entranced...

"thank you God." was my first thought. from the very moment she walked in, i knew that i'd want to know her better. with a dancer's elegance and calculated movements she flounced by, her thigh just barely grazing my elbow, causing the hairs on the nape of my neck to stand on end. as i ventured a glimpse, i witnessed beauty and features rivaling those of a goddess, a face chiseled from the purest, most awe-inspiring of diamonds. her eyes were so deep and vast that i thought i had drifted off into the outermost limits of space, doomed to drift forever in the endless nebulas that are her eyes...

"oh wow, how big and pretty your eyes are!"

"the better to hypnotize you with."

"my, how graceful your movements are!"

"the better to charm you with."

"mm... how luscious the fragrance of your hair is!"

"the better to intoxicate you with."

"my God, how dazzling your smile is!"

"the better to blind you with..."

and so the conversation in my mind continued until my thoughts were wholly consumed by her image. being the partial introvert that i am, i decided to sit quietly as she worked her voodoo and enjoy the moment.

as time went by, i reluctantly fell into the "friend" category, a denomination i had vowed to outgrow. the more i learned about her, the more i wanted to learn. conversations with her became like a drug to me, always craving more. and soon i realized, i have fallen into this woman's enticing snare.

what is this feeling i hold in my chest?! could it be... yes, it is! but alas, i mustn't let the beast control its master. i must regain consciousness. i must hide this monster and shackle it to my heart to hang there as a burdening weight much like an anchor, lest he break free and cause havoc and destruction on such a fragile liaison...

the perfect mix of grace and beauty; of brains and brawn; of mind and body... when she skips my heart follows suit, when she laughs i hear angels' song. how can i endure not confessing my secret attachment to her?! must i always resort to indirect, double entendres to voice my thoughts to her? oh why have the heavens cursed me so? to be able to love in secret but not in the open... i must declare, this is punishment unfit for a condemned murderer yet i am the one who must carry out this life sentence. must i bring with me this affliction wherever my feet fall? where is the justice in this pale world of ours?

oh if only you knew.

january

attention: the following is not necessarily presented in chronological order.

this month i've managed to:
-feel like crap*
-continue to fall in love with a girl
-fall out of love with a girl
-get sabotage'd AGAIN
-return to school from Christmas holidays (yay...)
-eat several portions of coffee haägendazs*
-get sabotage'd
-check over my shoulder everytime i took a leak or walked down poorly lit hallways/corridors^
-watch "AVP" on DVD
-get horribly sick and miss school and church because of the aforementioned illness
-get sabotage'd A THIRD TIME
-fall in love with a different girl
-watch "AVP" on DVD AGAIN
-fall out of love with the other girl
-start the "p-pole"
-fall in love with the first girl AGAIN
-borrow american idiot from my cousin
-learn how to spell "onomatopoeia" among other vocabulary words "apprendre'd"
-bitch and whine about my crummy life*
-"write" an article through theft of others' material
-learn to play the intro to "i hear you calling" by GOB on my guitar
-sit through and pwn my science exam
-piss off a couple people *
-rectify a couple of conflicts/disagreements i've had with certain individuals

note: starred items (*) are unconfirmed facts (i.e. either frequency or actual occurrence cannot be confirmed); however, as an issue of sheer probability, starred items have most likely happened with the time frame of 30 days. thus, are listed among my list of things accomplished in January.

note: accentuated items (^) are the results of these simple mathematical equations:
let x = sabotage, let y = "alien versus predator", let a = accentuated items.

"3x + 2y = a"

oh my...

(paraphrased from bash.org)

A: I'm going to be the next Hitler.

B: Oh really? [insert "8-)"]

A: That's right.

B: What's so important that needs to be done that you'd need to become a reincarnation of the Second Anitchrist to do?!

A: Well, the first thing I'm going to do is kill all the Jews. Yep, and then, one clown.

B: ONE clown?! What the -?!

A: SEE? You hate them too! NO ONE cares about the Jews...

B: Oh shut up.

the girl i love got long black wavy hair.

