Race that I ran yesterday with Yasmin as my partner. The premise of the game is to complete all the Roadblocks (tasks mandatory for completing the race) while fulfilling as many of the Detour tasks (extra items to collected on the way that will otherwise count against your final time) as possible, and all within the shortest time frame. Long story short, Yasmin and I owned everyone by a good 30 minutes, even AFTER stopping to help a female biker who got clipped by, yes you guessed it, a female driver.** Don't worry, the lady who got hit was fine -- she suffered some scrapage on her left elbow and possibly some slight trauma from the impact, but nothing exceedingly gory or injurious -- but the woman who hit her began to cry. For nothing. Out of shock mostly. Typical. Being the only male around, I felt it was my duty to comfort and calm everyone of my female acquaintances down so I lightly patted her (the clumsy driver) on the shoulder -- awkwardly at best -- and reassured her that the cyclist was going to be fine. That was actually quite an interesting part of my day. Thank God for protecting that rugged biker. Had the taxi behind the biker been going any faster, I'm almost certain things would have turned out much differently. Phew. A tight scrape, if you ask me. No pun intended -- but enjoyed nonetheless. Anyway, after a good 2 hours of blitzing our way through downtown Toronto, Yasmin and I finished on time, 5:30 at Bloor and Yonge. Later that night, we were each presented with 20 dollar gift cards for Chapters & Co., which I find a pretty decent recompense for our efforts (though it wasn't all too hard anyway). It was fun indeed. Now I'm wondering why I've never done a Project TDot before. Oh that's right, I'm lazy.
So yes, without an actual ending to this post, I'll just recap everything I've already said.
I am sick and tired (no, seriously, I am sick and tired, not in the idiomatic/hyperbolic sense).
I had fun at camp, even though some people really buggered the crap out of me (I'm not being literal this time).
I am annoyed at people -- specifically girls -- who either extrapolate too much or too little from my words.
I thought the incident with the biker was quite an interesting happening, though scary.
I was part of the pair that owned everyone else in the Amazing Race held in a part of town I really don't know and I'm proud of it.
And now I'm about to work on some ToK (Theory of Knowledge/Philosophy) homework. Perhaps I'll write about my ponderings a little bit later on this week. Who knows.

** Okay, by now, I must confirm that I am indeed not sexist, just observant and none too forgetful.

info @ the P.Pole 09.14.06

Firstly, what happened in Montreal yesterday is totally messed up, a genuine product of the System. It's tragic really. But life goes on. Though I do not wish to disregard/ignore what has happened, I am forced to continue on with life, just like everyone else. Just like with the stabbing that happened. Just like with the girl who got herself smashed on the concrete sidewalk after falling off a balcony while in a state of drunken delirium. Life must go on, I suppose.
On a happier note, I'm going to be attending "Yearbook Camp" from Friday, 3:15 pm until Saturday, 10:00 pm. Lots of stuff to do and be done.

5 things that I'm hoping to get done in the next few days:

• finalizing a theme for this year's yearbook
• getting to know some people on the committee better
• tackling and hopefully seriously thinning out my huge pile of homework
• restoring my computer to its previous save-state/image file and reconfiguring all the tweaks (soon to be noted and posted about, after re-tweaking)
  
• resolving this smouldering... je ne sais quoi that I've found inside of me

Camp should be interesting, if not very much fun for someone like me, who doesn't share particularly strong bonds with people outside of my Christian circle -- then again, it's never too late to start working on it. Many times I find myself interacting with school friends not really out of volition, but more out of necessity. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy their company. I love how me and "the guys" can play frisbee one day and somehow end up discussing and debating the meaning of Truth the next. In fact, that's what happened yesterday. Many times I find myself with "views" or "beliefs" that are conflicting or "stumbling blocks" to my friends', and vice-versa. I think it's great and truly a blessing to have such intellectuals as companions and peers, that we can debate and argue and prove and disprove to one another, constantly learning and re-educating. To understand and to teach are two beautifully inspired needs of human beings. Woo, what a digression.

