absitively

well, lately (after the intense practicing for Coffeehouse and HSC) i haven't been playing my bass quite as frequently. luckily, what little proficiency i had before has not dwindled to nothing. i picked up my bass and started playing some random songs i liked - that is, "Angel Without Wings", "Skin Like Winter", both by Zao, and "Absolute" by TFK. they turned out to be surprisingly simple and i am proud to say that i can finally jam along to my TAoB CD.
no one's online right now (no one i'd like to talk to in particular anyway) and so i'm quite bored. i do believe i'll start another drawing soon. it seems like i've been doing a lot of them lately (more than usual, which is none). i better get all my creative juices flowing again before i take on school again. good thing i keep posting these random posts on the P.Pole. the good ol' Pole is always up for listening to me blither and blather on about the latest development in my short life. it keeps the mind turning.
writing is quite enjoyable for me, and from what i've heard (i.e. other people's opinions that don't necessarily reflect my own), i'm good at it. *shrug* i think there are people out there that are supremely better than i at such things but that just means that i've got goals to work towards. i'm sure that being at the zenith of any game is quite lonely, and frustrating to not have anyone to look up to. i enjoy writing very much though...
see, when school rolls around again, i'm led to start thinking of why i'm doing all this. why go through school and perform all these seemingly (and sometimes, most definitely) benign tasks? to learn i guess. and if that's one of the few things i'm asked to do, i better not do that half-booty'd. oi... time to work hard.
it's strange, i see people around me and at a glace (well, a little more than a glance...) and i can see several very good, and very likely outcomes. an engineer, a social worker, a lawyer, a programmer, a teacher, a missionary, the list goes on and on for the ones around me. then i look at myself. blank. i can't be this because it's boring. i can't be this because i'm bad at it. i really do wonder what God is gonna turn me into... and then He says that patience really is the thing i need. patience to wait on Him, patience to deal with others, patience to deal with myself.
in the end, i'm kinda getting the feeling that i'm going to be something... of a hybrid of many different things, like i'll have a little bit of everything to do in my line of work. but what kind of a job is like that?! i mean, it's relatively easy for people with very specific goals and passions in life. when i think about myself, i have no particular goals of my own, i've no overpowering passions - i.e. i'm pretty much spread out everywhere, i like everything. that's almost as bad as hating everything when it comes to making a decision. maybe i'll be a hobo, like someone i know suggested.
well anyway, enough of that random off-topic-ness. the important thing is that i can play "Absolute".

My God.

HEADS UP: This piece gets pretty explicit concerning blood and gore, so to the squeamish I say these words of warning, "Don't read this post and then don't imagine and replay the actions described in your mind over and over again after reading it (against my previous warning) until it bugs you to the point where you cannot sleep." Yeah. You were warned - it's actually not that gory, but that's by my sick and twisted standards.

We call out to You, the Angry One,
"Come and do battle with the wicked."
For they, we have, wronged You."

Come down in power and grace,
Purge our hearts with Your might.
Blood shall be on Your hands tonight.

Break the wicked, that they may turn
But spare the righteous who love You,
Oh mighty Final One, bring destruction.

May You strike like lightning and thunder,
Destroy, obliterate all that enrages You,
That mankind can be made pleasing to You.

The Warring One is thirsty;
And only the purest blood, much of it,
Can possibly quench His hunger.

Our blood is tainted with evil,
Marred by the Deceiver, thus
No longer presentable to You, the Holy One.

Knowing this, He took up the fearsome Wrath
And with it, slit wrists, drew His own blood,
That we might be saved.

The mighty, the legendary Wrath had awaited this,
Biding its fury until this moment, this very night.
It shall feed, be engorged with blood like never before.

The Loving One moaned in bloody agony
As the blade of Wrath severed tendons,
Splitting ligaments, and crossing arteries.

Cutting deep into the Perfect One's pure flesh,
It quivered above the left breast, anticipating.
When the time came, it sank.

Deeply it plunged into His chest, into His heart
As all of nature groaned in thundering protest.
Such a pain had never been felt and would never be again.

Twisting Wrath with deadly force, He cried out in pain.
All the universe reverberated with the fearsome sound.
Life and death had become one.

Blood and light poured forth from the wound
So deep and grievous it was, proving fatal.
The Almighty One had been defeated.

With this, the vengeful Wrath was torn,
Exploding into countless, shining shards,
Pieces that were embedded into select men's hearts.

Pain, beyond death, struck every nerve,
Attacked my every part; searing torture.
"Let me die, like Him!" I said, unable to grasp it.

Reeling in confusion, nausea swept over me.
"What had just happened? Surely not what I think.
Had the Judge just condemned Himself?

"No. It was not His doing, but mine,"
The sickening realization swept over me
Just as gut wrenching as the nausea.

This must be the funeral of God,
He had fallen dead to His own love.
Surely all is lost tonight...

Blood had been spilled that night.
Droplets of it, flooding waves of it.
The world was drowned in blood that night.

The Infector delighted in such a spectacle.
He had won! Now to feast upon the spoils;
All creation was left to his own devices now.

He reached for the nearest body, floating face down.
The Evil recoiled in horror as his fingers froze.
The blood was actually protecting, preserving the dead!

This blood was blazing yet flowing, like lava.
Crimson, it burned with such intensity
That I thought I would surely perish in the heat.

Skin was peeled away, burned away.
The flames licked at us, the living corpses,
Lapping away the chaff.

And still some lay, the ones who had not been chosen,
Their eyes blank and staring, eternally dead, forever.
Sorrow and grief flooded my mind for these who soon faded.

Then it was over, all was silent, dead silent,
Save for the stale, deathly breeze that sent
Ripples of loneliness over the Sea of Death and our hearts.

Three bright stars shot by in the sky,
Yet all of mankind was laying prostrate,
Broken and fumbling for hope.

Even the Betrayer was subdued, resting on his throne,
Unable to contemplate what was happening,
However cunning he was. Even he was disturbed.

Out of the infinite ocean of blood, of death,
Rose the Holy, Deadly One, in all His glory.
All creation was thrown to the ground in awe.

Breathing a long sigh, the Warring One stood poised for battle.
The Liar, eyes wide, flung himself at such a monstrosity,
Bringing against the Holy One all he could muster.

