info @ the P.Pole 10.31.05

5 things that i did today:

• spiked my short hair
• spiked a volleyball at a teammate's crotch
  
• broke (rather, crushed) some punk's arm with my hand
  
• made a hail-Mary touchdown in professional, lunchtime football
• had pizza as my dinner with cantalope pieces as my beverage

Barney Remixed

I heart you,
and you heart me,
So we shan't act so melancholy.
With a warming hug and a smile from me to you,
Won't you say, "Let's cheer up" too?

Haha, something's up. Winter's coming and I fear pathetic fallacy might not be found just in books. I hope my fears are unfounded. *thumbs up*

Waiting to See

Hoping to scratch him as we bleed to death, as we have a shepherd we do not want. I run on a treadmill that never stops. My reflection in the wading pool is dirty, and I'm sickened. It hurts. I'm sick of repetition. An illness spreading, blinding my eyes. Erase my thoughts. Cancel my subscription to the things of this world. In the open eyes of deliverance, I'm colorblind; waiting to see. Wanting to finally say, "No." and walk away with a smile. Time after time my call is "Game Over", but again and again this cancer spreads, bleeding and spitting guilt and convictions. As I lay in this pit of defeat... (I once again to strive) to beat it out over and over. So worn. I will defeat this. Worked over with intention to kill, to watch Him die and smile at His dismay, His pain. My deliverance, my cleanliness a gift of freedom. My walk purified. My peace given by God.

- Zao, A Simple Reminder

call it emo, call it stupid. call it demanding, call it selfish. whatever it is, i'm feeling it.

info @ the P.Pole 10.24.05

5 things i find pitiful/disgusting:

• cowardice
• bitterness
• worrying
• lying
• striving to be something in men's eyes

we're all like that, so God help us all. amen.

EDIT: does anyone (other than me) ever get the almost-irresistable urge to curse and/or spit in contempt? just wondering.

Who says oldies aren't good?

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.
By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

Backbeat the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out.
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding.
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
But I don't know how.

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me.
And after all, you're my Wonderwall.

Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you.
By now you should've somehow realized what you're not to do.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

And all the roads that lead to you were winding.
And all the lights that light the way are blinding.
There are many things that I would like to say to you,
But I don't know how.

I said maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me.
And after all, you're my Wonderwall.

- Oasis, Wonderwall

"My arms are open wide."

Where do I begin? There's so much I want to say to make it easier.
Tomorrow's on its way. Do you beileve I want to take your painful memories?

I know you want to run away,
I know that you can't see tomorrow.

Caroline, let me wipe away your tears, and give you life;
Make you feel beautiful again.
Caroline, don't throw it all away;
I'm here tonight to take away your pain.

Yesterday is gone and everything that made you cry has fallen to the ground.
I'm here to bring you home. I will always take you back.
(You haven't let me down)

I know you want to run away,
I know that you can't see tomorrow.

Caroline, let me wipe away your tears, and give you life;
Make you feel beautiful again.
Caroline, don't throw it all away;
I'm here tonight to take away your pain.

And when you're feeling all alone and you can't go on, remember I am here.
And when you think you've gone too far, I'll meet you where you are.
(My arms are open wide)

I know you want to run away,
I know that you can't see tomorrow.

Caroline, let me wipe away your tears, and give you life;
Make you feel beautiful again.
Caroline, don't throw it all away;
I'm here tonight to take away your pain.

Caroline.

- Seventh Day Slumber, Caroline

ENG 2D7

In english class, we've just finished studying Such a Long Journey, by Rohinton Mistry, which an informative glimpse into the cultures of the peoples of India in post-war times (1970's). We just started our study of William Shakespeare's King Richard III and I must admit, I really am enthralled by this work. Language-wise, it's the same as Romeo and Juliet (which I, like everyone else, studied in grade nine english), but the context is a bit harder to grasp than just a simple tragic love story. Nevertheless, I found some lines (from just the first couple - literally - of scenes) that were almost too allegorical for comfort.

- Here's a conversation of Act 1 Scene 2 of King Richard III between the scheming Richard and a grieving Anne. Richard is trying to persuade those in Anne's livery to obey his commands.

Richard -
Unmannered dog, stand thou when I command.
Advance thy halberd higher than my breast, (40)
Or by Saint Paul, I'll strike thee to my foot
And spurn upon thee, beggar, for thy boldness.

Anne -
What, do you tremble? Are you all afraid?
Alas, I blame you not, for you are mortal,
And mortal eyes cannot endure the Devil. (45)
Avaunt, thou dreadful minister of Hell.
Thou hadst but power over his mortal body;
His soul thou canst not have. Therefore be gone.

The villanous Richard, who because of his physical deformity cannot make what is good and pleasing, has taken a vow to play the villain, to be the most evil and heinous being possible. Remind you of anyone? Richard plays his part marvellously, hurling empty insults (39, 42!) and threats (41-42). But Anne, the angry and bold master of the servants steps in to steel their hearts against this assault. Questioning whether they are afraid (43), she sympathizes with their plight (44) and outwardly, forwardly accuses Richard of being a devil in guise. She emboldens our hearts and shields them from the villain's attacks by exposing him for what he really is, the prowling lion that the Devil is, as described by 1 Peter 5:8.

