they're all so excited... excited!

i took the bus home today, getting on at the stop just before the high... way... high... way... high... way... high... way... high... way... high... way... high... way... high... way! yeah, i finished the stupid-waste-of-time test (aka: ontario literacy test) and went to play some ball with my buds from school. tonight, my family's heading out to HK. fun stuff. they better have fun. i know i will! >_O apparently, they were to leave friday night, but they got kicked up to tonight, so this is going to be interesting. hm, i think it's time to reinstall my Sim City 4000. fun times!

info @ the P.Pole 03.27.06

5 things i did today:

• won a round of Big Two in the cafe at lunch with 4 twos
• skipped third and fourth periods of class (presentations -- i did mine friday, remember? -- and watching a movie, both supervised by supply teachers)
• went to Parkway with Shivon and Pradeep to chill and chat
• arrived at my doctor's appointment two hours early, consequently spending two hours reading "The Life of Pi" with the pleasant receptionist eyeing me warily
• redid the P.Pole's sidebar to look prettier

EDIT: it has been brought back to my attention that IE does suck very much. esp. when it doesn't like to display CSS properly. to remedy this, i tried to impliment some javascript codes but i decided that it is not worth it. just know that it is meant to be viewed in FF (as is the rest of the internet world IMO). in fact, if you haven't already, please switch over to Firefox, here. it's much more flexible and it actually follows standards. woohoo. not only that, but it's safer too, so yeah. forget IE and meet FF.

Emo Lvl. 3/5 - Decreasing For His Purpose

"He must increase, but I must decrease" John 3:30
Slightly bored and severely confused.
In the words of one Oswald Chambers,
"You may often have to watch Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it."
I catch what people say and can only wish someone other than me could feel the irony in the air.
It's so thick sometimes that it makes me want to say something about it.
Though, if I ever spoke honestly, I'm almost sure that would be the end of everything "nice".
Of course, maybe that's just the emo talking.
Transparent is harder to live than I would like.
Especially in a place like this.
With surroundings like these.
It's alright (or not).
Either way, it doesn't really matter.
Am I right?
Speaking of rights, I have none.
This I've been taught quite forcibly in the past 48 (or so) hours.
Who am I to claim anything, to want anything, to seek anything, to need anything.
Who am I to say anything, to teach anything, to think anything, to feel anything.
No one.
Just another stranger.
Of course, we could just blame it on the emo again, right?
Uh huh.
Sure thing.
It's nothing.
Don't worry about it.
I don't even know what I want to get across anymore.
Goodnight.

i was thoroughly displeased...

...with something that did not seem to repulse anyone else -- in fact, it was applauded and encouraged. Z-O-M-G. W-T-F? B-B-F-Q.

on another note, way to totally miss the boat you guys.

i'm never doing that again.

civics project.
3 weeks to work on it.
worth 20% of the final mark.
research charity.
call charity.
contact charity.
pay visit to charity.
vibrant display board.
captivating presentation.
due tomorrow morning.
started yesterday.
left voice message yesterday.
emailed yesternight.
researched yesternight.
no direct contact made.
no reply received.
went to Shivon's place to work today.
board base finished today.
research finished today.
writing finished today.
finished board layout today.
ate cookies today.
drank mango juice today.
ate pizza today.
glued writing to board today.
created chart today.
glued chart to board today.

presentation to be written and rehearsed tomorrow morning.
presentation to be presented tomorrow morning.

and i'm never stapling myself again, because it hurts.
about the project, i think we might actually do very well since:

1. our board/display is very beautiful
2. all three of us (Pradeep, Shivon, and i) are pro-BSers
   

words of wisdom 03.21.06

So I figure, since I'll be living alone for a couple weeks in the not too distant future, it would bode well with me if I were to learn/ensure that I know how to do some pretty basic things around the house to take care of myself. In the kitchen, I came upon a plastic bag of grapefruits just lying there on the table. Picking one (at random) I proceeded to peel the bugger. I took out a trusty enormo-knife and began attacking the humble citrus paradisii with it. Its skin was a bright yellow, and I disposed of it quite quickly. If any of you, my endeared readers, have ever decided to peel a grapefruit before, you'll know that there is a white... 'inner skin' beneath the thicker outer skin. This is much harder to remove, if you don't know what you're doing. I had no idea what I was doing. Soon enough, having abandoned my knife, I was ripping and tearing away at this thin and elusive barrier between me and the juicy fruit. More on the juiciness later. I was unsuccessful at first, and things never improved. I gave up shortly after and resolved to eating the fruit directly off of the bitter inner skin. Now, I don't know if you know this, but I am someone who does not tend to place very much of my attention/care on my personal wellbeing. As a result, my hands and fingers tend to have many cuts and scratches and sometimes even inexplicable blisters on them. I'm also one who likes to pick and peel, so after cutting my nails in the winter, I will rarely have any skin on the tips of my fingers. I'm not too sure if you are understanding what I am talking about, but yes, all you need to know is that my hands are almost always cut and missing skin. So there I was, standing over the sink with a wholly peeled and slightly bruised and crushed grapefruit in my hands. My cut and blistered (from TC REC this time) hands. Let's just say [citric] acid and open wounds do not "mingle" very kindly. Nevertheless, I finished that cursed grapefruit, juices and all. My wounds are now thoroughly disinfected, though I don't believe they were infected to begin with.
Here's a bit of advice to take for the road: get your mother to peel it next time. It's either that or actually learn how to do it properly yourself.
Yeah. Like that's going to happen.

EDIT: Thanks unthinking. Here's how to prepare a grapefruit for eatage properly.

info @ the P.Pole 03.20.06

5 things i've been wondering about:

• myself - i'm one to doubt and constantly criticize, especially myself. this is going to sound weird but... i can be thinking one thing and have another part of myself telling... well, myself, that it's not true. like i have multiple personalities that talk back and forth in my mind. maybe i'm possessed. actually, maybe i'm just insane.
  
• wife - well, if He has it for me to love and serve one, that is. i wonder about what she'd be like. who's the perfect girl for me to take care of? will she be a good mommy? will she mother me?! hm, i wonder if she'll be cute on the outside or 'hot' on the inside? or both? hm...
  
• modern Christianity versus Christ-following - i really agree that nowaday's 'consumer Christianity' is more than a far cry from true discipleship -- like that of the early Christians who lived and died together, united for and in God. but of course, i could very potentially be flamed for saying this. i guess that's because this brand of... well... 'diluted Christianity' has successfully become the norm.
  
• heaven - there's really not a lot we know about heaven, but i dunno, i figure it wouldn't hurt -- at all, really -- to try and figure out just what it means to 'praise and exalt God forever' and to 'reign with Christ'... it's interesting to discuss this with others and find out what some other people think heaven's like. i also came to learn that, according to certain theories and trains of thought (which are actually very logical when properly explained), heaven is actually hotter than hell. that is, it is more discriminate and only those who can 'stand' the fires of heaven can dwell there. it's a bit awkward to grasp, but think about it. makes sense that 'bad people' would not be able to 'endure' living eternally in a community of people who, by nature, are loving and caring for one another. how hard it would be for the bitter and contrite to live amongst the peaceful and gentle. it's actually quite an inspired notion.
  
• the Caramilk secret - who doesn't!

people tell me i must be in grade 12 or first year. i assume this is because ugly people look older than they are.

info @ the P.Pole 03.17.06

5 TC 2006 things:

• team Abel: i didn't get to know all of you (or most of you) too closely, but hey, i'm glad we all had some great discussion times and i hope you guys took something useful from it all.
  