Legions upon legions, spanning to the ends of the Earth,
They arose from the ground, armed to the teeth.
Such atrocities had never been gathered in such numbers.

The Ultimate One simply held up a finger,
The Deceiver and his minions dared not disobey.
"Come and do battle alongside me, all you who I've chosen."

He turned and surveyed us, the lost who had been found.
The Perfect One removed a blade of light from His chest;
Where wounds had once been now were only scars.

"Wrath has been satisfied for eternity,
This weapon I shall now name 'Christ.'
You who I have chosen have Christ, it is yours alone.

"With it, you are freed to use unlimited power,
Power that is mine, lent to you for my cause.
No one can steal it from you, for it rests within you.

"But within you it shall not stay forever. Use it.
You shall exercise this power, called Christ, in you
And with it you shall break and tear, heal and forgive.

"What was once my Wrath,
Is now replaced by Christ,
The ultimate embodiment of love and grace.

"With Christ you will stand against any onslaught,
Fend off any attacks, destroy all evil on your path.
With it you shall love the sick, mend the wounded."

With this, He turned back to the Black Legions of Hell.
"Come, let us finish what you have started, Lucifer,"
He said that as we, His followers, debtors, and lovers, drew our weapons.

So let our souls burn bright tonight
Dripping with fresh, crimson blood,
Blood that is not our own.

For indeed, He has paid the Great Price
So we shall fight on, not giving any heed
To fear, even all out Hell that will come our way.

With a God like this, like ours: the Almighty One,
How could we ever fear death? There is none in Him.
In death's face He laughed, and so shall we.

QUICK EDIT: Yeah I just read this one over and I must say, I'm weird. Creepy. O.o That, and I quite enjoy telling stories of war, satisfying the little boy within me that longs for violence and destruction. Properly directed, that longing can be good...

it feels good.

well, i went to pick up my timetable this morning. after dropping off my mom and grandfather (at the hospital) and my sister (at daycare), my dad promptly made for my school; something which he hadn't done in the past two months. i'm thinking that this coming year, i'll be getting into the habit of bussing to and from school, extra hour everyday. not that i've ever let such trivial things such as long distances get in my way before... anyw00t, i met up with an acquaintance (a friendly one i guess) and we chatted until the stubborn lady would let me get my timetable and leave.
see, my dad dropped me off at 9, and waited to see if i could - if i was lucky - grab my timetable early and he could drive me to finch (since he was going north after anyway), which would've saved me HOURS (of waiting and bus time). obviously, they didn't let me cut past "procedure" so i waved for my dad to leave.
i waited almost an hour until 0955 hours, when i asked for my stuff. denial.
"You're still technically early."
i thought to myself, "At least you won't be late when i slap you into next week." waited another 5 minutes, gathered my stuff - what an ugly agenda - and left. i also noted that, confirming my fears (or more like presumptions), i've got Science, English, Math and French for the first semester. great. then i've got Economics, History, Civics/Careers, and French (Grade 11, IB level... God help me). this'll be interesting. if nothing else, it'll prep me for actual IB which only starts in earnest in Grade 11. for some reason, i'm feeling not in the least bit anxious. bring it on, world.

rocks my socks.

You're worth so much.
It'll never be enough
to see what you have to give.
How beautiful you are,
yet seem so far from everything
you're wanting to be.

Tears falling down again.
Tears falling down.

You fall to your knees.
You beg, you plead.
Can I be somebody else
for all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
in every hour. You're drowning
in your imperfection.

You mean so much
that heaven would touch
the face of humankind for you.
How special you are.
Revel in your day.
You're fearfully and wonderfully made.

Tears falling down again.
Come, let the healing begin.

You fall to your knees.
You beg, you plead.
Can I be somebody else
for all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
in every hour. You're drowning
in your imperfection.

You're worth so much.
So easily crushed.
Wanna be like everyone else?
No one escapes.
Every breath we take,
dealing with our own skeletons.

You fall to your knees.
You beg, you plead.
Can I be somebody else
for all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
in every hour. You're drowning
in your imperfection.

Won't you believe
all the things I see in you?

You're not the only one
drowning in imperfection.

- Skillet, Imperfection

what an awesome song. you can download a LEGIT and LEGAL copy of this song here if you don't believe me, or if you believe me i guess... either way, listen to it.

It's here, grab your gear and let's go.