(click to see a larger view)

i'm breaking my back just to know your name, but i know this feeling that i have inside of me: my belly's burning and it's turning, don't you see? you're an extraordinary girl but i lack the courage in my mind. you make me feel so alive that i think, "heads or tails?" fairy tales in my mind... when i sleep, i dream and it gets me by.

i thought i ran into you down on the street the other day but then it turned out to only be a dream. It’s like a bittersweet migrane in my head; take away this sensation inside. i can't take this feeling anymore: this sensation is overwhelming.

she's so confident that she's what everybody wants, but nobody wants her to know that. seventeen tries and i've had it with this game. just give me what i want and no one gets hurt. no more standing around, i've said it, "get off your ass and we'll go get it, you'll see. take a chance on me."

my hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption. my heart's yours to fill or burst, to break or bury...

hands down, this is the best day i can remember. i thought about you in my bed last night: might as well have jammed the forceps in my eyes and kept them open through the night. in my dreams i have cried at your feet. tell me, was it wasted? we’re too deep now to ever swim against the current, so let’s drift away...

look into my eyes, see my heart that’s raced from self control... i don’t know why it’s hard now... don't tell me that i won't feel a thing... i guess this is what it's like when worlds collide.

i see what you're doing to me. why did you have to look the other way? i walked with you, talked with you, i still can't help but thinking... all the things that i've regretted, all the places i was headed with you... i know that you don’t care but i want you to know: i’ll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair... it could've been you so easily...

i remember when it was breaking my heart, even though then i was falling apart. and your drugs are bleeding, so sweet yet fleeting but my memories are sinking...

i remember the face but i can’t recall the name, and now i wonder how whatsername has been... i’ll never turn back time if my memories serve me right. if i could find a souvenir, just to prove the world was here, here it is: a broken heart. i think of you and let it go...

credits: dashboard confessionals, gob, goldfinger, greenday, led zeppelin, pilate, powerman 5000, relient k, the killers, thousand foot krutch, u2, yellowcard, and any artist/band i might've missed.

the End of an Era.

i haven't been writing much lately because of "culminating activities" at school, which is college talk for "last ditch effort to make you work before the end of the semester", nevermind the exams coming up, although i'm not too worried. school is the suck. but half the quota of annual school suck is over. that's right, for us luckly school goers in semestered schools, we have our first four exams. unfortunately for OTHER students, you know who you are, there are 8 (or less i guess) "mid-terms", which is college talk for "what you get for going to non-semestered schools", waiting for you *giggles at you*.

but seriously, i've been keeping a little black book (just replace black with grey-ish and book with spring/coil notebook). i write my ideas and thoughts (which are the same things i guess) and lyrics that apply to me and just about anything i see/hear/smell/touch/taste/ imagine/dream up/hallucinate/etcetera... well, i was just reading over some of these notes and i noticed i was lacking filler for my posts. in the past three days i had only managed to scribble out a few interesting lines and a couple mushy lyrics down. since realizing that, i've decided to jot more of my ideas down, "lest we forget".

"Lately it just seems to me
Like we've got the letters A-D-D."
- maintain consciousness - relient k

this idea is useful for incredulously unfortunate, forgetful souls, like me.

a luscious mix of words and tricks

Caring Is Creepy
by The Shins

i think i'll go home and mull this over
before i cram it down my throat
at long last it's crashed, the colossal mass
has broken up into bits in my moat

lift the mattress off the floor
walk the cramps off
go meander in the cold
hail to your dark skin
hiding the fact you're dead again
underneath the power lines seeking shade
far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason

it's a luscious mix of words and tricks
that let us bet when you know we should fold
on rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
and the whole mess of roads we're now on

hold your glass up, hold it in
never betray the way you've always known it is
one day i'll be wondering how
i got so old just wondering how
i never got cold wearing nothing in the snow

this is way beyond my remote concern
of being condescending

all these squawking birds won't quit
building nothing, laying bricks

"spread your cheeks and lift your sack..."

"More Sex Than Me" music video by TISM)
*i, as you've probably guessed, find cuniculus sex jokes to be highly amusing*
EDIT: added "smash your face" for herman.

info @ the P.Pole 01.24.05

weekly info for my nosier fans.