• sermons: i think that Jim's messages must have impacted many of those in the audience. i was glad that his message of the Gospel was quite complete in that was not the fuzzy, fluffy, 'fun' version, and actually mentioned the more 'unpopular' and realistic aspects of it, such as self-denial and discipleship.
• media: i didn't really like the media presentations because... well, it all seemed a bit overdone and dry at the same time. then again, the kids (in my team, anyway) seemed to have liked it and they found it interesting so i dunno, good up on the media team then.
• worship: i think i had thought that it was Adwin's team that was going to be leading junior TC, but then i realized (on the day of TC) that that was not the case. maybe after being exposed to the senior team's style of leading worship, i thought the junior team was quite reserved and conservative. at the same time, i think the junior team lead worship quite well, nevertheless. sure, they didn't have any fancy drumming or any flashy guitaring, but those things aren't what make worship worship so yeah. i think they could have used a 'One Way' type song in their line-up though, just to harvest all the pump'd-ness of TC.
• captaining: i went into TC with an ideal in my mind. i was hoping for the best, that all my kids would be nice and kind and pumped and out-going, and that i could basically leave them on cruise control. how wrong i was. we had a rough start, but (long story short) by the end of TC, i think our team had spent a lot more time bonding and talking than most other teams. i remember when our team was sharing testimonies/stories/whatever and right outside the room, another team was playing the 'Shove-A-Bum' game. i was afraid that my team had thought that my preference for discussions over 'fun stuff' was lame, and that i had failed them as a captain, but after TC, a few kids on my team came up to encourage me and to tell me that they wanted me to captain them again next year. i told them that i would love to have them again. i found it reassuring to hear -- from their lips -- that i had not completely blown this chance to serve others.
  

all in all, i've got to say that TC 2005 and TC 2006 were totally different experiences, from being an attendee to a captain. i think, i got a lot out of my team and i just hope they got something out of me.

in a couple days...

TC 2006 is gonna be here. oh no. that's right. i think we (i.e. Hannah and i) are pretty well prepped for this - we're captaining - but i'm still feeling a bit apprehensive. i guess, i can't really do anything but sit and wait for it to get here. i don't wanna be a let down to my team or Hannah or my coaches, cause that would blow.
on another note, i seem to have lost all (if i ever had any) of my determination to succeed. it seems to have simply disappeared. snuffed out without me even noticing. i am hoping that tonight's 'One Body' thing (happening at 7 pm @ Somang Pres. Church on Lawrence and Vic Park) will inspire/motivate me. there are too many little distractions and self-imposed obstacles in my day-to-day that i think are holding me back from being and doing what i should. i need to get back to doing really... deep devos again. somewhere in between, i lost the hungry and so, my Bible reading became bland repetition. the natural remedy for all this is a whopper load of silence and solitude time. the two go hand in hand.

Silence is a natural part of solitude and is its essential completion. Most noise is human contact. Silence means to escape from sounds, noises, other than the gentle ones of nature. But it also means not talking, and the effects of not talking on our soul are different from those of simple quietness. Both dimensions of silence are crucial for the breaking of old habits and the formation of Christ's character in us.
[...] the second primary objective of the curriculum [for Christlikeness] is to break the power of our ready responses to do the opposite of what Jesus teaches: for example, scorn, anger, verbal manipulation, payback, silent collusion in the wrongdoing of others around us, and so forth.
These responses mainly exist at what we might call the "epidermal" level of the self, the point of contact with the world around us. They are almost totally "automatic," given the usual stimuli. The very language we us is laden with them, and of course they are the "buttons" by which the human surroundings more or less control us. They are not "deep"; they are just there, and just constant. They are the area where most of our life is lived. And in action they have the power to draw our being into the deepest of injuries and wrongs.
Now it is solitude and silence that allow us to escape the patterns of epidermal responses, with their consequences.
[...] We hear cries from our strife-torn streets: "Give peace a chance!" and "Can't we all just get along?" But you cannot give peace a chance if that is all you give a chance. You have to do the things that make peace possible and actual. When you listen to people talk about peace, you soon realize in most cases that ther are unwilling to deal with the conditions of society and soul that make strife inevitable. They want to keep them and still have peace, but it is peace on their terms, which is impossible.
And we can't all just get along. Rather, we have to become the kinds of people who can get along.
[...] They also give us some space to reform our inmost attitudes toward people and events. They take the world off our shoulders for a time and interrupt our habit of constantly managing things, of being in control, or thinking we are. One of the greatest spiritual attainments is the capacity to do nothing. Thus, the Christian philosopher Pascal insightfully remarks, "I have discovered that all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, that they are unable to stay quietly in their own room."
This idea of doing nothing proves to be absolutely terrifying to most people [...] But at least the person who is capable of doing nothing might be capable of refraining from doing the wrong thing.
[...] the gentle Father in the heavens would draw nigh if we would just be quiet and rest a bit. Generally speaking, he will not compete for our attention, and as long as we are "in charge" he is liable to keep a certain distance.
[...] The cure for too-much-to-do is solitude and silence, for there you find you are safely more than what you do. And the cure of loneliness is solitude and silence, for there you discover in how many ways you are never alone.
[...] Muddy water becomes clear if you only let it be still for a while.
[...] You will know [...] an increased sense of who you are and a lessening of the feeling that you have to do this, that, and the other thing that befalls your lot in life. That harassing, hovering feeling of "have to" largely comes from the vacuum in your soul, where you ought to be at home with your Father in his kingdom. As the vacuum is rightly filled, you will increasingly know that you do notm have to do those things -- not even those you want to do.
Liberation from your own desires is one of the greatest gifts of solitude and silence. When this all begins to happen, you will know you are arriving where you ought to be. Old bondages to wrongdoing will begin to drop off as you see them for what they are. And the possibility of really loving people will dawn upon you.
- Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy

that, my friends, was quoted directly from Mr. Willard, one of the most insightful and inspired spiritual authors i've ever read (though i've not read a lot). it was long, but i think it brings a lot of good points to the table. just something to munch on, as i've been munching on for awhile.
i believe God's seventh day resting was spent in silence and solitude. that means it would do us good to spend 1/7 of our time in silence and solitude as well. of course, we will all say "that's insane! i've got too much to do! where would i find the time?!" notice how Jesus would withdraw from everyone quite often to just be silent and alone. if He benefitted from such a discipline, we surely can.
that is one of my reasons for love-hating the 'city life'. one on hand, there is always something happening. there's always some talk talking, some phone phoning, some blog blogging, some study studying, some play playing, some party partying, some show showing, and some church churching. of course, it's easy to say "we don't spend enough time having quiet time." and it's true. but there's no real way to get away from it apart from radically changing one's life style, perhaps even one's entire locale.
it mat be hard to imagine, but there are places elsewhere (i.e. not in the hustling and bustling cities of North America) where the entire populace, for example, would drop all that they are doing at, say, 4 o' clock in the afternoon and just shut down till tomorrow morning.
that's somewhere i would want to live when i grow up, if i am given the chance. much less clutter. much less fuss. much less stress. much less of all the extravagancies we've somehow grown dependant on. in contrast, there's much more time for reading and meditation, for prayer and worship, for fellowship and reaching out, for silence and solitude. of course, all those could also be done within the city life, but i think it would be much harder to have to keep up with the pace of life here (which i am insisting is anything but natural) and to switch to a slower pace whenever spending time with God.
anyway, the point of all this is that i've been thinking a lot about what it'd mean to actually DO what Jesus taught and did. or rather, what it would be like to BE what Jesus was/is, and have what He did/would do naturally come as a result. i think the first step would be to take more time to sit and just listen and learn, as a good disciple would/should/must. i think i shall be spending an entire day fasting and in silence during the march break, to really feel the effects of such a discipline.
on another, slightly related note, my family (mother, father, and sister) have decided to go on vacation without me in April. that means i'll have nearly 2 whole weeks to live alone. i'm not too worried about it. it's not like i've never lived apart from my rents before. that's what Haliburton is for. then again, my good friend Iain was there @ HSC, so yeah. this should prove interesting and i think it'd give me a good taste of what living on campus would be like (even though that's a ways off).
my place (well, mine when they all leave) will get either a lot louder or a lot quieter. louder when the music bans of my parents are lifted (since they are gone!!) and quieter when there is no more annoying screaming and singing of retarded songs on the kiddie tele (since my sister leaves with them)! w00t. i'm thinking, KBBQ in the middle of the night during the school week. who's coming with me?


PS: i realize this is a huge post, but hey, first real post back from my post abstinence.