"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

Enemy at the Gates

Deception is your name. I cried out for your hand. All I see is your foot in my face holding me down, down on the ground. I fall to my knees to praise my Savior. Your eyes are so cold, your hands stained with the blood of children. So you think you can hold me down forever. I will rise and fight 'til my last breath. You put me down to make yourself feel better. The time has come. I'll stand up. Fight for Christ. He is all I have. I will stand for my King. I'll praise him every day. Rumors of men in the night, coming to take my life. They came and took your life. Rise again from these ashes and fight. Fight forever. We'll stand every day to praise His name on high. I will stand and fight forever. I will stand and fight forever more. In this life, you can't take it. You're not real. You can't prove you are. You're wrong.

- Mortal Treason, Feed On the Weak

I now have an answer to one of the recent "info @ the P.Pole" questions. Hating the Devil is a total go; I justify this that we cannot love one master (God) and another at the same time (Sin). So Satan, you're totally **screwed, and I'd rather not also be **screwed by association. I've gotta fight you, and hard. Time to grab hold of my Bible and Jesus once again.
Thanks for listening and letting me know that I'm not completely alone.

info @ the P.Pole 10.16.05

This upcoming week is going to be a tad bit hectic. I've got, so far, 3 volleyball games (for which I will be skipping a fourth period of my school day each), and one volleyball tournament out by Martin Grove and Eglinton (near Lester B. Pearson Int'l Airport O.o) on Friday (meaning that I'll be rushing back to school and then to church after missing a whole day of school). I'll also have to catch up with whatever I happen to miss in my missed classes at the same time. i'm going to write my weekly list now.

6 issues that I've been mulling over:

• Which is the cause of the other, Satan or Pride (i.e. Sin)? Can Satan tempt himself? Since he chose to sin the very first sin (before he fell, technically; before a Devil who tempts existed), does that mean that even [some] angels were created with an instinctively sinful nature? Were the fallen angels created with a natural sense of pride? If so, were they 'flawed'? If Satan's temptation isn't essential for sins to be committed, would Eve have eaten the Fruit without Satan's 'help'? There will be no temptation or evil in heaven when Jesus Christ brings all believers there, but were temptation and evil present in heaven prior to Lucifer's fall? O.o
  
• Angels are loved by God. As there cannot be love without choice, angels must've been given the ability / priviledge of choice. Some chose to disown God. Can the fallen angels be saved from their sins, and if not, why not? Are they not, like everything else, created (and loved) by God? If they (like man) can choose to sin, can they choose (like man) to return to God through His death and resurrection and thus, be saved from their sins? If there is choice for angels (in heaven), will we have choice (and therefore, the capacity to sin) when we go to heaven? If not, then how can love exist in heaven? O.o
  
• Are God's perfect plan and the reality of a fallen world contradictory or complimentary? Did He plan for Lucifer (and effect, all of mankind) to fall or did He simply allow the choices to be made? Naturally, one will wonder: if the possibility of a sinless world could have been entertained even if only for a moment in time, would - for just that moment - there be no purpose behind, no need for Jesus Christ['s sacrifice], thereby eliminating the need for a third of the Triune God completely? If such a moment never existed, was the world was doomed to sin from the start? O.o
  
• God loves all of His creation (meaning everything in existence). Does that mean that He loves Satan? If not, does that mean that His love isn't perfect, complete, infinite, and all-encompassing, or does God just choose to whom to extend His love? How can all men be equal in the eyes of God if He chooses to save one over another? Since Jesus died that all sins may be forgiven in hopes that creation could be returned to God's side, can the Devil (and the other fallen angels), in theory, be saved from sin (i.e. if he/they were acceptant), or does Jesus' power to save only extend to mankind? If God loves Satan, what does that mean for us Christians, who are called to be like Him in every way possible? Should we pity, ignore, love, or hate Satan? What would Jesus do? O.o
  
• Is sin something that is created or is it like an energy that can only be transferred but never created or destroyed? If sin cannot be created - isn't alive, per se - how can it be put to death by Christ? How can we believe that God will abolish Satan and evil forever if it cannot be destroyed? Let's say it was created and that it can be destroyed. But, if it was / is created, who does the creating? God created everything; is sin/the sinful nature of humans a creation of God? How can this be if all that God creates is good and meant to be pleasing to Him? O.o
• Under which conditions does pudding have the perfect consistency / viscosity / attributes for use as a facial cream? Will flavour have any bearing on its performance as such? O.o

It's all very muddled in my mind, but I think those are some good questions if you care to follow. I don't understand, not even what the questions are sometimes, but God must exist. If a meer mortal could ever understand Him completely, He would not be God. One question always leads to another, and yet another.
I feel like the mentally disabled father from I Am Sam who doesn't have all the answers and is frustrated. But the answers are not what matters. "One's mental capacity has absolutely no bearing one's ability to [be] love[d by God]." (**Michelle Pfeiffer, I Am Sam, paraphrased and brackets added by me). That movie was really good. Very moving and meaningful.
Of course, answers / personal hypotheses to the questions are welcome. spread the love / enlightenment! I guess we're all doomed to a life of seeking more and more of His face. What fun!