EDIT: Photos will come shortly thereafter, if there are indeed any notable ones.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

I just started watching this anime series. As Arnold had promised, it really is about nothing, but it's amazing. The kind of random-stupidness humour that Melancholy is full of is exactly the kind of stuff that I appreciate. Definitely worth checking out if you're an anime fan.

On another note, I am in need of a shave... but maybe I'll leave it for one more week. Won't be trying to look prim and proper for anyone until the 16th. Win! Of course, my mother might have a thing to say about it -- oh well! Maybe I'll see how long I can stand it before I have to shave.

A Bipolar God?

Well, recently God's really thrown bricks (of lovingkindness of course) at me and I've been craving and getting more and more of Him. I really don't want to come off as some high and holy, aloof and analytical person who is now attempting to give off the impression of being a certain way. That's one thing I know God -- dare I say -- hates. But anyway, I've taken a page out of Colossians -- not literally, even though it is a book of the Bible... I made a pun! -- and have been trying my best to spend my "free time" thinking and pondering about "things above" (Col. 3:2). What that means, as per what God has said to me with passages like Philippians 4:8, is to spend time -- and lots of it -- learning and listening, inviting our Father to sit us down and have a heart-to-heart perhaps.
I think -- no, I know -- it is God's will that His people should wrestle and struggle, not because He takes pleasure out of strife and suffering of His creation -- God forbid! -- but that He takes pleasure in the opportunity to instruct, admonish, encourage, reveal, inspire, discipline, humble, etc... us when we meet with Him. I think that in a relationship, one of the greatest signs of a lack of passion (i.e. spiritual death) is when one party loses interest in the other's affairs (i.e. apathy? disregard?). With God as our Savior, Comfortor, Creator, Lover, Friend, Father, we can't possibly neglect our relationship with Him, ever, if we are to claim Him as our Most Beloved. It is, thus, good to think of Him, His works, His traits, His goodness, and all things [of] Him. Amen?