well, i just realized that school is about to rear its big, challenging - if not blatantly ugly - head. i can't really say that i'm looking forward to it (even though it will provide me with things to do). i'm not particularly enthusiastic. just look, i can't even get my life together now, when i have nothing to do; how much worse it will be with a whole new set of challenges to manage at the same time? hm, then again, summer is quite boring for people who don't do much (like me) and maybe school can be turned into something good, a solution, rather than another burden... *shrug*
i've got to head out tomorrow morning to grab my timetable (and maybe, if i feel like it, swap a couple first semester courses (i.e. Math, Science, French AND English) for a couple of the second semester courses (i.e. History, Civics & Careers, Economics, and French - grade 11 this time). i definitely won't be switching the first French for anything (as i will need my grade 10 French credit done by the end of sem. 1 to do the grade 11 credit in sem. 2, duh). so i'm thinking maybe... Math/Science for Civics & Careers. that seems like a good balance between the semesters... whether they'll allow it / such arrangements are even available is another story. oh well, i'm not particularly worried. i could very well work myself to the bone the first semester and pseudo-slack for the rest of the year...
another concern about school: will the Brownclowns + The Asian be reunited after the long summer apart?! for your information, the Brownclowns consist of Shivon and Kishon. and as guessed, the Asian (even though the other two are Asian... hmm... plot HOLE) am i. i certainly hope i have at least one class with them, as they are my staple friends at school. awesome people, really. i hope even if we don't have the same classes, strong bonds formed last year will hold strong and true. funny thing (not really) i don't really have any friends outside of two (Shivon and Kishon), even three (and Nate) individuals at school, but that's alright, considering the only people i consider my friends are the ones that matter and not the ones you walk by and wave at. these people are the ones who don't do much that says they care about me, but the love is there.
sadly (not really), my few connections with the opposite sex have dwindled to next to nothing... i guess i'm not one to seek (or need) attention from the [entirety of the population that is of the] opposite sex. me no playboy, i guess. it all seems a bit too frivolous to me, to go fooling around with random girls for no more than a sense of self-satisfaction. that and the fact that they mostly find me retarded because, for "some goddamn reason", i'm not spending every moment of my life talking to them and telling them how pretty they are. and that's caused by my newly cultured (as of the end of grade 9) inability to fall head over heals for someone's looks. i'm sorry, i'm not doing that again.
actually, i hadn't noticed it, but last year, there was this one girl that i quite fancied. i had tricked myself into thinking it was something more than just "oh look she's pretty". but shamefully i must admit, in the end, obviously, it was nothing more than that. the birghter the frog, the deadlier the poison. apparently though, She wants to get a frog, which i find odd and funny.
speaking of female relations, i just realized how i talk much more freely with the opposite sex about certain issues (i.e. stuff regarding faith or relationships or generally serious discussions) than with other guys.
interesting stuff, how i'm not particularly concerned about my relations (especially with girls) at my school, yet i'm thoroughly attached (in a friendly way of course) to my Sisters at church. O.o d'you think it's just to do with people themselves or is it the outlook on the different settings and/or communities? i guess that's the difference between a community that exists through Jesus (according to a book about ministry that i'm reading) and one that isn't. all the more reason to build up good relations with people at school who may later come to Christ. darn. no slacking for me.
on another note, i know it says to not test the Lord our God (heck, Jesus quoted it himself), but i'm going to propose a challenge to Him - an idea that just popped into my mind - and that challenge is this: "If God brings someone to ask me about my faith through my life at school, I will readily take any step of faith He so reveals to me." seems like a reasonable request. simple, perfectly feasible, right? whether God will play along is another story. i don't know whether it is wise of me to propose such a wager, but i think it will be a good incentive (apart from the obvious one - be holy since He is holy - that i seem to be neglecting) to live like Christ. this is going to be one Hell of an experiment. of course, this means i now must live out and be a proper testimony to the ones at my school. that's frightening, without even considering what He might ask me to do if this wager goes through.
i mean, if my God can (and i see that He can and has) turn lumpy clay into beautiful pottery, then technically, i have the potential to make a difference to the people around me, right? well so far i've yet to see physical embodiments of such a claim, even though i know He's doing something in there. so actually, God just gave me a test i think, out of nowhere.
"If you, a n00b, choose to keep your head up, eyes on Me when everything around you says otherwise while relying on My strength, I'll make something ging out of you."
- paraphrased from the voice inside
i'm surprised that God would listen to our prayers, much less talk to us humans. i'm someone who has betrayed Him, set His temple aflame, torn down His creation, cursed at His name, and waged all out war on all that He is more times than can be counted. how great is His mercy, that He would readily pour His wrath out upon Himself rather than upon us frail humans even after all that. if you think about it, we're testing Him everyday. we're testing His love, seeing just how deep it goes, just how many "multitudes of sin" it will cover. luckily for us, God's love is eternal and infinite, and only through His enduring compassion and sympathy for our weakness can we ever hope to become anything good and honourable to Him. i think i get it, how God can possibly not be angry at me, because He gets it. He knows that i'm just human, and so He doesn't hold it against me, given that i repent and confess my sins and therefore, weakness. we're all wussies. the sooner we get that through our heads (i.e. humble ourselves), the sooner we'll start living strong. haha, live strong.
i think i am now done this random spiel of today.

info @ the P.Pole 08.29.05

if you don't know this already, i tend to get bored very easily. and in my boredom i do some pretty weird things (i certainly hope they're weird to you anyway, 'cause i think they're downright ridiculous).

5 things i do when i get bored:

• i read
• when i get bored of reading, i write
• i watch television, even though most of the time television furthers my boredom
• i change and tweak my blog's appearance
• i make super-mini-drawstring bags that no one / nothing other than a plush toy could wear

Click here for a picture of my sister's Barney plush sporting a hip new bag. What a gangster, that Barney.
Click here to view Barney from behind; evidently, he is quite brand conscious.

strike a nerve, watch it burn

so today Art's talk was about / relating to Blogging, something which slowly integrated itself into my daily routines... what can i say, it's beneficial. it's therapeutic in some ways, and a creative way to vent all these thoughts and the energy i've got while i'm still young and caffeinated. but there is something i didn't quite agree with in Art's message, and that's about the "deepest, darkest" thoughts of his. i mean, for me, most / all of my personal life is posted here or at least mentioned. what's the big deal? i mean, if you keep everything inside, that can't possibly be healthy so why not share that stuff with the world (i.e. my few, but very much treasured readers who happen to be my friends)? i think it's fine. it's good way to get these thoughts (especially the dark, creepy ones) outside of me instead of inside, where they can mess with my mind and whatnot. it relieves stress to write about it and get feed back (most of the time). and you know, being the wuss i am, it helps me get the message across without actually having to confront others directly...
speaking of confrontations, i just had a little argument / discussion with a friend from last year (though, i doubt we will be friends any longer). i wonder whether God will spare me or let me slide back into relapse again when September rolls around... i certainly hope i won't fall back in line, but i'll help regardless of what i make it look like. she was a bad influence on me anyway (she was quite distracting, back when i was stupid so don't worry, you). i best avoid her.
anyway, back to the subject. we sort of fell into a discussion of whether the end justifies whatever means an individual takes to achieve it. our topic was whether i was right to lose respect for artists who use drugs. i was firmly opposed to such a notion (and i believe i am right) because it's not really creative art if you need a couple hits of LSD - hey look, a Beatle... - to write something "inspired". i even went as far as to say that such thinking - "i love the music and i don't care what they had to do to make it" were her almost exact words - is parallel to that of the ruthless. my example: war. say you need to take out one man. you could risk (and most likely lose a few of) the lives of your own countrymen and send in troops to take him down, or you could just bomb the Hell out of the entire city block. both are feasible, both have adverse effects (either you lose your own men, or a blockful of innocent - but estrange to you - people meet their Creator). by her type of thinking, it wouldn't really matter which way, as long as the one man is taken down. so then all of a sudden the bomb is an actual option, which to me is a disgusting and blood thirsty way to do things. after i had her cornered, she goes and dismisses me as annoying. way to go and lose my respect.
i guess i must be doing something right, though, if i'm bugging someone by challenging their ideals... right? someone tell me i didn't just piss someone off for nothing.