Plans - OVERVIEW

"Plans" by Death Cab for Cutie as reviewed / analyzed / commented on by me, Larker.

1. Marching Bands of Manhattan (Gibbard)

If I could open my arms and span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are, making a lake of the East River and Hudson.
And if I could open my mouth wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing and bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.

I wish we could open our eyes, to see in all directions at the same time.
Oh what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you.
And it is true what you said: that I live like a hermit in my own head,
But when the sun shines again, I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

**
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole,
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound.
But while you debate half-empty or half-full,
It slowly rises: your love is gonna drown.

Comments: Proclaiming love and faith; Accepting enlightenment; Drowning in a pool of pessimism. The debut track on Plans does the album as a whole honour as it aptly presents the band's style and sound within its 4 minutes and twelve seconds of glory. DCFC shows itself to be emo without being wussy, mellow without being dawdlingly slow and boring. Marching Bands sets the stage for (what will now be expected to be) an awesome album.
Feel: Positive and chill.
Love: Bass.

2. Soul Meets Body (Gibbard)

I want to live where soul meets body.
And let the sun wrap its arms around me.
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing.
And feel, feel what it's like to be new.
'Cause in my head there’s a Greyhound station,
Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations,
So they may have a chance of finding a place where they’re far more suited than here.

And I cannot guess what we'll discover,
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels.
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's,
And not one speck will remain.

I do believe it’s true that there are roads left in both of our shoes.
But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too.
So Brown Eyes I hold you near, 'cause you’re the only song I want to hear.
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.

Where soul meets body.

Comments: Looking forward to something better; Hoping in the unknown; Friends helping one another; Persevering. The first (so far, only) single off of Plans is Soul Meets Body. As expected of a single, SMB continues the positive wave of emotions from Marching Bands. With a driving beat and optimistic lyrics, DCFC paints a picture of brighter horizons for the listener. Definitely single-worthy.
Feel: Upbeat and cheerful.
Love: Lyrics.

3. Summer Skin (Gibbard / McGerr / Walla)

Squeaky swings and tall grass.
The longest shadows ever cast.
The water's warm and children swim,
And we frolicked about in our summer skin.

I don't recall a single care.
Just greenery and humid air.
Then Labor Day came and went,
And we shed what was left of our summer skin.

On the night you left I came over,
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders.
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink,
And I knew your heart I couldn't win.
'Cause the season's change was a conduit,
And we left our love in our summer skin.

Comments: Love lost to winds of time. Summer Skin stands in stark contrast to the first two tracks. Plans now slows down for some melancholy reminiscence of good times had in the past. We'vc now gone from hoping in the future to mourning after the past. Contrary to most conventions, the bass - the quiet, reserved, and resonating murmur of a band - plays the main riff of this song. The rich and sonorous tone of the bass I found quite fitting of the depressive mood of my beloved Summer Skin.
Feel: Forlorn and nostalgic.
Love: Needless to say, bass.

4. Different Names for the Same Thing (Gibbard)

Alone on a train aimless in wander.
An outdated map crumpled in my pocket.
But I didn't care where I was going,
'Cause they're all different names for the same place.

The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun,
And I knew no words to share it with anyone.
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed.
All the different names for the same thing.

Comments: Weakness of the human mind to understand the thoughts, not words, of others. Slow and moody, Gibbard's glum vocals and gloomy piano slowly give way to a more lively second half of the track, bringing in the bass and the drums. I'm still quite undecided on this song's standing in my mind, mainly because of the drastic change of tempo about a little less than half-way through the song. It's, nevertheless, amazing.
Feel: Depressive and cheery. O.o
Love: Lyrics.

5. I Will Follow You into the Dark (Gibbard)

Love of mine some day you will die,
But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark.
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white.
Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark.

**
But if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied,
And illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs,
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman Rule,
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black.
And I held my tongue as she told me, "Son,
Fear is the heart of love," so I never went back.

You and me, we've seen everything to see.
From Bangkok to Calgary and the soles of your shoes,
Are all worn down: the time for sleep is now,
But it's nothing to cry about.
'Cause we'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms.

Comments: Sticking with friends through it all; Fear, Love, and Hurt; Waiting for the right time. Perhaps one of the best songs on Plans - if not the best - is I Will Follow You into the Dark. The most beauty can be found in the simplest of things and this track reeks of simplicity: it's completely acoustic. The lyrics are poetic and charged with meaning, yet direct all at once. The bare bone vocals and acoustic guitar blend nicely to warm the heart of the lucky listener.
Feel: ... : )
Love: Everything.

6. Your Heart Is an Empty Room (Gibbard)

Burn it down 'til the embers smoke on the ground,
And start new when your heart is an empty room,
With walls of the deepest blue.

Home's face: how it ages when you're away,
And spring blooms and you find a love that's true.
But you don't know what now to do,
'Cause the chase is all you know and she stopped running months ago.

**
And all you see is where else you could be when you're at home.
And out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone.

