the closet.

here i am, once again, baffled by my own stupidity.
i am huddled in my lonely frigidity.
been here done that. what's more, i hate it.
i've caused You such pain, hit after hit.
and yet You stand, just beyond these walls,
in splendorous chambers and decked halls.
so why, oh why, do i hide away
in this closet, continuing to stray.
for all this, i am with myself annoyed.
and i say stray, for this is not a motionless void.
but You tap Your feet and wait,
for my eventual arrival at the gate.

i hate myself.

go go gadgets and gizmos.

hm, i know this makes me either a selfish kid or a geeky dink but i've been wanting some new accessories for my personal use... such as new headphones... i saw a nice model down at the Sony Store the other day while i was browsing. Sony's MDRNC6 Noise Cancelling Headphones, pretty decent, has insane world-blocking-out capabilities, after testing them out. only thing is, 80 bucks. and that's a little too much too be blowing on a whim. i mean, that money could go to much more worthwhile causes. and i certainly don't want to be a hypocrite, considering my previous rant about the government of USA's retardation. speaking of USA, the NASA launch that took place yesterday went by without much disturbances, which is good, even though NASA is a plague on that nation's budget. now i sounds really geeky. but it's true. the only reason NASA is there is because it's a national symbol, nothing more. i mean, if space wasn't privatized, NASA would crumble due to horrible wastes of funding (straight out of tax payers' pockets) and the swarm of private companies that plan on commercializing space travel sometime in the future, making NASA obsolete. but we can't have that, now can we? oh well.

anyway, back to the headphones... i've been wanting new ones, but the question is, do i need them? well i think no, i don't need them... i wouldn't have such a hesitant spirit towards making a purchase such as this if it didn't cost so much for something so seclusive and specialized as personal music experience. i mean, i think of the people who don't even have food and i just kinda die, a little. on the inside. but i dunno. i think i'll put it off for now. i think i'll get mine from Hong Kong, but supposely this kind of stuff is, nowadays, pretty standard everywhere when it comes to cost. i hope to defy that.

while i'm on the "techy" topics, i hope my dad gets that new camera he's been wanting, 7 or 8 mega-pixels i believe. very nice. i think he said it's only $400 too, which is cool. and once he gets that, i'll steal the older one for personal photo frenzies across my school and church settings and whatnot.

the Fire, the Sparks, and the Embers.

The Fire
A source of heat to all.
A light in the dark of night.
A means to avoid the trip, the fall.
A means to cleanse, to make right.

The Sparks
They take what they will from the Fire.
They pack up and break away, brightly glowing.
They drift higher and higher, skyward.
'Til against the black night, they're no longer showing.

The Embers
They take what they will from the Fire.
They remain, basking the Fire's heat.
They are prepared, their Heat raised higher.
'Til they imitate the Fire, beyond defeat.

eugh

so the past few weeks have taken their toll, regardless of how much i want to deny that fact. i guess there's nothing we can do about it. at first i thought it wouldn't be like this, but it turns out i'm more dependent than my personality tests say. how long has it been? a long time. but then again, it's not been that long. and keeping busy means keeping undemonstrative of these things. then again, what am i doing right now? ...speaking of demons.

"hey, wanna come along for the ride?"
"i really shouldn't." - first mistake
"c'mon, it'll be fun."
"i don't think so. what about after?"
"you and i both know you don't think that far ahead."
"..."

and the rest writes itself. again. i wonder when i'm going to snap out of this remedial loop. i'm hoping for now. hope is a powerful thing, it's wistful thinking not without expectations of fulfillment. that can serve as a pretty strong source of motivation. hm, i think i'm in need of some radical shock therapy. i sure as Hell am-n't getting out of this by digging harder. how does one dig up anyway? i don't know anymore. i thought i did. we all did and do. nega-w00t.

info @ the P.Pole 07.26.05

hm... apparently my mom and i don't discuss my personal life enough, even though we discuss issues dealing with faith...