EDIT: i personally don't really care whether people read my blog or not (i like it when people give me feedback and comment though) and at the same time, i don't consider what i write about - which ranges from excessively general to almost personal - to be my "deepest darkest" thoughts, even though i've strayed close. i only bust out the good stuff in actual conversations. that's according to my own judgement by the way, so what you consider intimate may not / probably isn't what i would call truly intimate. that was for tim.
and to herm, well i guess it's not so much as lose a friend over such a small thing (as we were drifting anyway) but she was the one to end the discussion, and on quite an ugly note too... it's just, now that i look back and think about it, our relationship wasn't exactly doing anyone any good. that's more of why i think it better to not hang around people like that... "a company is only as good as the people it keeps."

when i write a song for Her...

i bet it'll be sappy and cheesy, but for now, Fall Out Boy will do.

Drink down that Gin and Kerosene
and come spit on bridges with me
just to keep us warm.
Light a match to leave me be.

I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine.
And if you say this makes you happy,
then I'm not the only one lying.

Keep quiet, nothing comes as easy as you.
Can I lay in your bed all day?
I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake.
The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day.

And I keep my jealousy close, 'cause it's all mine.
And if you say this makes you happy,
then I'm not the only one lying.

Drink down that Gin and Kerosene
and come spit on bridges with me
just to keep us warm.
Light a match to leave me be.

So wear me like a locket around your throat.
I'll weigh you down. I'll watch you choke.
You look so good in blue.

Keep quiet, nothing comes as easy as you.
Can I lay in your bed all day?
You look so good in blue.

So wear me like a locket around your throat.
I'll weigh you down. I'll watch you choke.
You look so good in blue.

- Fall Out Boy, Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

there's actually not a lot of relevance to us in this song BUT i just like it... so actually there's a hint of relevance: i like it and i like you. obviously not in the same way, but i digress.

to further my personal exile...

i can now block out the world with help from Panasonic.

as mentioned in the comment section of a previous post here on the P.Pole (to read "Go GO Gadjets and Gizmos" click here), i've been taking some long, wanton looks at different audio apparatuses (namely, earphones / buds, and / or headphones) and i settled comfortably on Panasonic's RPHJE50S Earbuds with high hopes. luckily for me, i was not disappointed when my dad surprised me last night by - as you may have already surmised - pulling out the fancy little package, the contents of which were obviously the aforementioned earbuds.
these are Noise Isolation earbuds, meaning that they eliminate external noises (that would otherwise intrude on one's listening enjoyment) in a passive manner. that means instead of receiving, inverting and playing back external disruptions (i.e. using Active Noise Cancellation), it simply blocks it out, thereby stopping the noise in a more simple, yet just as effective (and much less cumbersome) way. they came with three different pairs of tips: large, medium and small. these tips go directly into your ear, past where normal earphones would rest (and way past where any self-respecting headphones would reside) and literally into your ear. that might sound very uncomfortable (and it may be if it weren't for the varying sizes) but the super-soft rubber is quite gentle on my delicate ears, after i found the right fit. being the tiny asian that i am (O.o), i settled on the small pair which fit me perfectly, forming a perfect seal in my ear yet not difficult to put in place or painful to wear for extended durations of time. excellent.
the noise reduction functionality of these earbuds is amazing. with it, i never had to turn up the volume of my mp3 player (which obviously has limited playing time per battery - even more so with the volume jacked up) even in the loudest of surroundings (i.e. Dai Chune, the restaurant place at the Dynasty Center). i decided that my mother's warnings of going deaf were starting to come true when i would hear ringing sometimes after long periods of listening to loud music so i decided there must a smarter way to solve this problem. i'd say the earbuds, with a good fit, can reduce about... 80 - 90% of outside noises just by putting them on. play some music at even a low volume setting and the rest of world disappears into unperturbed music. lovely.
about music, well let's discuss (or rather, i will give my opinion and you will accept it or leave) the matter of sound quality from these earbuds. well, first off, i'd like to establish the fact that i do not claim to be or have the abilities of audiophiles. for you not so in the know about geek talk, audiophiles are well... think of it like this: pedophiles are people who take a "special" almost sick (actually, always) sick interesting in children. the prefix "pedo-" means "to do with children", similar to "pedia-" in pediatrician (which is a children's doctor). now, what does that leave? the suffix "-phile" which is the "special/sick[ening] interest" in specific things (in our case, "audio-", meaning "to do with sound"). basically, i made you read all that to come to the conclusion that an audiophile is someone obsessed with sound (quality) and these individuals have immensely sensitive ears that can pick out even the tiniest of sounds. i'm not one of those, but i do think that i've got - if not hypersensitive then - somewhat picky ears. i like my music clear and crisp. i don't need to hear static or distortions where there should be none. these new earbuds provide just that, clean, crisp, very clear, almost transparent sound. no muckiness, no fuzzy static, just music. wow! just like the reviews all said!
these earbuds came with: an extension cable (since the earbud's wire was designed for players to be put inside say, breast pockets) if you need the extra length, the previously mentioned sets of customizable tips, and quite a cool little pouch for storage of the earbuds. are there any adverse effects of these earbuds, you ask? well for one thing, you will most likely miss out on directions given in class (i tend to listen to my mp3 during class whilst i work or while the teach blabs on about irrelevance / redundancies) and you might become addicted to the silence and quiet that is found only when isolating yourself from the outside world.