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window,
And disappeared with everything that you held dear.
But you shed not a single tear,
For the things that you didn't need,
'Cause you knew you were finally free.

'Cause all you see is where else you could be when you're at home.
And there on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone.

Comments: Primary succession (>_O); Restlessness of mankind's heart. This song reminds me of U2's Crumbs From Your Table, mainly because of the electric guitar parts. This song gets back to the happier aspects of life, such as second chances and starting over.
Feel: Consoling and hopeful.
Love: Lyrics.

7. Someday You Will Be Loved (Gibbard / Walla)

I once knew a girl in the years of my youth,
With eyes like the summer: all beauty and truth.
But in the morning I fled, left a note and it read:
"Someday you will be loved."

And I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
'Cause each broken heart will eventually mend.
Just as the blood runs red down the needle and thread.
Someday you will be loved.

**
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs: like I never occurred.
And someday you will be loved.

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep,
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks.
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet.
And someday you will be loved.

Comments: One sided love; Choosing what's best for the beloved over happiness. Quite possibly the saddest song on Plans, Someday talks of the tragedy of unreciprocated love. As can be expected, the song is slow and Gibbard's hapless vocals sing out the heavy-hearted mood. There's a sense of self-pity to be found in the lyrics, as if the heart were torn between its desires for its own needs and the joy of a loved one. Awkwardly enough, I found that his act of sacrificing one's own desires and leaving her so that she may be happy - i.e. finding love with someone else - is in fact what love should cause: a selfless form of care for another's well-being. Therefore, he does love her and she is loved, in the present. It's just that neither of them know it.
Feel: Emo-like-there's-no-tomorrow and depressive.
Love: Ideas / themes.

8. Crooked Teeth (Gibbard / Walla)

It was 100 degrees, as we sat beneath a willow tree whose tears didn't care,
They just hung in the air and refused to fall.
And I knew I'd made horrible call and now the state line felt like the Berlin wall,
And there was no doubt about which side I was on.
'Cause I built You a home in my heart with rotten wood and it decayed from the start.

Cause you can't find nothin' at all if there was nothin' there all along.

I braved treacherous streets and kids strung out on homemade speed.
And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep at all.
'Cause at night the sun in retreat made the skyline look like crooked teeth in the mouth of a man who was devouring us both.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech but they're closing the bar and they want us to leave.

And you can't find nothin' at all if there was nothin' there all along.

I'm a war of head versus heart and it's always this way.
My head is weak and my heart always speaks before I know what it will say.

And you can't find nothin' at all if there was nothin' there all along.
There were churches, theme parks and malls but there was nothing there all along.

Comments: Saving one's heart for special persons; Spirit Vs. Flesh; Dealing with failures and resulting consequences. At first glance (or listen) crooked teeth is cheerful and uplifting (especially considering the previous track), but this, I found, turned out to be almost sarcastic in nature. I looked at the song's lyrics to find that they actually talk about being isolated by one's own actions/failures. They tease and mock, stating the obvious and sad truth in a buoyant voice. I think that this song is also single-worthy, if DCFC were to release another.
Feel: Cheerful yet sardonic.
Love: Bass and lyrics.

9. What Sarah Said (Gibbard / Harmer)

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time,
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409.
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today,
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me.

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye,
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds.
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all,
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself.

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room.
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news.
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads.
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said:
That "love is watching someone die."

So who's going to watch you die?

Comments: Love is faithful, even to death. I think this is one of the more... expressive (?) songs of Plans. The deep lyrics probe the soul, stirring up questions and provoking thought. It's heartfelt and meaningful, questioning the authenticity of love. Who truly loves you? More importantly, who do you truly love? Would they be found beside your death bed? Would you be found taking their place in theirs? I know of only One that would do such a thing. Guess who. *looks up*
Feel: Thoughtful and solemn.
Love: Lyrics.

10. Brothers on a Hotel Bed (Gibbard / Walla)

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting 'cause I'm not who I used to be.
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise the youthful boy below,
Who turned your way and saw something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end.
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize when he catches his reflection on accident.

On the back of a motorbike with your arms outstretched trying to take flight, leaving everything behind.
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete in the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea, like navy men,
'Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides like brothers on a hotel bed.

Comments: Inescapable humanity; Changing and aging, for better or for worse; Dealing with being who you are. Another slower, pretty song. Gentle piano and vocals lull and calm. For me, Brothers coaxes me to accept that we really are all human, regardless of our efforts to break away from our evil, earthly natures - for now anyway.
Feel: Contented and peaceful.
Love: Piano.

11. Stable Song (Gibbard)

Time for the final bout.
Rows of deserted houses.
All our stablemates highway bound.

Give us our measly sum.
Getting the air inside my lungs is heavenly.
Starting out with nothing but crippling doubt.

We'll rest easy, justified.

I suffered a swift defeat.
I'll endure countless repeats.
The gift of memory is an awful curse.
With age it just gets much worse but I won't mind.

Comments: Learning to live on in spite of the ever-deplorable past. The final segment of Plans isn't a bang of a finish. Stable Song is a retrospective song, fittingly placed at the end of the album. Effortlessly flowing from one to another, this last song is marginally harder than What Sarah Said and Brothers. A great way to end off a great album.
Feel: Pensive and reflective.
Love: Progression.