5 opinions of my dear ol' mum about me:

• i'm lazy - true.
• i'm a P.I.M.P. - what the - insert noun - ?! where did that come from? go ask her. trust me, she's crazy, i swear. you have to believe me. T__T
• i dress like a "fay (as in fly, not fat) jai (as in boy/kid)" - not really...
• my personal mission is one that focuses on trying to woo every girl i know - WHAT THE BLOODY LARD-FACE?! when have i ever done anything remotely close to wooing?
• i exaggerate to the point of distorting facts into fanciful fibs - somewhat true.
  

let's get cracking then.

wow, talking about early deaths got me thinking... and today i heard this song by Leaan Rimes when watching ConAir. i found it quite fitting.

How Do I Live?
Leaan Rimes

How do I get through one night without you?
If I had to live without you,
what kind of life would that be?
Oh I, I need you in my arms,
need you to hold.
You're my world, my heart, my soul.
If you ever leave,
baby, you would take away everything good in my life.

Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky;
There would be no love in my life.
There'd be no world left for me.
And I, oh baby, I don't know what I would do.
I'd be lost if I lost you.
If you ever leave,
baby, you would take away everything real in my life.

And tell me now,
how do I live without you?
I want to know,
how do I breathe without you?
If you ever go
how do I ever, ever survive?
How do I?
Oh, how do I live?

If you ever leave,
baby, you would take away everything.
Need you with me.
Baby, don't you know that you're everything good in my life?

And tell me now,
how do I live without you?
I want to know,
how do I breathe without you?
If you ever go
how do I ever, ever survive?
How do I?
Oh, how do I live?

How do I live without you, baby?

i guess this song was intended for lovers but i'm thinking (minus the numerous "baby"s) it can very well apply to friends and close relations too. i think so anyway, not that i'm getting emotional or you know, whatever, -insert feminine cliche here- or anything. but yeah. i dunno what i'd do without you people.
btw, i'm sorry about the recent over-posting of lyrics but whatever, it gets the point across without me actually having to think.

True - Ryan Cabrera

I won't talk.
I won't breathe.
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me.

You might think I don't look,
But deep inside the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you.

I'm weak, it's true.
'Cause I'm afraid to know the answer.
Do you want me too?
'Cause my heart keeps falling faster.

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true.
So I will not hide,
It's time to try anything to be with you.
All my life I've waited,
This is true.

You don't know what you do.
Everytime you walk into the room,
I'm afraid to move.

I'm weak, it's true.
I'm just scared to know the ending.
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true.
So I will not hide.
It's time to try anything to be with you.
All my life I've waited,
This is true.

I know when I go,
I'll be on my way to you,
The way that's true.

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true.
So I will not hide.
It's time to try anything to be with you.
All my life I've waited,
This is true.

pretty song. quite nicely, his falsetto singing, the accoustic guitar and soft percussion blend together to create a wooing effect that's hard to resist.

guess who's back?

well, the STM people are back. it's funny how you might not realize how much you miss people until you see them again. it was so great and such a relief to see them all back, maybe a little battered and bruised, but still in one piece. well maybe one pieces, so not really one piece but... you get what i mean. anyway, very cool. they all looked exhausted, going out there to do God's work. i'm just glad they're back safe and sound and i can't wait to hear all about their trip into the wild. judging by the size of them, i'll bet the mosquitoes were freakin' huge. happy happy happy!

It's Not a Side-Effect of the Coccaine, I Am Thinking It Must Be Love
Fall Out Boy

Why can you read me like no one else?
I hide behind these words,
but I'm coming out.
I wish I kept them behind my tongue.
I hide behind these words,
but I'm coming out.

Put your hand between an aching head
and an aching wound.
We'll make them so jealous,
we'll make them hate us.
An aching head
and an aching wound.
We'll make them so jealous.
We'll make them so jealous.