5 of things i [like to] do frequently:

• eat
• digest
• have bowel movements (i know this is somewhat/sometimes involuntary but who cares)
• write
• watchmovieshomealonecurleduponmybedwhileeatingatubofcoffee- haägendazs

the placement of finger on the cause of this disheartening state of mind seems to be impossible

i don't know why but i feel like crap.

colorectal surgery

it's drawing closer to that time of year when thousands are told to endure the "harshest of probings" that are highly uncomfortable and were definitely not designed for pleasure. the purpose of these inspections is to discover just how much crap you have inside you, double entendre intended. as you could've guessed, the tested are generally unhappy with their "inspectors". have my innards ever been probed? but of course (in minor amounts by comparison, however). definitely not to this degree for sure, but i've heard that it can be quite a displeasing experience. in general, the majority of the public dread these analyses but i do not.

i seriously hope you've realised that i'm talking about exams (the ones you have in school, you sicko) and not another kind that also strikes fear into some people's hearts and colons... i've never had an exam before - so one can blame this post on my ignorance - but what's with everyone and studying? it's not like they're asking for information you haven't learned already, right? i, for one, am looking forward to these little packages of paper.

now, some of you may be thinking "oh that poor misinformed little boy..." but hey, i see neither the reason nor the benefit of furiously re-reading stale material the night before, just to be able to regurgitate it all the next day. what good is that to anyone anyways? i'm sure most of our results would be pretty much the same with or without any studying. i think that to achieve the most accurate results, DON'T study for your tests to see how much you've actually learned ☺. of course, don't blame me if, like an idiot, you actually listen to a jackass like me, but it's true.

post office

note: new additions will be posted at random intervals.

"she's an extraordinary girl
in an ordinary world,
and she cant seem to get away.

he lacks the courage in his mind.
like a child left behind.
like a pet left in the rain.

she's all alone again,
wiping the tears from her eyes.
some days he feels like dying.
she gets so sick of crying."
- extraordinary girl - greenday

"and all your friends, they think i'm sick.
they think that i'm insensitive.
they don't like the fun i'm poking;
don't they know i'm only joking?"
- superman can't walk - good charlotte

"this phenomenon, which happens naturally:
something you hear about, more than just companionship.
...
i remember when it was breaking my heart,
even though then i was falling apart.
...
that's the way, i was falling;
that's the way, it's supposed to be."
- that's the way - gob

""see what you're doing to me?
it could've been you so easily."
- new design - thousand foot krutch

"i offer me just for yourself.
wrapped up for you and no one else."
- 144 - gob

"the way that girl can break a heart,
it’s like a work of art.
and this is the worst part:
she knows it."
- the one i'm waiting for - relient k
*to joceline.

"how can we still succeed, taking what we don't need?
telling lies, alibis, selling all the hate that we breed."
- we're all to blame - sum 41

"[i'm] breaking my back just to know your name.
seventeen tracks and i've had it with this game."
- somebody told me - the killers

"my girl, you're so hot when you walk you melt snow.
and now that disco has finally grown old,
let's buy back our souls."
- cut the curtains - billy talent
*to girls with severe fevers, obviously.

"i walked with you, i talked with you, i still can't help thinking,
your drugs bleeding, so sweet yet fleeting, my memories are sinking."
- into your hideout - pilate

"so make the best of this test
and don't ask why."
- time of your life - green day
*to whiners.

"i thought about you in my bed last night.
you were a thousand years old, had a million boyfriends."
- the perfect remedy - gob

"and all the roads that lead you there were winding.
and all the lights that light the way are blinding.
there are many things that I would like to say to you,
but I don't know how."
- wonderwall - oasis

"If a man does not repent,
God will sharpen His sword."
- psalm 7 : 12 - david

"but the day men come when you've got something to lose,
and just when you think you're done paying dues.
you say to yourself 'dear God what have i done?'
and hope its not to late cause tomorrow may never come."
- reach for the sky - social distortion
*to procrastinators.

William Cosby would be proud.

we came home from church today, my sister and i. i was making lunch when...

karen says:
"hey goh goh, do you know who my best friend is?!"

carl says:
"uh, no... karen, i'm a little busy here..."

karen says:
"phillip! phillip is my best friend. and douglas too!"

carl says:
"um... karen, you can only have one best friend..."

karen says:
"you mean my best best bestest friend?! that's douglas!"

carl says:
"uh huh... wait, so why did you say phillip first?"

*shrugs*

carl says:
"right... i'm kinda busy karen. why don't you go -"

karen says:
"douglas makes funny faces!"

*sighs and pauses*

carl says:
"uh huh. and is he ugly?"

karen says:
"NO! he's a BOY!"