Anyway, that was a somewhat long explanation for where this next part of the post came from.
Before we go farther, you must understand that I am someone who remembers things pretty well. Not all things, of course, but a good many things -- especially fine, mudane, useless details. I'm also someone who can draw what may seem to some extremely farfetched connections between these quotidian occurances. I'd like to think I've been blessed with the gift of communication and expression of thoughts, so I hope this stuff will help you to have a better picture of why and how I came to the conclusion I'm about to try and explain.
It's a simple question about a simple idea. Yet, as one character said in Stephen Chow's "God of Cookery":
"It's the simple things that are the hardest to make delicious."
What does this have to do with my post? With a title like that, it better be related to God! Well, it does. I always find that the simplest truths I've been taught about God are always the toughest to grasp and really believe. Such truths are always the ones that take the most time, the most energy, and the most conviction from God to wrap my head around. And even at that, God does all of the wrapping. But yes, what I'm trying to say, in a very round-about way, is that simple truths that we've all -- those who've grown up in the Church at least -- been taught we actually don't understand as much as we'd like to think. This is why I'm taking this time to try and put some of these thoughts and whatnot into words to try and capture what it is God is saying. Even if it may seem like an over-played, already-mastered concept, bear with me.
We Christians believe that God is ultimately good, yes? Do we believe that all of God is good? I'd like to think we have to. If God is infinite in might (omnipotence is the term) and can do whatever He wills, would it not follow that He is also infinitely good? If He even has a tiny hint of flaw in His character, that hint applied to the infinitude of God would infinitely corrupt God, turning Him into an Infinite Monster, no? Thus, the only logical -- and I would even argue, believable -- conclusion we must come to is that all of God is good. That is what it means to call Him the Holy of holies.
And now we must be sure to identify what is good. Some people may find it offensive of me to be as self-righteous as to define what is good and what is bad by my standards, so I won't. Then again, one cannot make such an assertion/be offended without first judging me according to their own standards, so really, that kind of thinking -- Post-Modernism, I'm looking at you -- is just as circular and pointless as the idea of Macro-Evolution. Still, I won't be defining what is good by my standards. Let's define it by what God has shown, through His word and His creation, to be good according to Him.
I do believe that each person, though born in depravity since the Fall of Man, is still given the Spirit and Image of God, since that is what sets us apart from the grasses of the fields, beasts of the earth, the creatures of the sea, and the birds of the sky. This image, this breath of God will cause us to have a natural sense of what is right and wrong, even though to ability and even desire to do what is good to God will be given to some and withheld from others (all by God's choice and not by merit of the sinner, mind you). This is what human morality is. I think that a human raised in normality -- under as unbiased as possible conditions -- will naturally have a God-given sense of what is ultimately right and wrong. Of course, there's always room for the exception that proves the rule. Because of whatever reason -- perhaps trauma or heavy bias or whatever -- some people have quite damaged notions of what is acceptable or "good". The very fact that we know that people suffering trauma or being raised in dogma are not good things proves that in general, people do know what is fundamentally right and wrong.**
So what's the heart of the matter? What's the simple truth(s) that are to come under question and consideration? What is it that caused me to wonder as to whether God was a bipolar God? Getting back to God's goodness, both Scripture and even this "human morality" as described previously will tell us quite clearly that justice is good. Ask yourself honestly (best if without any bias but there's always bias to some degree), does it feel right when criminals go unpunished? When innocents get caught in the crossfire? When millions of harmless Jews are murdered and the culprit behind it all escapes scot-free in suicide? I didn't think so. You don't need to read it in a Bible to know that there is ultimately something very sick about the notion of evil going unpunished, yes? Let's not debate on how, let's agree that there ought to be punishment.
So justice is good. But so is mercy, is it not? I cannot imagine anyone ever convincing me that forgiveness, acceptance, and longsuffering are not very crucial prerequisites for a healthy marriage, or even for an intimate and true friendship (since I really know nothing in practical experience about marriage... yet!). If someone betrays your trust and comes to you for mercy, does it not please you more to administer forgiveness rather than condemnation? Sure, saying, "No, it's over. Go find someone else to hurt." might seem pretty attractive -- but only in a very sick and twisted way if you really look into it. Does the broken friendship, awkward distance, and general untrust that are sure to follow also seem attractive? You can tell a plant's worth by its fruit, the Bible says. What great words of wisdom! Forgiveness lends itself to grace given, humility demonstrated, pride humbled, repentance accepted, change motivated, love shown, love returned, shared joy, peace returned, and on and on... Whereas unforgiveness leads to isolation, guilt, sorrow, despair, hopelessness, hatred, unrest, bitterness, distrust, and on and on. In the end, mercy is shown to be good.
And here's where we find ourselves: we believe in a God who is just yet merciful at the same time, both being ultimately good traits. How can this be? Given man's condition as having fallen and continuing to fall quite short of God's expectations of perfection, we are all logically (and deservingly) condemned and doomed to life (and death) in eternal separation from the good and the love of God. That is the only just sentence for those who are impure, who are not holy like God. What an impossible standard! What a hopeless venture, this "life" which is lived and ended in death!
It is very important for us to never only take into consideration one of God's traits and forget that God is a complete person ("person" as in being and entity, intelligent and thinking, feeling and living, and not as in human or anything like that). Enter God's mercy. God is indeed merciful. We can see this in the history of the Israelites. If you ever take a short glance through the Old Testament, you'll see that above all else, the image of a spurned lover comes to mind when considering God in relation to His chosen people. Time and time again, God and Israel promise one another their faithfulness and single-heartedness, yet time and time again we see how Israel turns aside and seeks other lovers as her own. This is what it means to have an idol: to hold something, some created thing (other persons included) in higher regard than one's own Creator and First Love. Money, sex, power, you name it.
Given Israel's and our terrible track record, God still reminds us, time and time again, of His promise to forgive us our sins and unfaithfulness. So God is merciful. Yet this image of God is also flawed. This form of forgiveness seems like a slap-on-the-wrist kind of justice, where anyone can get away with anything and God will just turn a blind eye to it. No consequences. No responsibility. No justice. Would you respect a judge who pardons criminals because it's a nice sunny day and he feels particularly generous? Hell no.