Scores:
here's my A to F scoring system. obviously, these are factual, not opinion-based scores >_O

Appearance: 10 - For the sleek, silver, modern look that's easy on the eyes plus the super cool and almost cute carrying case.
Buy/Don't buy: Buy, if you're somewhat serious about music, easily disturbed / annoyed by outside noises (like talking mouths or bus engines), and are not willing to shell out too much.
Cost: 9.5 - weighing in at approx. $50 CDN including taxes, i'd say it's actually a very economical choice compared to some of Sony's earbud models which are either overpriced (clocking in at around, say... a couple hundred), or equal in price, but all supposedly, worse in sound quality than these. anyway, Sony's overrated.
Durability: ? - i have yet to have owned them long enough to know how durable they are but i'm sure i'm not going to purposely / extensively test this category...
Ergonomic Value: 8.5 - these earbuds are obviously very light (unlike some of those enormous and bulky headphones out there for true audiophiles) and mostly comfortable, but they are a bit awkward at first; afterall, they do go IN your ear, which may even leave you with some discomfort after taking them out... they did for me. however, i got accustomed to the sensation relatively quickly and easily.
Final: 9.5 - they are excellent earbuds and serve their purposes very well, but are somewhat tricky to get used to at first.

not here with me

even more lyrics...

It was in the lobby when I set my sights on you.
Should've kissed you in the elevator,
but I was too scared to.
It was in the morning when I made up my mind:
I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time.

Do I have to spell it out to you
or scream it in your face?
Oh, the chemistry between us could destroy this place.
Do I have to spell it out for you
or whisper in your ear?
Oh, just stop right there,
I think that we've got something here.

We were all alone when I finally made a pass at you.
It didn't work, and no it never does,
but you know how I do.
We were on the phone when I made up my mind:
I want you staple-gunned right to my side all of the time.

Do I have to spell it out to you
or scream it in your face?
Oh, the chemistry between us could destroy this place.
Do I have to spell it out for you
or whisper in your ear?
Oh, just stop right there,
I think that we've got something here.

- The Spill Canvas, Staplegunned

Great minds think alike but simple minds seldom differ.

Oh Lord
I know not what to do
There is one who’se beauty
Is surpassed only by you
Whose sweet voice brings peace
Whose touch brings warmth
Whose smile brings joy
One who is among your greatest of masterpieces
One who takes my breath away
With just a glance
God, I care for her so much
More than any other apart from you
I desire to protect her
To show her
That she is more beautiful
Than the imagination could ever dream of
Yet God she does not feel the same
Or understand how much I care
How I refuse to use the word love
Only because I am unsure
Of the true meaning of that word
If it means the willingness to give your life
To suffer in agony
To endure the worst
Just for one smile
Then Love is not a strong enough word
To express even part of my feelings
So Lord I ask your will would be done in this
On Lord
I maintain my promise though
That until or unless you tell me otherwise
I will wait for her
No matter what
So Lord help me to follow you
No matter the cost
And Guide me in your truth
Lord I plead please bless your creation
Who has captured the whole of my heart
In such amazing and gracious ways I ask
In Jesus name

Amen

i think that that prayer/poem is so relevant, it's not even funny. it's actually kinda creepy. i'm not the only extravagantly emo person who cares for a "her" on this planet after all. as Andy Hunter said, here's "to life, to love."

All is fair in love as in war.

Stand, stand up, stand up. Salute Him as your king,
The Lord who reigns over heaven and over earth.
Yeah, you can't ignore it. Why, it's in your head.
Now, you can't forget it. Why, it's all been said.
Pushing, it's coming. Rising, laughing in my face.
My head is spinning. Lord help me please.
I need you now. Come into my life.
The time stops. It rises. Now is your time.
He suffered for your sins. He'll suffer again.
He suffered. He suffered.
Now I feel it racing in my mind.
Stop it. You can't take this inside.
Why do you run and hide?
His blood it flows freely from His hands tonight.
Take it or leave it. True love is hard to find.

- Mortal Treason, War Within.

again i chose to mess it up, just when i thought i finally got it right. i hate this. i hate it a lot. i do disgust myself, i would disgust you (if you knew), and i probably disgust God (because He knows). holy Hell, i'm going to burn. just for the record, i'm a - close to 'muck' - up and a - close to 'skit' - sucker. go figures.

The death of the Omega pilots the War Machine.
We shall destroy the earth.
Rebuild it.
None shall inherit it.
Blood turned into fire,
Made to drink like wine.
Pile up the countless corpses and on them we shall dine.

We praise you, War Machine.
You've come to set us free.
Run us through Your jaws.
Carry us off in Your claws.

Cut away body from soul.
A slave freed from his master,
Closing the spirit's eye to embrace this earthly tie.

666, the number of man brought upon by man.

The earth, it shall burn bright tonight in our eyes.
Great is the War Machine.
The earth, it shall burn right into our eye on this very night.
Great is the War Machine.
Praise the war machine.
Burn tonight.

- Zao, Praise the War Machine.

EDIT: God sure doesn't procrastinate when we cry out to Him... don't get me wrong, i'm still quite a sad mockery of what a creation of God should be but He tells me i'm just a "work in progress"... that i've yet to ripen.
i tend to take things to the extremes. look at guilt for instance. i either shrug it off (rarely) or i hold it and keep it, creating loads of pent up rage and depression. guilt is technically good when you think of what it means if you are without guilt - i.e. you don't have the Holy Spirit in you, and hence, no urge to repent. at the same time, it can simply cause one to lose hope and thus, spiral into despondency...