Plans is definitely one of my favourite albums as of date, as are most of the albums that I would pay dearly to own. I don't really believe in spam-buying of CD's, but Plans was and is a must own. Of course, this overview has been but a fumbling in the dark for me to try and describe in written text what can only be properly understood and appreciated when heard and experienced first hand. Like any good story, good music should explore and examine man's internal being, stimulating the mind towards insightful meditation and thought, and Plans does this.

Sick Cycle Carousel

"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith." Hebrews 12:2

Great, great song by Lifehouse. It discusses, quite blatantly, the issue of a Believing Spirit pitted against its counterpart, a Sinful Nature. The shame attached to Sin is an ever present problem for some people to deal with. Tiredness and fatigue are present when one tries and tries to beat back Satan and his minions, but to no avail. He is ever vigilant, as we should be if we are to stand a chance in parrying his strikes. However, unlike the Devil, we are human. We are weak and of the flesh. Enter Jesus.
The chorus, "I tried to climb Your steps, I tried to chase You down, I tried to see how low I could get to down to the ground. I tried to earn my way, I tried to change this mind, You better believe that I tried to beat this. When will this end? It goes on and on. Over, and over, and over again. Keep spinning around, I know it won't stop, 'till I step down from this for good." depicts a Christian's struggle very nicely. We want to be pleasing to God, it's the cry of every real Christian's heart. At the same time, we may be struggling with the idea of earning and/or losing God's love, which is completely flawed in logic. That, in a sense, is an effect of pride.
We think that, somehow, we've reached out to God and we can somehow trick Him into loving us more with "good deeds". Similarly, we think that, through our sins, we can somehow make God love us less. If this were true, God would be, as a direct result of our logic, dependent on our actions. The Bible teaches otherwise. God is Previous. He simply IS. He is completely and utterly previous to all things. He was not born, created, or thought up. Whether we believe He is there (or here) or not, He simply is. This is plainly (and simply) stated as God Himself says, "I AM that I AM." (Exodus 3:14).
This raises the question, "What is He, then?" God is Perfect. Perfect in love and thus, everything else that is good and pure. And since His love for us is perfect, it can neither better nor can it worsen. It is complete and whole, standalone and totally independent of us and our deeds. Therefore, we must have the right mind set towards God when tackling our deeds.
Sometimes our struggles and sins seem to be repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious and repetitious. We say (more to ourselves than to God), "I'm sorry God." and promise, "This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time I'll say 'This'll be the last time.''''''".
A sick, cycle carousel that spins and spins around and around. It doesn't really go anywhere but tricks us into thinking it does. And we'll usually stay around, until we fall sick that is. Then we'll step down and probably fall to the ground. That's when we crawl back to a God who watches from the distance, hoping that we'll not play on that one thing in the playground, that we'd open our eyes to see the other slides and swings all the other great things He's laid out before us. We regain our balance by His sturdy hand. Then for some reason, we run back to the spinning carousel. What the eff indeed.
"I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this, I guess I was wrong. Now one more time." That's our problem. We're constantly guessing and double-guessing. Since our God is independent of all, He is not relative to anything. He is absolute and definite. That's what trusting in God means, if you ask me at least. If we can learn to use Him as a reference point, a starting and ending point for our entire lives and every moment/decision, our lives will be focused and tuned towards the proper fork.

"Alright, let's get this right this time."

info @ the P.Pole 10.11.05

5 weird facts about me (as i was tagged by Moyee):

• i can remember everything i want, selective memory is an appropriate name; a related note is that i apparently keep the weirdest items that even the people who gave it to me *wink* don't expect me to still have them, these are usually/always articles of great sentimental value that others do not understand
  
• i can swallow pills as large as two thirds of my pinky, or really really loudly (ask me next time we meet to show you people)
• i've got a secret (about to not be anymore) fetish for long hair... long, black, wavy, curvy, shiny, thick hair, preferably down... O.o does that explain a lot?
  
• i find myself quite naturally drawn towards my middle eastern companions
• i'm a total obsessive-compulsive poetry/english/language loser. yeah, but we all knew that.

our team received our jerseys today. i actually kind of like them, if not for the overall design, then for the word on the back of mine. (>_O)
here's the front, here's the back. the beautiful model posing is one of my shnookumses, she's my Nameless Bass. just look at those curves... but not too hard. i'll have to beat you for checking out [any of] my shnookums[es].

EDIT: oh dear God. my hair comment has been totally misread by the wrongest of parties. i apologize to all the nations of the world, and you, my dear reader. : P

EDIT: good God, Cher?! disgusting.

What's in a name?