It is important to make it understood at this point that God totally in the right to condemn, since His example is the perfection which has been missed. He is also the one who is to give and withhold mercy as He sees fit since He is ultimately the one we have wronged.

This is the point I'm trying to make: God's mercy and justice are quite at odds. God can't be just and merciful at the same time, can He? If He is merciful, then He is not just and not respectable. If He is just, He is also unappeasable and we are, well, we are screwed (yes, blunt but effective). If He is neither, He is a monster! As things stand, God cannot possibly be JUST, and MERCIFUL. It is not possible. Indeed, they are wholly contradictory in nature.
God cannot possibly be merciful to humans while demonstrating His just nature in all things as things stand. You see, this is why God "gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:16 KJV). All the punishment and condemnation that we deserved and rightfully belonged to us was poured out on Christ Jesus on the cross. That's why whoever dies with Christ lives with Christ. Our condemnation Christ suffered in our place, as our substitution. What Christ suffered has to be exactly what God had intended as our sentence, and nothing else. Christ didn't suffer a punishment. He suffered my punishment.
Before we go farther, we've got to get something very clear. If it wasn't my condemnation that Christ suffered, then the wrath God has for me because of my sins (and this is a just wrath, as He does in fact have every right to judge, being the Creator of all things and the image of Perfection) is still unsatisfied. Christ did not pay some lump sum price when He did what He did, He paid a very specific price: the price owed to God by each and every single one of His elected and adopted children, thereby completely satisfying God's wrath for us in Himself and making it possible for the "saints who sin" to become the righteousness of God like Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:21).
So now, what have we got? We've got God, who is always all of Himself and not just bits and parts, as if He puts on a different trait each day depending on His mood. He is always good. We know that two ultimately and universally good things are justice and mercy. We just know, don't we? But if that's not enough, the Bible (which is either the most reliable source of information and inspiration to you, or the last thing you'd ever trust with anything depending on where you happen to stand/be in life -- this explains why I haven't quoted Scripture as much as I could have so far) says clearly and repeatedly that God will indeed judge and not let evil go unpunished (Galatians 6:7) , yet His mercy is always there and He even delights "in them that fear Him, in those that hope in His mercy" (Psalms 147:11 KJV, emphasis mine).
We've also got the human race. The human, mortal, finite, human race. Humanity is God's creation that has turned from Him. What has happened, in essence, is that we have failed to value the most valuable Being in existance as the most valuable Being in existance. We have elevated other things (money, sex, power, food, people, ourselves, etc.) to the thrones of our lives, when the only One who belongs there, who has a right and just claim to the thrones of our lives, who ultimately deserves it all has been stripped of His honour and glory. Humans have turned from the One we ought to love above all other things and have all fallen short of God's standard, wholly and justly deserving of judgment and condemnation (Romans 3:23).
Finally we have the Christ whose name is Jesus. In short, He lived a perfect life of obedience to God the Father, died a criminal, endured in the place of God's elect all condemnation from God for their sins and transgressions, and rose again on the third day, thereby conquering the powers sin and death for all who will believe in His name and hope in His life.
Have you ever heard someone say that the perfect Sunday School answer to any question is "Jesus" or "God"? This is for those who have been more exposed to "Christian circles" I guess; it's somewhat like a quirky semi-joke that has its roots in truth, IMO. Well, in this case -- as is with many others -- Jesus is the answer! He is the only One who can possibly resolve the incongruity found between God's justice and His mercy. God's wrath for sins and sinners -- God's hate for sin comes only from His love of what is good and not because He's a dictator or because He enjoys imposing laws and burdens on people -- is completely satisfied in Christ's work on the cross (Isaiah 53:3-8), allowing Him to show mercy to those whose sins and condemnation have already been taken care of through Christ's work alone (i.e. those who are called to be "in Christ" by God and have been given Christ to have "in them"). That's what it means to say that one has died with Christ and will live with Him (i.e. "I am a child of God, chosen and called by God the Father, adopted through Jesus, and sustained by the Holy Spirit.").