phobias to do with me

Anuptaphobia: Fear of staying single.
Asthenophobia: Fear of weakness.
Atelophobia: Fear of imperfection.
Atychiphobia: Fear of failure.
Autophobia (also see Eremophobia): Fear of being alone - quite.
Cenophobia: Fear of empty spaces - i know of two spaces right now: one that only God can fill and one where you go.
Cleptophobia (or Kleptophobia): Fear of thieves or loss through thievery - i'm scared someone will steal your heart...
Decidophobia: Fear of making decisions - that sounds like us.
Dikephobia: Fear of justice - i think we would/should all have this one if it weren't for Jesus, so there.
Eleutherophobia: Fear of freedom - "i wouldn't want to go messing anything up."
Enosiophobia: Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin - well sometimes... but then that's like doubting Jesus' power so no, i think i shall kick this phobia.
Eremophobia: Fear of lonliness - what can i say? i'm scared.
Hadeophobia (also Stygiophobia): Fear of hell - more like "Fear of lack of Heaven".
Hamartophobia (also Peccatophobia): Fear of sinning - Hell yes, pun intended.
Homophobia: Fear of sameness, monotony. Fear of homosexuality - not really fear, more of distrustfulness towards and general distaste for all things homosexual in nature.
Kakorrhaphiophobia: Fear of failure or defeat - that's got my name all over it.
Lygophobia: Fear of darkness - inside and around me, the world is full of it.
Lyssophobia: Fear of becoming insane - do crazy people know that they're crazy?
Mastigophobia (also Poinephobia): Fear of punishment - comes with fearing Hell.
Misanthropy: Hatred of mankind; pessimistic distrust of human nature expressed in thought and behaviour - that's me sometimes i guess, but hate is too severe a word.
Necrophobia: Fear of death - not in light of God's promise, so no.
Paralipophobia: Fear of responsibility - that's the kid in all of us.
Philophobia: Fear of falling in love or being in love - are you philophobic? i'm not if you're not.
Polyphobia: Fear of many things - haha, just look at the list.
Psychophobia: Fear of the mind - it can play tricks on you, lie to you, destroy and eat at you if you let it.
Pyrophobia: Fear of fire - seeing as how i play with fire and/or lighters, i'm actually a bit of a pyromaniac.
Satanophobia: Fear of Satan - totally rational yet silly at the same time, knowing that Jesus totally PWN'd Satan to the power of ∞...
Thaasophobia: Fear of being idle - an overpassive attitude leads to stagnation, stagnation to rot and decay.
Zelophobia: Fear of jealousy - speaking of, what do you think makes someone jealous?
i wonder...

Notable mention:
Crystallophobia: Fear of crystal[s] - how?

i'm sad and lonely, everyone's gone somewhere to do something and whatever and i'm the one left with nothing to do. i really do have autophobia!

strugglefications

so i look around and i've come to something close to closure on this topic. i'm thinking that either everyone else has gone through what i'm going through and now have everything together, or they are very good actors/actresses, or they never encounter these problems and stuggles, or yet, that they ignore it and go on with their live (so in a sense, complacency).
i don't know about you but it seems like i'm constantly fighting a war. on sin yet sometimes against God and most of the time against myself. maybe this is the price of Christianity, of being "in the know", that you'll be constantly immersed in struggles and conflicts - most of which are against your very nature. what a toughie. and i've got to say, i'm more than a little tired. tired of having to choose, the same choices, the wrong choices again and again. and then comes the self-pummelling and then the depressive moods. then comes regret and guilt that won't let me sleep. then comes the return to God, beaten to a bloody pulp. He takes me and makes me whole again. then it starts all over again.
old habits die hard holding on. ZOMGWTFunk. sometimes, i see other people and think, "How come they don't go through this? How come God gave me this conscience? Without it, I might just be happier." then i realize the horrible flaw in that type of thinking, because if you're happy and content with yourself here, then basically you're deeming yourself perfect and thus, without need of God. i can say that, but i can't seem to wrap my head around the idea of us being in constant dependence on God. but that's the beauty of it all, isn't it?
it's not even whether He will forgive me again (to the power of infinity) but it's a matter of whether i'm actually willing to let go of the Peter Pan Complex that limits my growth... giving up is easy. too easy. isn't it?

Heedless, the long and sleepless nights,
Pillow soaked with tears, from another losing-fight.
Pointless, the bitterness she holds,
Coming back to haunt her, from a past that's dead and cold.
What about the life?
What about the Light?

Hopeless, is how she says she feels.
She drinks a glass of water and she swallows another pill.
Useless, just like your memories.
They captivate her thoughts, till the past is all she can see.
She wants to run away.
She needs to get away.

It's time to get away,
Cross the canyon of your dreams,
Burn the bridge of unbelief.
We can get away.
By the power of His name,
He will set your past aflame.

It's time to let down your bridges.
Let down your bridges.

- Iconoclast, Bridges

info @ the P.Pole 08.22.05

before i get to the list, which should be pretty meaty today, i'll talk of how i came about these revelations. firstly, revelations are God inspired thoughts or ideas that come from listening to Him, in my books anyway.
here goes. let's start in the night before, where we had cellgroup (Moyee, Perry and i) and we stayed pretty late and so got home even later. for some reason, i couldn't sleep. either it was my thoughts or just that my heart felt a bit lonely. then i prayed that God would let me sleep by taking away my burdens. within minutes, i was down for the count. thanks.
woke up early the next morning (Sunday now), said my morning utterances to God, and then got prepped for AV duties that morning. threw on my Rusty tee and pants. headed out to wait for Perry's car, and that's when i looked over back towards the sun. it itself was covered by the other building but it reflected of yet another building so beautifully that it could light the first building's shadow. kinda like God and His kids.
fast forward to the afternoon, when everyone went to the .COM game (even some ZooCRU people - NOOOOOOOO!) anyway, i spent quite awhile talking with Adwin about this and that, mostly about music and these cool bands that only Ad would know about. hehe. at around 5, i got kicked off my computer and suddenly had an intense urge to read my Bible. did so. then i prayed and felt drowsy all of a sudden. never one to resist my instincts, i flipped over (as i was reading my Bible on my bed) and slammed on the covers. slept like a baby, if babies wake up at 9 pm wondering where they were and where everyone else was.
after about only 30 minutes of might - as - well - have - been - solitude, my parents and sister came back from dinner at grandma's, bringing tidings and gifts of peace (food). i ate it. then decided to watch some television before napping. 2 episodes of family guy and then... i blacked out a bit and don't remember. i know that i "came back" around 11:30 and realized that i should sleep. i went to my bed, tossed and turned, and decided to pray again. i think that's why God gave me that drop-dead nap i had: to pray my heart out afterwards at night.

5 revelations (okay, maybe not for you, but for me they were revelations of sorts) that God gave me:

• i think i am a little more sure of what i want to be when i grow up. i'm thinking God wants something of a hybrid between someone who talks and discusses with others about Him, thinks about Him, writes about Him, and loves the family He's given him. sounds fun but scary. and hard. but considering me, that sounds like just the thing for me. well whatever job/career He gives me, He's still the Boss. He's also the Human Resources Coordinator, Manager, Supervisor, and Assistant at the same time. yet i can't just kick back. God is funny like that.
  