So, I've been getting some hassling (more like inquiries) into what the name "Lark" or "Larker" really means. Well, a lark is a bird, a very special bird. It was first associated with wheat plants and thus, became associated to Jesus Christ who is the Bread of Life. This relation is further strengthened as the lark removes beetles, locust eggs, and caterpillars (which were symbolic of Satan) from wheat fields. It is also considered a link between heaven and Earth, as Christ is, symbolizing the marriage of heaven and earth. Therefore, one can conclude that the lark is representative of Jesus - and as a result association, Peace, but more importantly, Love. Again, the mentioned note of marriage lends itself to the overall theme of Christ and His love, as a husband and wife should love one another (especially the husband) as Christ loves the church. There's "Lark" for you.
Now as for "Larker", one might conclude that it is simply a natural progression or evolution of "Lark". Technically, that's a sound conclusion, though I'll let you figure out any other possible meanings on your own. It's not that complicated. Really quite simple, as these things should be.

And Adwin, be quiet.

EDIT: Seplling error rectified.

Hot Pursuit

God, I love life again. I asked to be spared damnation, You shower me with blessings.

"We have almost forgotten that God is a person and, as such, can be cultivated as any person can. It is inherent in personality to be able to know other personalities, but full knowledge of one personality by another cannot be achieved in one encounter. It is only after long and loving mental intercourse that the full possibilities of both can be explored.| All social intercourse between human beings is a response of personality to personality, grading upward from the most casual brush between man and man to the fullest, most intimate communion of which the human soul is capable of."
- A. W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

Great, great book; fitting that I happened to be compelled to pick it up on such a great, great weekend. Today was such an awesome day. Yesterday was also mind-blowing. This weekend has been so great. Highlights include: all the times together and drawing in chalk.
I enjoyed it, when we sat outside in the cold, cold night, eating and talking about everything and nothing at all. Those unperturbed moments with you are what remind and reaffirm to me that there is a God who loves and cares and knows and blesses, not to mention a God that certainly knows what He's doing. He flaunts the mastery of the skill with every shape of your face, every line of your body, every chamber of your mind, and every glimmer of your eyes... La la la la la...
Dude, I can't even think straight right now. I'm just kind of... lost in the pure joy of the moment. Oh, you enticing, playful soul. Those glances you gave lasted just long enough to acknowledge my pursuit, hinting at your enjoyment of it, without attesting to anything at all, keeping me guessing. What a fight you put up, but my determination to seek you out until attainment or your determination to let me get you or a mix of both led to what I think was quite a momentous way of ending the night. I'm sure the memory of our first true embrace shall run through my mind many, many more times before this cloud I'm on returns to earth.
Chasing after You, and chasing after you.

What would I do without you? Know not, I do. Do you?

In the car, I just can't wait
To pick you up on our very first date.
Is it cool if I hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?
Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?
I'm just scared of what you'll think.
You make me nervous so I really can't eat.

Let's go. Don't wait. This night's almost over.
Honest. Let's make. This night last forever.
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever.
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever.

When you smile, I melt inside.
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time.
I really wish it was only me and you.
I'm jealous of everybody in the room.
Please don't look at me with those eyes.
Please don't hint that your capable of lies.
I dread the thought of our very first kiss.
If I target that, I'm probably gonna miss.

Let's go. Don't wait. This night's almost over.
Honest. Let's make. This night last forever.
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever.
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever.

- Blink 182, First Date

pretty girl with cutie quirks gives Lark many smirks.

Talking to thin air.

So why should I take your hand when you can't promise happy endings?

It's starting to get old,
That story yet untold.
Reflect before we walk into,
What we already know,
Won't be so easy.
Looking back at high school drama...
Didn't try to fix what we thought were problems.
Done with writing empty letters.
Is there no other way?

Staring at your reflection every day,
Can make or break my heart away
When you won't listen to what's hard for me to say.
Those tear stained eyes can make me feel so sad.
And once again we're further away from what we never had.

So why should I take your hand when you can't promise happy endings?
Just run away with so much left to share.
It's just not enough,
When we're so much more than friends.
We're much too young to throw away our cares.

There's no sense in regretting what's been said in our yesterdays.
We can't take back what's done,
But we can look ahead.
And I would walk so much further just to know what I'm doing here.
And there's no end to what I'd give to know just what you meant when you said,
"How can I feel alive when we can't help but break our backs just to survive?"
Is this another time we can't control our lives?

Those tear stained eyes can make me feel so sad.
And once again we're further away from what we never had.

So why should I take your hand when you can't promise happy endings?
Just run away with so much left to share.
It's just not enough,
When we're so much more than friends.
We're much too young to throw away our cares.

How can I feel alive when we can't help but break our backs just to survive?
Is this another time we can't control our lives?

Those tear stained eyes can make me feel so sad.
And once again we're further away from what we never had.

So why should I take your hand when you can't promise happy endings?
Just run away with so much left to share.
It's just not enough,
When we're so much more than friends.
We're much too young to throw away our cares.

- Amber Pacific, Thoughts Before Me

hell yeah.

If being to you close
means you won't to me be talking,
I do believe I choose
wrong; I just might start walking.

- moi-même, Talk to Me or Walk from Me

I say second-best can go screw itself. It's all or nothing for me. Nothing should come easy, I've learned that much. Nothing but death.

"They just don't and won't get it."
"Just STFU, alright? I'm tired of your views."
"The truth is the ugliest thing known to man."
"I told you once already. STFU. Truth or not, I won't believe it."
"If you won't listen to me, then go see for yourself."