I want to take a moment here to make it very clear that some people may read all this (if anyone reads this far at all) and think it's all foolishness, all ramblings, all confusing, all stupid, all incomprehensible. That's fine. Understanding, like mercy, is shown to some and not to others, and is shown/withheld by God. 1 Corinthians 2:14 says quite clearly that "a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised" (NASB). "Natural" in this context simply means without God's spirit within him, without God's speaking to him, without God's wanting to make it known to or understood by him [yet]. Perhaps it will take more consideration, rumination, and reasoning. The discussion of God's election will have to wait for another day. I can only encourage you, if you do not understand yet, to not be turned away or feel rejected by God. Continue to think and wonder and perhaps God will cause revelation in you someday because of your persistence. Vraiment, je vous dis, je ne sais pas.

Before I digress too much and go on and on (even more so, yes, I know), I'd just like to wrap up by saying that God indeed is always good. Always just. Always merciful. Always all of Himself. We can "believe" these "simple truths" so easily, but just look at how many words went into explaining and describing something as simple as "God is good". And this was all just looking at God's mercy and His justice. We haven't even touched on His other good qualities: His kindness, His faithfulness, His humility, His providence, His might, etc... It's important for people -- everyone, not just old people, or just old people, or just Christians, or just non-Christians (AKA: pre-Christians sometimes, IMO), or just scholars, or just "normal people, or just pastors, or just boys, or just girls, etc... (you get the point) -- to spend time thinking about stuff -- great, big, wonderful, heavenly stuff! Like J. Piper says in this sermon (I read it last night, so yeah, it's fresh in my mind), "God calls us to something great. He did not give you life to spend it on troughs [in relation to the Grand Canyon] and trifles." There's an infinite wealth of wisdom (i.e. practical information) and delightful revelation in the Words of God (both written and spoken) that God is just bursting to show us, if only we let Him. There's so much to learn, to ponder, to consider, to dissect, to be taught, to be shown that we'd be fools to waste our time distracted by the "trifles" in life.
We were designed to give glory to God, and to crave what only He can provide. That's perfect because -- more-John-Piper warning -- "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

** I am in no way saying that man is naturally good or attributing this discernment to man's glory. It is a gift of God, the very breath of God, and so is not from ourselves, meaning that we claim no glory for it. I am also not contradicting my belief in man's total depravity before God, since this understanding of right and wrong alone is wholly lacking in terms of a means of reaching God without His providence to do so. : P

Quick Questions

Can true love ever be over-professed?
Can someone ever tire of receiving affirmations of love?

info @ the P.Pole 05.09.06

5 new things about school:

• our old way of creating schedules has been totally nuked and now we have a four day schedule (unsemestered), with the same subjects on day 1 and 3, and 2 and 4 (but awkwardly flipped so that Periods 1 and 2 swap slots and same for Periods 3 and 4), instead of a two day schedule where only Periods 3 and 4 swapped. yeah, screwed up.
• there are two new people in the program i'm in, and both are girls. nothing special if you ask me. new people come and go. hope they fit in.
• Mr. Yoshi is back (that's his name, i kid you not) after a year of who-knows-what. he doesn't like me much, and i don't like him much -- i never actually ever had him as a teacher. he always tells me to take off my hat when everyone else practically runs around with theirs on, parading them even. oh well, i can either hold a hard grudge against him, bitterly loathing every part of his being, or i could take the high road and just say that the hat is religious apparel. of course, that would be dsigusting because using one's supposed belief in something as a tool for manipulating others/as a loop-hole
  