EDIT: last night's One Body P&W night was very inspiring and intense. it feels great to get the Energy flowing in my veins again. today was also a good day. i attended the Longlac STM meeting today, in Dan's office, AKA (by Allen) as Allen's Office. i decided a while back that i would go regardless of whether friends were going or not, but hey, God knows what He's doing. can you believe it, Dorinda, Herman, AND Moyee are all heading up there too. i'm looking forward to working with friends towards something God wants in a hardcore, 24/7 service arena. and for 2 weeks. i'm sure i'll come to hate you all just a little bit by the end, but i think we'll all love God and one another more at the end as well. w00t. there was also the drama meeting for easter's passion play & dinner, and we had some good ideas going. should be pretty hot (so if you're reading this, Shivon, get off your anus and show up or i'll beat you into submission). i then stayed back at church to help out whoever was needing it, and i think we ended up accomplishing a lot. i think the fumes from the melted/melting plastic made my head swim. maybe that, or i was just 'aux oiseaux' when we were working together. >_O either way, it was a fun afternoon. Crystal looks surprisingly (or not, actually) cute with pretty [personalized] bows in her hair, tied by yours truly. it's a good look for her, i think. later, i left for a meeting with my coaches with Hannah, way out where T&T is. had a good long chat about TC plans and whatnot. then we (Roland, Hannah, and i) headed over to the TC Prayer Concert at 7 PM or so. that was quite a refreshing three hours of prayer and praise. i'm feeling pumped about Teens' Conference tomorrow, though not anxious, really. i'm gonna have a busy monday and tuesday, and i'm planning on silencing and solituding on wednesday, not only to recover from TC but to learn and simplify more. for now, i'll focus on Teens' Conference. let's do something eternal.

Copy Shop

here's an artsy short film that i found really cool to kick off the coming of posting season again. check it out.

EDIT: Google Video moved the video.

info @ the P.Pole [SPECIAL EDITION: quierdo]

let's see. here we are at the end of the line. the last of the special edition info sessions. and what a way to go, huh? with none other than the dear quierdo (i.e. [weirdo + queer]/2) and her take on me. and take she has! >_O but that's almost beside the point.
so who is this quierdo? well, i guess she's a girl i grew up with, since, oh, about grade 4? i dunno what to say about her, really. to be honest, she's quite a complex little girl. she's got a lot of ideas, and will either tell them as bluntly as can be to your face or never ever tell you at all. that's how she does things and you'll only get to her on her terms. i guess you could call it 'strong willed' or 'self-determination' and admire it. once quierdo gets an idea fixed in her mind, it'll probably stay that way and you won't have much to say in terms of persuading her. she's very nice and kind, so i've seen and heard. she's also sociable and fun to be around too, apparently. she's got a lot of hopes and aspirations that i would earnestly hope to come true for her. other names i've tagged onto her include: forehead girl, lady, m'dear, be♥ed this concrete poem), and yoou (which is, obviously, an inflection form of her 'youu', as you will soon find out). i guess my description of her has been pretty reserved - haha, just like her, ironically. oh well, personal affairs, i suppose. she's... a special little lady, and that's all i'm gonna say here on the P.Pole. well, here's her take on me:

"Youu are:

• my wise and big brother: I think this is self explanatory cause youu’re older, which usually means youu’re wiser right? right. and my brother cause youu’re my brother in Christ, but more importantly youu are always there for me and encouraging me. I’m verry blessed (:
• a nerdd: every one knows this, right? right. there is no point in explaining
  this cause youu’re just a cool nerd, which will lead to my other point
  which is…
  
• a gangster: cause youu’re cool, but at times tries to hard to be cool.. which
  makes youu less cool- but youu’re cool (most of the times (: ) and
  being cool makes youu gangster cause it just doess.
  
• youu: I think it’s cause youu’re unique and youu’re someone I can trust and
  someone who just makes me (:
  
• siree: siree, well that title was stamped on youu’re forehead ever sincee youu became
  His child. (:
  
• my friend and always will bee: well I hopee soo."
  

note: yyou might havee noticedd that she likees to typee likee this, but havee noo fearr, it'ss one of herr 'thingss'