*thinks: "what does being a boy have to do with it?"*

carl says:
"do you want noodles or not?!"

superdad @ supermarket

so i was walking around in a chinese supermarket at the tender age of 7 with my parents who were busily searching for the ingredients of tonight's dinner. on the other hand, i, like any 7 year old boy, was busily searching for ways to cause havoc with the little time in which my parents were distracted with dead animals and fresh produce.

i quickly headed for the produce section, away from my parents' protective eyes. i took bundles of chinese vegetables of all shapes and sizes and hid them amongst the non perishable snacks sections, that was sure to cause SOME form of trouble for SOMEONE eventually... seeking more exciting forms of destruction, i headed to the fish sections. now, there's something you have to undestand about chinese supermarkets. if a health inspector were to walk in at any moment and check the fish section of a chinese supermarket, he would most likely die of shock and/or outrage. yes, it's that messy.

anyways, i headed to the fish section and found to my delight, a box full of live crabs which customers would remove from the box for purchase with the use of tongs. seeing the opportunity, i grabbed a crab and dropped it into a large tank of live fish. excellent... that's GOT to get SOMEONE riled up eventually. and then i spotted it... the ultimate chance to cause one worker of the supermarket severe amounts of pain, anger, and trouble. i'm obviously talking about the large vats/bins/barrels of beans. if it were only one TYPE of bean, then i'd be screwed, luckily for me there were MULTIPLE types of beans there for me to mess around with. i practically ran to the vats and began shovelling large quantities of red beans into the vat of green beans, of pistachios into the vat of red beans, and so forth until the vats were indistinguishable from one another.

just as i was celebrating my triumph and success of my mission, a nearby fish butcher yelled out in vulgar chinese:

"HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing kid?!"

if you didn't know, a grown up's yelling is equivalent to thunder when you're 3 feet tall. at that moment, i had decided to piss my pants and call it a day but before i could do that i hear an even louder voice, like God's except more indignant...

"WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD TALK TO MY SON LIKE THAT?!"

i wheeled around in time to see my dad close his mouth, offended and angry - and in all his glory. see, for me it was like, "What the hell?! Did that just happen?! Wow..." NORMALLY, my dad only yelled at me, so just hearing him yell without a Carl [or gah hoa] attached to it threw me off. and then i realised that he was yelling at the fish dude and i was screaming inside:

"YES! WOOHOO! GO DAD! YOU SHOW HIM WHO'S -!" my dad interrupted me and dragged me off and into the car. apparently he and mom had finished paying for their goods when they noticed that their one and only, precious jewel of a son had gone missing. my dad had gone crazy looking for me throughout the supermarket when he'd spotted a familiar figure messing around with the crabs. he had watched from a distance what i had done and didn't even say anything when i messed up the beans to kingdom-come. but he came in and saved the day when he saw that i was utterly screwed to save my bottom. and THEN, he punished me to teach me a lesson. although... i could've done without the "no tv for a week" but oh well...

subliminal messages

CAUTION: This story is more of a therapy for me to get over the remains of my fears of sabotage and death than for the reader, so read on ONLY IF YOU’RE INTERESTED. Otherwise, go do something else. There, I warned you.

A teenage boy sits at home, sick from school, browsing the web when he encounters some disturbing content. The blood drains from his face as he frantically scrambles for the tiny boxed X in the corner of his window. It’s over in a millisecond, but not in his mind. His screen goes blank but the sights and sounds are burned deep into the inner regions of his brain. He will never be the same again nor will his world around. Blaming his bad luck, he tries to rationalize his traumatic experience. Nevertheless he eyes his computer warily one last time before shutting down…

Two days later, he is once again situated in front of his computer, alone at home, sick from school, again. Determined to beat his newly acquired fear, he attempts another brave venture into the depths of cyberspace, hoping that ample exposure to safe, humorous content will be his cure. As luck would have it, his luck is bad once again. And as a result, he is once again hit with a more disturbing set of sights and sounds to add to his quickly growing fear. Events repeat themselves and bad luck strikes again, much like the behaviour of lightning, in the same place with the same conditions. Needless to say, his fear becomes a full blown phobia that soon consumes most, if not all of his waking thoughts.