...

"...why does it have to be like this...?"
"Why not?"
"...I'll show you. No, she'll show you."

...

"...you know, you're right."
"See? Now learn to settle for less."
"I don't want to. We, you and i, shouldn't have to."
"Well, it won't be 'less' if we just lowered our expectations."
"The ones no one knows about?"
"The ones we never shared."
"Right, those."
"It's that, or let Him give us what He will."
"But He's obviously forgotten to care for us. How can He be here if we're here alone?"
"Well, He says He's everywhere."
"Then why do His Legs stray from our side, His Hands from our shoulder?"
"His legs are feeble and human, as are His hands."
"If He's who He says He is, He should be able to overcome the weakness of His own Body."
"He is who He says He is. His Body is another story. It's only human."
"We're only human. I guess we're all doomed to a life void of the capability to love one another... From what I've seen anyway..."
"Maybe we've been looking in all the wrong places."
"Or the right places are still under construction."
"Damn. Or that. So what'll we do?"
"I guess if no one knows our thoughts, we could just tell 'em all."
"But only the ones who ask should receive, only those who seek should find, only those who knock should have the door opened."
"I doubt many of them would even care to try and figure us out."
"Then many of them won't figure us out. What's it to you?"
"I mean we're not even that complex, are we?"
"Hardly. We're quite simple really. We want what anyone wants."
"And what is that? I'm not quite sure myself."
"To be cared for. To be cheered when we're down. To be paid attention to. To be cherished and embraced. To be treasured and sought after."
"But what if they don't give us what we want? Do we drop 'em for ones who will?"
"That's a bit harsh... and foolish. We could wait around to see what happens."
"Or we could put the ones with prospect in the 'Maybe-Pile' until they get us."
"Well, I hope this won't come to that, but it might... That'll be too bad, so very sad."
"But the ones we drop will be just another drop in the ocean right?"
"Yeah... Yeah. Just another drop of salt water."
"... what is that... falling?"
"Nothing. Well, just another drop of salt water."
"Aww don't worry. Things'll get better for you and I, I'm sure. He's got a kindred spirit for us out there somewhere, other than each other I mean. Other than myself for me, and yourself for you. We're two of a kind. Things'll get better, this I promise you."
"And if things don't?"
"Then we'll die. Just you and I. Together and alone in these fragile bones."

EDIT:
All-Purpose Emo. APE.

...
I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
...

- Death Cab For Cutie, part of Marching Bands of Manhattan

If there's one thing I know I love, it's music.

The Bus Logs 1

He embraces her tenderly, yet not innocently. She clasps to her breasts an encased brass trophy from a different world. The two sat, across from I the silent onlooker. Their words were muted from me but they spoke multitudes nonetheless. Gracefully, she places her burden down beside her, distancing herself from him. Bewildered, he makes a pass at her goods but to no avail. She brushes his hand away and looks on. Reasoning is futile, as she isn't listening at all. She hears not his case, as I sit, watching his lips form formless words, drawing scribbles in the air. I watch on, captivated by the show of maundering signals, mistimed words, and the maladroit show of what could've been quite impressive fireworks. Never one to be denied what he thinks is his, he tries again, doing nothing but repelling her and creating a sense of sympathy in me for the two of them. For her, as she is lacking the respect she so dearly deserves, and for him, as he is lacking the chivalry he so clearly needs.
Not hearing the meat of their conversation, if you can call it that, I'm sure I've discerned the general idea:
Guy says something inconsiderate. Girl flashes a glacial glance. Guy instantly becomes gross, stinking gorilla. Girl turns away from the putrid scent. Gorilla tries to pardon himself. Girl does not understand ape. Girl tries to get away from the overgrown, hairy mammal before her. Gorilla is confused and does not understand. Gorilla tries to prove to girl his affection in the only way he knows, with body language. Girl chooses to disregard ape's grunting and pointing at the obvious answer.
He is pretty mad by the end of the ride. They disembark together. I say a brief prayer for the girl's well-being. Some of us guys really are jerks.

Here's to you.

so let's see, i used to think that you were quiet and reserved, saying nothing of what you might've thought of me. that was a long time ago and since then, i've gotten to know the real, super cool you. and i'm still lame and strange. always ready with something witty or random or downright hilarious to say, you always manage to lighten my mood. speaking of, we seem to have a certain telepathic understanding when it comes to certain things, which i find pretty cool. sometimes, it's almost like it's a no-words-needed type of thing with us sometimes. très cool.
for next sentence, let (sister) be (b). you're kinda like my (sister)rother from another mother, which you are literally, in a sense. those last sentences were also examples of the degree of randomness you are quite admired/respected/known for. you manage to help me get by by talking me through tough times and you help me to get back up and struggle it out. good-up to you. you're one of those people that i could spend hours with without getting bored or even slightly annoyed. knowing people like me, i think that's a compliment to you. (>_O) i can't think of one time i've ever been annoyed by you, regardless of your often and sometimes sporadic abuses of the verbal kind. i know you don't really mean it, so it's all good. i hope anyway... you're always up for an interesting time. you even tagged along with me as i went for my runs this past summer. by the end, i was out of breath whereas you were barely breaking a sweat. of course, you were on your bike. i think we met a long time ago, during march break. that was back in the old days when Stephen would go bowling and drag you and i along. since then, i think i've gotten to know and like you a lot more for your unanimously - agreed - upon - by - all (oh, redundancies) quirktacular antics. simply amazing. so don't ever think you're lame'd or whatnot, since you've got someone (as in, i) who knows lame when he sees it telling you that you're uber cool. don't ask how i would know lame, because i think we all know the answer to that question. : )
consider yourself dedication post'd, Moe.