• Ms. Yeganegi is indeed teaching IB math again (as opposed to her personal vow to our class that she would teach applied children for a change of tone) and seemed pretty glad to stick to her proper guns. she's a good teacher who's clean and efficient, though i notice that she's sometimes impatient with the slower kids. then again, she had to cram a whole year and a half into a single semester last year so yeah, it's gonna move fast. anyway, i've had her for my grade 9 and 10 math courses, and i'm glad to get her again for grade 11. see, she's the kind of teacher's who's mostly stern and doesn't take a lot of crap but is tolerant of my crap because she gets that that's just my personality. and by crap i mean making random noises in class or being really laid back/lazy. also on the list of repeat teachers that i am glad about: Mr. Zupo (gr. 10 science, gr. 11 chemistry), Ms. Lombardo (gr. 9 french, gr. 12 french), and possibly Mr. Usprech (gr. 9 english, theory of knowledge).
  
• CAST hours officially start counting for what i do and volunteer and get involved with as of today, so i need to start finding jobs at different places and whatnot. i'm actually considering volunteering at the Scarborough Grace. i'm glad i took to tutoring people at TJCAC (even though i'm not sure what kind of teacher i will be). i will also try for the school volleyball team, as that also counts, along with badminton. maybe Kishon, Shivon and i will start our own club, where we don't do anything at meetings and con hours like that too... seriously though, i'd do that. <_< this year's going to be a load of work, but i'm kinda counting on it to pay off and make grade 12 a bit easier (either because i'll be done the extra stuff now or i'll be used to doing so much stuff by then).
  

That was fun.

Let's do it again some time. :)

"The War Within"

I stumbled upon John Piper's site yesternight as I was wandering the web aimlessly, looking for a good read. He's got all his sermons archived on his site for your reading or listening pleasure. It's a good resource for someone like me, who likes to read and learn on his own rather than in a classroom. Anyway, click the title for a link to read one of his sermons on Flesh vs Spirit.

Most of the time (though not always, see below) it does not simply refer to the physical part of you. (Paul does not regard the body as evil in itself.) The flesh is the ego which feels an emptiness and uses the resources in its own power to try to fill it. Flesh is the "I" who tries to satisfy me with anything but God's mercy.

I've always liked Piper's style. There's something about the way he words and phrases things that just make it easy for me to grasp. Anyway, go check out the sermon and the rest of the site. Definitely good spiritual food.

Come thou fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing thy grace.
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above!
I'll praise the mount -- I'm fixed upon it --
Mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer,
Hither by thy help I come.
And I hope, by thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God.
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to Grace, how great a debtor,
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to thee!
Prone to wander -- Lord I feel it --
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

O that day, when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face:
Clothed then in blood, washed linen,
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign Grace!
Come my Lord -- no longer tarry --
Take my ransomed soul away.
Send thine angels, now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.
- Come Thou Fount

This hymn has always been my favourite (though I don't exactly know a plethora of the). Read the words carefully and take some time to think and whatnot. I'd bold the good parts as I do normally, but I'd just end up bolding the whole thing. Enjoy (click here for track).

Note: The version I uploaded to Zshare is an adaptation by David Crowder Band; it does not have the fourth verse. Go figure.

Hey Girl

Carve your heart out yourself.
Hoplessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines.
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl
To lie about the dreams she has.
Lord it takes a lonely one
To wish that she had never dreamt at all.

Oh look now,
There you go with hope again.
Oh you're so sure
I'll be leaving in the end.

Dig your ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun.
You've been burned more than once;
You don't think much of trust.

Oh look now,
There you go with hope again.
But I'll be sure your secrect's safe with me.
Oh you're so sure
I'll be leaving in the end,
Treatin' me like I'm already gone.

But I'm not! I will stay --
Where you are -- always!

I will stay...
I will stay... (Oh look now, there you go)
- Dashboard Confessional, Carve Your Heart Out Yourself

Hello all. I don't know if you know this, but I've taken up listening to Dashboard Confessional (known as "DC" henceforth) lately. Yes, they're emo-esk (and their latest album, Dusk and Summer, is quite whiny even for emo-standards) but I find that the overall image of the band/artist doesn't really stand out in my mind if I find that the song is relevant/meaningful. More on this later, if I have time before school starts.
Speaking of school: No.