At school, his friends immediately notice a radical change in the boy’s demeanour after his more than slightly disturbing experiences. Interestingly enough, it is the ignorant who strive to share these experiences of fear and utter horror, “just for the hell of it”. All the boy speaks of is the sheer terror of his experiences and all the others ask of him is the link?!

“Hm... They deserve it.” he thinks to himself.

The night is Saturday, 2 days/nights after his second attack and 4 after his first. “It’s 10 pm; do you know where your children are?” He is scared to even look at his tattered image in the mirror. Now, he is scarred beyond repair.

Earlier that day, he was trying his method of ridding himself of his fears once again when he finally admitted defeat after being bombarded with horrible screams and images of abominations too graphic to describe. On the edge of insanity and in the middle of paranoia, he tries in to clear his mind of these haunting thoughts. It is in the quiet yet frightening loneliness of silent meditation that he admits to his fears. It is also the very confines in which he has a revelation.

“I just want to get mugged at knifepoint, to get cut enough to wake me up.”
- This Week the Trend - Relient K

Frankly, I don’t know what compelled me to write this slightly over the top interpretation of what happened to me but I’d like to think of it as a chance for me to share my thoughts. If you don’t like this post, well… I guess you’re shafted because it’s a little too late to un-read my story. All I can say is sorry for eating so much of your time. This story is more of a therapy for me, like I stated at the top, so if you’re angry at me and want a refund on your last 10 – 100 minutes (depending on your reading speed), I’m not liable for your wasted time... pfft, sucker.

Johnny Sasaki. A man. A soldier. A hero.

many a soul has pondered the highly intellectual question "Who the hell are you talking about?!" when i mention Johnny Sasaki. frankly, he's a hero. being a side character in a little gaming franchise known to few as the Metal Gear [Solid] series, Johnny Sasaki reflects me and most likely a lot of you out there.

in a storyline reeking of 'epic' and overthetop politics [nuclear threats, terrorism, war], fantastic war engines [Shagohod, Metal Gears Rex and Ray, Arsenal Gear], dire threats [nuclear strike capabilities, hostage executions, terrorism on a grand scale], and larger-than-life characters/personalities (much resembling the world as we know it today), Johnny is Hideo Kojima's reflection of [most of] you and me. he symbolizes you and me, the everyday joe's of modern society, just trying to get by, day by day. subconsciously aspiring to become nothing more than zombies set to work by faceless corperations and "them". he's the complete and utter embodiment of the guy walking down the street with an unimportant job and no particular dreams of superstar status nor fame nor glory. he is us.

he's a virtual hero in my book for being just that. a clever visualization/analogy for the people who 'don't really matter in the grand scheme of things'. on a side note, he seems to be hit with SARS (severe anal-rectal secretions, i.e: diarrhea) in his every appearance, which J.S. Jr. rationalizes in MGS2 by blaming it on his threatening of beautiful women during missions.

johnny sasaki, a brave father, a brave son, both serving faithfully up until their untimely deaths as loyal, trustworthy soldiers. wherever there's an imprisoned 'elite-soldier-spy-assault-infiltration specialist' to guard, he will be there. wherever there are beautiful women to hold-up, he will be there. wherever there are yet-to-be-violated bathroom facilities, he will be there. and finally, wherever there are common folk (like you and me) to be represented in a great video game series, he will be there! Johnny Sasaki, i salute j00.

best.character.ever.
what a way to start a blog off huh? a rant about johnny sasaki > all topic starters!

just a little background info on Johnny Sasaki Junior and Senior:

junior:
Made his first appearance in: MGS : Solid Snake ( released in 1998, September 30th), which took place in pre-Y2K times; as prison guard of Solid Snake after being captured and imprisoned; soldier employed by Liquid Snake.
Made his second [audio] appearance in: MGS2 : Sons Of Liberty ( released in 2001, November 12th), which took place in post-Y2K times; in two Easter Egg conversations to be found with the D. Mic at set events in the game; soldier employed by Dead-Cell/Solidus Snake. Nationality: American Born Russian [?].

senior:
Made his first appearance in: MGS3 : Snake Eater (released in 2004, November 17th), which took place during the Cold War [1960's]; as prison guard of Naked Snake [AKA Big Boss] after being captured, tortured, "frisked" [just for you fans of the series out there ; )], and imprisoned; father of Johnny Sasaki Junior; soldier employed by Volgin's Extremist Faction. Nationality: Russian.