Waiting. 1. 2. 3.

Every town has a diner
where I'll meet you and your friends too.
Things are just a bit nicer over some coffee.
You can tell me all about your day.
I don't know much about you, not that I want to.
Not that I want to.
Sometimes I can't escape from my room, so excuse me;
I'll be just a little late.

You will wait for me.
You will wait for me.

Every town has a corner
where I'll see you and your friends too.
Hang out looking cool. Saying the same things over and over again.
Sometimes we all feel stupid;
we say the wrong things.
You're not the only one.
Sometimes we all get left behind in a race of style;
it's a dumb thing.

You will wait for me.
You will wait for me.
You will wait for me.
You will wait for me.

- Death Cab For Cutie, Wait

waiting is a test. waiting is good. we'll keep waiting for as long as we need to.
i'll wait for you to warm up; you'll wait for me to grow up. as for right now and forever we'll wait on His hands and feet with everything we've got. deal?

EDIT: no honourable mention = boo.

info @ the P.Pole 10.02.05

october is here. just a couple months till Christmas. then a couple more till march break + TC. then a couple more till summer.

5 violent things i've done in the past week:

• slapped my friend for calling a guy "Crystal"
• punched the same friend for doing it again, this time including the "closing garage door" hand motion
• dented a locker, nearly breaking my hand
• "shaolin" kicked a volleyball into someone's head/face during scrimmage
• took out my pent up angst on Her for no good reason
  

walking home

he sits alone in the park, watching the trees and the breeze at play. how happy the leaves looked, to be in such a beautiful community: where all fall together, but are reborn together as well. how very happy they looked to him, worsening his aching.
getting up, he breathes in the evening air. chilled. cold. brisk. the sun is setting, like all the other nights. slowly. gently. inevitably. stretching his chest, he clasps his hands behind himself and flexed, tensing then relaxing. how odd, that his own were the only hands he had ever embraced. he shakes his head, trying to clear his mind. picking up his pullover, he turns, making for the sidewalk in the distance.
his strides are calculated, meticulously methodical; he could slip and fall with just one wrong step. night is coming on quickly now. this boy -- this man -- walks with deliberation, he has a goal, a distant destination. the hard soles collide with the concrete, causing a deafening racket in the otherwise still evening. startled by the realization, he glaces around, fearing that someone might have been disturbed by him. of course there is no one about. he lets out a sigh - whether of relief or of sadness is unknown, even to himself.
the concrete. that was always there, ever since he was small. checking again for others, he eases himself onto his knees, feeling the grainy texture of the cold, cold slab. there he was, kneeling like a fool, kneeling to feel the cool, calm concrete with his fingertips. a strong gust of wind knocks him from his perch, sending him reeling to the ground. he reaches out for something to grab onto to no avail. crack. seeing stars now, he lies disoriented and nauseated on the hard stone.
the stars in his head and those in His sky mingled and danced. even they could dance together, paying no heed to the years between them.
shaken, he gets up slowly, steadying himself with one hand to keep from toppling. but this time something felt different. standing now, he feels another wave of dizziness. he shakes his head to clear it again. he continues on his way thinking he's alone, all the while oblivious to the many who watch from the branches of the trees, to She who watches while matching his stride, and to He who watches from the perches of the stars.

Hotel Yorba

I was watching
with one eye on the other side.
I had fifteen people telling me to move:
I got moving on my mind.
I found shelter
In some thoughts turning wheels around.
I said 39 times that "I love you."
to the Beauty I had found.

Well it's 1, 2, 3, 4...
Take the elevator
at the Hotel Yorba.
I'll be glad to see you later.
All they got inside is vacancy.

I've been thinking
of a little place down by the lake.
They got a dirty little road leading up to the house.
I wonder how long it will take 'til we're alone,
sitting on the front porch of that home.
Stomping our feet on the wooden boards,
never gonna worry about locking the door.

Well it's 1, 2, 3, 4...
Take the elevator
at the Hotel Yorba.
I'll be glad to see you later.
All they got inside is vacancy.

You'll prob'ly say I'm silly
to think childish thoughts like these,
but I'm so tired of acting tough
and I'm gonna do as I please.
Let's get married
in a big cathedral by a priest.
'cause if I'm the man you love the most
you can say "I do." at least.

And it's 4, 5, 6, 7...
Grab your umbrella.
Grab hold of me,
'cause I'm your favorite fella'.
All they got inside is vacancy.

- The White Stripes, Hotel Yorba

quite the funky song. up-beat and cheery, just as i am at the moment and have been for the past few months. (>_O)