• God doesn't want us to focus so much about Christ's death (and ultimately our own sins) nearly as much as He wants us to realize that yes, He died for us, but being God, He came back for us, Jesus was resurrected thereby defeating death. sometimes you've got to really think, what does that really mean and do i believe it? i damn well didn't before, being consumed with gried and guilt almost every waking moment of my life. i realized last night when God said, "Get over it." that it's not so much about His death but it's more about how His resurrection totally and completely kicks Satan in the mouth and defeats Death. even the Bible says that it's a sin to think that God likes guilt. in fact, He hates it. guilt is neither productive nor from God, meaning that it is from Satan. God can forgive anything since Jesus' death and resurrection make the perfect sacrifice for all of our sins. as soon as we stop hiding behind the wuss-canvas of self-condemnation and guilt, we can start to see, know, feel, and serve God "in spirit and in truth". go figures. so simple. overthinkers beware (me included).
• God is THE Ultimate Being - think of all the stuff He manages and does every single moment, the animals are His, the planets are His to control, the universe is spinning to His will, every life is in His control, and keeping that in mind, He has time - no, makes time - to be our Friend, Savior, King, Father, and Lover. how can we humans possibly feel like not falling to our knees in awe of Him? once again, feelings are useless and evil. more on this later.
  
• God is just dying (literally) to talk - actually, not just talk but to have fellowship - with us; He wants us to talk to Him, to tell Him, to rant and complain to Him, to praise and worship Him, to give thanks to Him, but at the same time, to listen to Him, to be consoled by Him, to accept correction from Him, to think and ponder about Him. and when you do do that (through devotionals + prayer + fellowship + meditation + tithing) then you'll feel like the most complete and whole that you've ever felt, knowing that God of Heaven and Earth and all the Universe put all His calls on hold to give you all the attention, affection, love, and care that you want, need and crave. all this in spite of our sins, screw ups, betrayals, and sometimes blatant rebellions against Him. that is God.
  
• feelings are from the devil. think about it, if God is eternal, His gifts are eternal. feelings last for the moment, and are mostly futile in the long run. you might say "Hey! God gives us the good emotions! Those are good and therefore, from God! I win." but i say that those aren't emotions. things like Joy, Peace, Hope, Faith, and especially Love are not feelings. notice how in the Bible it says stuff like (note: italicized by me) "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ..." (Romans 5:1 NIV) or "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." (1 Cor 13:2). do you see it? those things that are gifts from God are had, not felt. therefore i am inclined to think emotions are nothing more than say, the weather. they can enhance or diminish a day, but you would never, you know, base life decisions or whatnot on them since they come and go, and mostly cycle. the Fruits of the Spirit (because that is what these things are) are gifts from God, and very tangible when considering what should be our natural, consequential actions when we are blessed with those things. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Gal 5:22-23). feelings just got ownzorz'd by fruits.

all this and some... more intimate things came to me after a prayer of about... well i went to sleep right after, at around 12:45 so... long time (estimated at 1 hour and 15 minutes). i know it's not about quantity but quality, but i think sometimes it takes that long for you to calm down and really get in touch with Him, since we build these huge walls around our hearts. and we all know that quantity AND quality go well together.
i must say, near the end all i could do was say those three beautiful, yet mostly wrongly used, words to God. (you know that they are also true for you deep in your heart, so don't make me spell it out for you O_v)

also note: the title is a link to a visual rendition of what my head was like this morning.

super happy fun-time lovelorn stationary.

what the - ? those crazy Asians... *shakes head* this is a recount of most of my Friday.

well Friday was fun, although a bit disappointing since Crystal was still sick.
i woke up at 8 in the morning, eager to get cracking on my daily reading of indefinite amounts of t3h Bible-zorz. after about a good 15 minutes of reading and another 15 of prayer, i sat a bit bored. i realized that today was Friday and that meant that the three of us - actually just them two (Moyee and her), plus me after i asked Moyee's parents - were gonna hang out.
i actually gamed a bit before, being somewhat shy, i decided to call first, not knowing whether Crystal was there yet. luckily she was, and so i headed over to cheelacks. -passed security guard: 1 time(s)- they were computering away and i didn't want to impose, so i started flipping the tele. what we did was mostly sit and laugh at people (mainly Crystal, but a bit of Moyee too). awesome. then Moyee wanted to MSN and Rex came on. hehe, funny how Crystal reacted when Rex turned on his webcam. hehe, for some reason *looks around* made me feel all warm and fuzzy, hearing those words:
"Eww! I don't want to look at Rex!" how very "fanny". i went back to my place to grab my CDs, -passed security guard: 2 time(s)- walked halfway back -passed security guard: 3 time(s)- and remembered that i forgot the milk (since Moyee's milk was queer in flavour). -passed security guard: 4 time(s)- and then went back up to Moyee's, finally. -passed security guard: 5 time(s)-
anyway, we played some Simpson's Uno later and i suggested we play countdown style. Moyee finished first because of her insane Uno luck. here's how it all stacked up. i was on my fifth-last draw, Crystal was on her second-last when Moyee finished. well, short story short, i came back with some insane plays and finished before Crystal. winzorz.
moving on, the ladies made cookies (i just keep winning!), of which i gobbled many. very tasty. and by many i mean like, 15. anyway, then the lights were flickering, just a bit at first. we paid it no attention. we sat and talked a bit and then decided to go down and play some pool. -passed security guard: 6 time(s)- that was fun. Moyee and i played 3 games, of which she won... none. we bugged Crystal to play, but she was out of it so we sat in the hallway chatting while receiving some dirty looks from the security guard and the cleaning lady. i swear, they're in cahoots.
we went back up to Moyee's -passed security guard: 7 time(s)- and sat more and talked. Moyee pulled out her box/tin of "Sky Flakes" (i.e. soda crackers - no racial inferences intended) and started eating away. i decided to try and eat one without chewing, letting the enzymes in my saliva to finally pull their own weight without my molars. the girls followed suit, and Moyee proved herself to have quite a dexterous tongue while Crystal half-choked on her crackers... excellent.
next, the power went out completely so that meant no more crappy television programming for Moyee and so we just sat and listened to my MP3 player, and we as in Crystal and i. sorry Moyee, maybe when they design 3 pronged earphones for the circus employees. well anyway, after that we went down and walked to the bus stop (this was around 4:50, estimated). twas raining a bit and so we ran a little, but we weren't soaked. got on the bus, got off at sheppard. crossed the road and boarded another bus. lucky us, no waiting. bus ride was mostly plain, we all kept to ourselves and i got time to think and think and think. when we neared meadowvale, i looked outside and realized that it was raining like Heaven's fireangelshad missed the mark. we got off and this time, for some odd reason, we walked. strolled even, in the pouring rain. the girls had hoodies, shorts and running shoes, i had the Coffeehouse tee and shorts. and SANDALS. splashing ensued as i trudged on the road beside the curb, soaking my shorts that were almost dry. then we got to church.
i ate downstairs while the others did their own things; Crystal was writing her testimony / sharing thing and Moyee was drumming away. then came the wanky feelings. something unidentifyable but unmistakably there. so, i decided to go out onto the blacony thing and just try to ignore / sort out / recognize them. no real progress with any of those, and then Crystal came out and we just talked a bit. elation. ha, then Herm and Sherm got there. like the awesome cousin that he is, Sherman comes up and leans on the two of us, talking, burping and the like. thumbs up! Crystal departed from our presence shortly thereafter. *shrug* i left too, but not before jamming the MP3 jukebox / recorder into my pants (pockets, guys. sheesh). nevertheless, the rest of my night was somewhat uneventful, except my discussion with Moyee later that night. thumbs up to Moyee.