Always you made my stomach turn,
and all the long drives
with my friends blur.
And I wish I kept them inside my mind.
I hide behind these words,
and think of all the places
where you've been lost,
and found out.
In between my sheets,
in between the rights and the wrongs.

a generation that seeks Your face...

Give Us Clean Hands
By: Charlie Hall

we bow our hearts, we bend our knees.
oh spirit come make us humble.
we turn our eyes from evil things.
oh Lord we cast down our idols.
give us clean hands. give us pure hearts.
let us not lift our souls to another.
oh God let us be a generation that seeks...
that seeks Your face, oh God of Jacob.

no pain, no gain. yes pain, maybe gain.

well, i've been practicing day and night (mostly day because that's when i'm home alone) on my bass. seeing as how i still suck but am doing less of such, i figure it's a good thing. then again, whoever said progress is a slow process, wasn't talking 'bout me, i'm a P. I. M. P. ...wait, no i'm not. what the boondoggle?!
okay, well it's kinda true, seeing as how i learned the bass part for My Glorious (thanks to Adwin's teaching) and i learned/figured out my rendition (because i don't know if it's 100% correct) of T.C .'s rendition of the bass' part in Indescribable by Chris Tomlin. then again, maybe those songs are just easy... very cool nonetheless, i must say. i still haven't perfected those tricky 32nd notes in History Maker, but i'm getting there. see, i listen to a song and say, "wow! i want to play that!" and so i search and search for bass tabs. when i get them, i realize that it's full of teeny tiny notes and wanky rests, not to mention the string and fret hopping that usually accompanies such music. i guess that's what makes life fun. you just never know until you try it.
next i think i'm going to learn a secular song, Deceptacon by Le Tigre, just for the title if nothing else.

once upon a hill...

God above all the world in motion.
God above all my hopes and fears.
and i don't care what the world throws at me now;
i'm gonna be alright.

hear the sounds of the generations
making loud our freedom song.
all in all that the world would know Your name.
it's gonna be alright.

because i know my God saved the day,
and i know His word never fails,
and i know my God made a way for me.
salvation is here.

salvation is here - and He lives in me.

the fruit of my boredom

check out the new get up of the P.Pole. like it? questions? comments? do i care? no. well, i was a bit bored and thought, "why not spice up my lame-o blog?" now it's still lame, but it's personalized lame, which is exactly 3.67 times better than generic lame. go me power.

jealous?

it's been awhile hasn't it? we've been through thick and thin, and we've helped each another regardless of situations. through rain, sleet, snow, and the sunniest of days, we've been through them all, our paths were one and the same. and now you're jealous. replaced by a prettier, softer face. i'm sorry and maybe you will remember me as a user but you need to understand, the new ones are much better, and also 'smaller'. yes, ones. there are two in my life now. maybe you think i'm shallow, that i'm just another guy, openly giving out my heart so quickly, and that i'm just an unfaithful jerk. that's the spite talking. so is this goodbye? i wouldn't be surprised if you left right now, but i hope not. i think that we've still got something left in us... don't worry, i'll always remember you, my sleek, black Airwalks, but you're no longer the main shoes in my life.

info @ the P-Pole 07.18.05

well hello everyone. i realize that most of the people who read this blog are away at STM so whatever. it's my first week back from camp and i'm still adjusting to the lack of lack of plumbing.

5 things i will have done by the end of summer:

• worked at my first job
• worked on Coffee House Drama Team
  
• acted out my own convoluted plot for Coffee House
• played on HSC worship team
  
• experienced some sort of romantic activity

it's funny how during the school year i ramble on about my workload but i willingly take on work during my "resting" time in the summer. work is fun.

halibut

he tries to be a better someone
that understands the difference
and that he can't show all the people all the things that really mean as much as he could feel
feels like i don't remember
ever being this tired before
before now my eyes were closed to all of the beauty in this world
---
Haliburton was awesome. very bad-booty'd. quite fun, lots to do, etc. i owned in archery and not so much in rifle-ry. rock climbing proved interesting as the rocks were sizzling hot, removing my pads in quite a painful way. rappelling was exhilarating, as usual, as was the ginormous bonfire that signalled the end of my 8 days, 7 nights in the woods.

