in a couple days...

TC 2006 is gonna be here. oh no. that's right. i think we (i.e. Hannah and i) are pretty well prepped for this - we're captaining - but i'm still feeling a bit apprehensive. i guess, i can't really do anything but sit and wait for it to get here. i don't wanna be a let down to my team or Hannah or my coaches, cause that would blow.
on another note, i seem to have lost all (if i ever had any) of my determination to succeed. it seems to have simply disappeared. snuffed out without me even noticing. i am hoping that tonight's 'One Body' thing (happening at 7 pm @ Somang Pres. Church on Lawrence and Vic Park) will inspire/motivate me. there are too many little distractions and self-imposed obstacles in my day-to-day that i think are holding me back from being and doing what i should. i need to get back to doing really... deep devos again. somewhere in between, i lost the hungry and so, my Bible reading became bland repetition. the natural remedy for all this is a whopper load of silence and solitude time. the two go hand in hand.

Silence is a natural part of solitude and is its essential completion. Most noise is human contact. Silence means to escape from sounds, noises, other than the gentle ones of nature. But it also means not talking, and the effects of not talking on our soul are different from those of simple quietness. Both dimensions of silence are crucial for the breaking of old habits and the formation of Christ's character in us.
[...] the second primary objective of the curriculum [for Christlikeness] is to break the power of our ready responses to do the opposite of what Jesus teaches: for example, scorn, anger, verbal manipulation, payback, silent collusion in the wrongdoing of others around us, and so forth.
These responses mainly exist at what we might call the "epidermal" level of the self, the point of contact with the world around us. They are almost totally "automatic," given the usual stimuli. The very language we us is laden with them, and of course they are the "buttons" by which the human surroundings more or less control us. They are not "deep"; they are just there, and just constant. They are the area where most of our life is lived. And in action they have the power to draw our being into the deepest of injuries and wrongs.
Now it is solitude and silence that allow us to escape the patterns of epidermal responses, with their consequences.
[...] We hear cries from our strife-torn streets: "Give peace a chance!" and "Can't we all just get along?" But you cannot give peace a chance if that is all you give a chance. You have to do the things that make peace possible and actual. When you listen to people talk about peace, you soon realize in most cases that ther are unwilling to deal with the conditions of society and soul that make strife inevitable. They want to keep them and still have peace, but it is peace on their terms, which is impossible.
And we can't all just get along. Rather, we have to become the kinds of people who can get along.
[...] They also give us some space to reform our inmost attitudes toward people and events. They take the world off our shoulders for a time and interrupt our habit of constantly managing things, of being in control, or thinking we are. One of the greatest spiritual attainments is the capacity to do nothing. Thus, the Christian philosopher Pascal insightfully remarks, "I have discovered that all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, that they are unable to stay quietly in their own room."
This idea of doing nothing proves to be absolutely terrifying to most people [...] But at least the person who is capable of doing nothing might be capable of refraining from doing the wrong thing.
[...] the gentle Father in the heavens would draw nigh if we would just be quiet and rest a bit. Generally speaking, he will not compete for our attention, and as long as we are "in charge" he is liable to keep a certain distance.
[...] The cure for too-much-to-do is solitude and silence, for there you find you are safely more than what you do. And the cure of loneliness is solitude and silence, for there you discover in how many ways you are never alone.
[...] Muddy water becomes clear if you only let it be still for a while.
[...] You will know [...] an increased sense of who you are and a lessening of the feeling that you have to do this, that, and the other thing that befalls your lot in life. That harassing, hovering feeling of "have to" largely comes from the vacuum in your soul, where you ought to be at home with your Father in his kingdom. As the vacuum is rightly filled, you will increasingly know that you do notm have to do those things -- not even those you want to do.
Liberation from your own desires is one of the greatest gifts of solitude and silence. When this all begins to happen, you will know you are arriving where you ought to be. Old bondages to wrongdoing will begin to drop off as you see them for what they are. And the possibility of really loving people will dawn upon you.
- Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy

that, my friends, was quoted directly from Mr. Willard, one of the most insightful and inspired spiritual authors i've ever read (though i've not read a lot). it was long, but i think it brings a lot of good points to the table. just something to munch on, as i've been munching on for awhile.
i believe God's seventh day resting was spent in silence and solitude. that means it would do us good to spend 1/7 of our time in silence and solitude as well. of course, we will all say "that's insane! i've got too much to do! where would i find the time?!" notice how Jesus would withdraw from everyone quite often to just be silent and alone. if He benefitted from such a discipline, we surely can.
that is one of my reasons for love-hating the 'city life'. one on hand, there is always something happening. there's always some talk talking, some phone phoning, some blog blogging, some study studying, some play playing, some party partying, some show showing, and some church churching. of course, it's easy to say "we don't spend enough time having quiet time." and it's true. but there's no real way to get away from it apart from radically changing one's life style, perhaps even one's entire locale.
it mat be hard to imagine, but there are places elsewhere (i.e. not in the hustling and bustling cities of North America) where the entire populace, for example, would drop all that they are doing at, say, 4 o' clock in the afternoon and just shut down till tomorrow morning.
that's somewhere i would want to live when i grow up, if i am given the chance. much less clutter. much less fuss. much less stress. much less of all the extravagancies we've somehow grown dependant on. in contrast, there's much more time for reading and meditation, for prayer and worship, for fellowship and reaching out, for silence and solitude. of course, all those could also be done within the city life, but i think it would be much harder to have to keep up with the pace of life here (which i am insisting is anything but natural) and to switch to a slower pace whenever spending time with God.
anyway, the point of all this is that i've been thinking a lot about what it'd mean to actually DO what Jesus taught and did. or rather, what it would be like to BE what Jesus was/is, and have what He did/would do naturally come as a result. i think the first step would be to take more time to sit and just listen and learn, as a good disciple would/should/must. i think i shall be spending an entire day fasting and in silence during the march break, to really feel the effects of such a discipline.
on another, slightly related note, my family (mother, father, and sister) have decided to go on vacation without me in April. that means i'll have nearly 2 whole weeks to live alone. i'm not too worried about it. it's not like i've never lived apart from my rents before. that's what Haliburton is for. then again, my good friend Iain was there @ HSC, so yeah. this should prove interesting and i think it'd give me a good taste of what living on campus would be like (even though that's a ways off).
my place (well, mine when they all leave) will get either a lot louder or a lot quieter. louder when the music bans of my parents are lifted (since they are gone!!) and quieter when there is no more annoying screaming and singing of retarded songs on the kiddie tele (since my sister leaves with them)! w00t. i'm thinking, KBBQ in the middle of the night during the school week. who's coming with me?


PS: i realize this is a huge post, but hey, first real post back from my post abstinence.

EDIT: last night's One Body P&W night was very inspiring and intense. it feels great to get the Energy flowing in my veins again. today was also a good day. i attended the Longlac STM meeting today, in Dan's office, AKA (by Allen) as Allen's Office. i decided a while back that i would go regardless of whether friends were going or not, but hey, God knows what He's doing. can you believe it, Dorinda, Herman, AND Moyee are all heading up there too. i'm looking forward to working with friends towards something God wants in a hardcore, 24/7 service arena. and for 2 weeks. i'm sure i'll come to hate you all just a little bit by the end, but i think we'll all love God and one another more at the end as well. w00t. there was also the drama meeting for easter's passion play & dinner, and we had some good ideas going. should be pretty hot (so if you're reading this, Shivon, get off your anus and show up or i'll beat you into submission). i then stayed back at church to help out whoever was needing it, and i think we ended up accomplishing a lot. i think the fumes from the melted/melting plastic made my head swim. maybe that, or i was just 'aux oiseaux' when we were working together. >_O either way, it was a fun afternoon. Crystal looks surprisingly (or not, actually) cute with pretty [personalized] bows in her hair, tied by yours truly. it's a good look for her, i think. later, i left for a meeting with my coaches with Hannah, way out where T&T is. had a good long chat about TC plans and whatnot. then we (Roland, Hannah, and i) headed over to the TC Prayer Concert at 7 PM or so. that was quite a refreshing three hours of prayer and praise. i'm feeling pumped about Teens' Conference tomorrow, though not anxious, really. i'm gonna have a busy monday and tuesday, and i'm planning on silencing and solituding on wednesday, not only to recover from TC but to learn and simplify more. for now, i'll focus on Teens' Conference. let's do something eternal.