so long guys!

i'm off to camp tomorrow morning, and won't be back until the following saturday. that means that i also won't be able to see any of you guys going on STM for quite awhile. bummer. well, at least i'll be remembering you guys in my heart... when i go to archery and rifle-ry! ah, i'm just kidding, but i will miss everyone, trust me, i've got a list in me 'ead. somewhere near the top of that list is my baby, my Big Blue Lady; my bass of course. and i'll miss the busy streets and pandemonium we call order and civilization. the disposable earth. what a concept. hardly. it's a crummy lifestyle that not only satisfies nothing but actually drains us, of wealth, of emotion, of time, of compassion, of love, etc. etc. luckily, some of us (if not all the people reading my blog) are only foreigners here. someday, and i have no idea when and neither do you, we'll get to finally go home. home sweet home. but for now, i guess we'll have to be good ambassadors. alright, now march.

EDIT:
PS: let's love each other and not beat them up. happy days! *smiles and backs away*

check it out.

yeah. i was bored and decided to "personalize" my baby with some handy glass decoration gel... and the great thing is i can rip it off if need be. it's like, "Decor for Dummies".

EDIT:
i've tried to learn and can somewhat play a couple of songs, like "You Are Holy (Prince of Peace)", "All Day" (w00tzorz), "Tell The World", and "History Maker". fun. now, see, if we played those songs for HSC Worship, then i'm set. pretty please? *bats non-existent lashes*

so far

i've worked two 3 hour days now. i've also spent a good amount of time with you; we discussed serious issues, such as theology, love, marriage, panties and panty accessories. i've also been learning more songs on the bass and practicing day and night (mostly afternoon actually, as i am working during the day and sleeping at night). fun fun. then we'll be heading our separate ways for several weeks. i must say, i find it quite disconcerting. off we go.

how long?

"hey, please let me ask you something."
"alright. you can ask me anything."
"how long?"
"what's long?"
"how long? c'mon, you are an intellectual."
"um, don't you think that's a bit personal?"
"no no, silly. how long will this last?"
"oh. i.. don't know. how long was the last?"
"but i don't understand, whatever do you mean?"
"oh i see. well all i know is that this is clean."
"is it clean enough for a sheen?"
"dear baby, it's too good to wean."

info @ the P-Pole 07.03.05

yes yes, i know. i'm one day early with this week's list but that's because, starting tomorrow, i'll be working... yes, you read right. working. me. Wong Kah Hoh, working. oh man. and the funny thing is, i didn't even apply for this job, my dad's boss just demanded that i show up for work with my dad for 5 days, and that i'd be paid 7 bucks an hour. i figure that that's pretty hot considering it's just a bit of secretary work for 3 or 4 hours a day... i'll be calling people on a list and reading a pre-prepared script to update the contact list. not quite exciting but good experience i guess. i hope i don't screw up a word and blurt something stupid; i'll probably end up swearing my ass off if i mess up like that. i'm gonna cross my fingers and hope for a lack of the use of colourful strings of words. anyway. enough about me. on to the list.

5 things that are important to me:

• solid (or otherwise) forms of sustenance
  
• personal standards
• relationships
  
• thinking
• diplomacy

Tearfully written.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.
Once bitten and twice shy; I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye. Tell me baby, do you recognize me? Well, it's been a year. It doesn't surprise me. "Happy Christmas," I wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying "I love you." I meant it. Now I know what a fool I've been but if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again.
A crowded room, friends with tired eyes... I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice. My god, I thought you were someone to rely on. Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on. A face on a lover with a fire in his heart, a man under cover but you tore me apart. Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.
So long.

- Last Christmas, Wham!