after careful consideration

i'm able to come up with a list of things that i find true about myself.

i'm one to sacrifice most things for efficiency. - i can readily give up tradition or other such wastes of energy, time, and money for efficiency. call it what you will, i call it practicality.

if i'm closed, i'm closed. - there's nothing that most people can do (lest you are deemed "l33t" in my mind) to provoke me to emotional showings against my will.

if i open up, i burst the seams. - there's nothing that most people can do (lest you are deemed "n00b" in my mind) to stop my momentum once you get me to open up to you. depends on your tastes, really.

leave it to my mind to pervert and convolute the unknown. - if you don't clarify with me, i tend to think what i would love to believe. if you never say anything, i tend to assume what i want, and then i blame you for smashing my hopes and dreams based on your own silence. constant communication is needed to tend to my psychotic little sicko of a mind. go figures.

i'm a martyr. - sometimes i feel like some things "hurts so good". creepy huh? it's not like i'm some sort of kinky weirdo BUT self-pity and other such foolishness like that is what i've grown to fall into easily. tough habit to kick. you can always try though.

i enjoy wasabi > soya sauce. - does this really need an explanation? i say the literal and metaphorical meanings are pretty obvious.

when i see, i see very well. when i'm blind, i'm totally in the dark. - it's true. i'm childish and stupid so i take things to the extremes (if you haven't noticed from all these entries so far). it's a habit i need to kick. "he who fears the Lord says 'hey, go die!' to extremities." paraphrased from Proverbs. =_._=

my mask is independence. - bust it.

i'm pretty selfish. - sometimes i ask of others what i myself don't always give. i go off into the corners to be alone, when all i want is someone to come be with me.

when i think short-term, i think SHORT-term. - that is, sometimes i find myself wallowing in hopelessness because i can't see past the clouds. you know, the sun is always up (during the daytime anyway - then again, it's always up somewhere...), it just depends on whether you've got X-Ray vision to see past the clouds or big enough mirrors. sadly, i seem to have been lacking both without you.

when i think ahead, i think ahead big time. - that means when people are looking for a quickie, i'm looking for a companion. when people are looking for a companion, i'm looking for a wife. when others are looking for a wife, i'm looking for a life with a soul mate. *shrug*

that's it so far.

Tell me, how should i feel?

Feelings are stupid. They don't always make sense, and they sometimes aren't even traceable. Like all these in this area right now. *points to chest*
I guess I had somewhat distorted ideas about our progress but I don't think you can blame me. Call it a lack of coordination between your actions and actual state, call it miscommunication, but I was led to believe in something more. Silly me, Trix are for kids.
Not that I hold it against you, you've always been indecisive like that. It's a quirk. But the thing I do have a problem with is me, since I have no idea how to feel - no, how to be. There're my natural urges that whisper to throw a hissy fit of frustration or to hide away and brood like the vermin that I am. Then there's what the comparatively mature part of me says: to talk it out with either you or anyone unfortunate enough to ask "What's wrong?". The problem with that is that I'd rather not open to anyone... not just anyone, if you know what I mean.
And then there's what God is saying about this; I do believe He's saying that I need Him (of course), but at the same time, you as well, to help me flesh out my own being and grow up. That's what I got from 30 minutes of prayer so I'm hoping it's legit and not just more whisperings from the Other One. Whether He's got more planned, is up for grabs. I surely hope so. In the words of Ivanka, "Yeah I want her to be the one." But it's for Him to say, and no one else. I should just wait for the green light, but we all know how hard that is. We should talk.

all hail the heartbreaker

i had the notion that you'd make me change my ways,
my bad habits would be gone in a matter of days.
i had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
to a whole new world that had since been in disguise.

but that day will most likely never come for me, *1*
and it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
to everything you are.

so tonight i'll sit and pick apart your pictures
and overanalyze your words.
but the truth is that i've never fallen so hard.
it's taking everything in me
just to forget your sweater so far. *2*

i had the notion that you'd make me forget the world.
but your undecisive mind shows me that
you are "just another girl". *3*
i had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real.
what if i ripped your heart apart at the seams? *4*
maybe then you'd know how i feel.

but that day will most likely never come for me,
and it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
to everything you are.

so tonight i'll sit and pick apart your pictures
and overanalyze your words.
but the truth is that i've never fallen so hard.
it's taking everything in me
just to forget your sweater so far.

i can honestly say
that i never, ever, ever felt this way. (!)
your lips, your eyelashes, your skin:
these are the parts of your body
that cause my comatose to begin.

i will sleep another day.
i don't really need to anyway.
what's the point when my dreams are infected
with words you used to say?
i will breathe in a moment
as long as i keep my distance.
i wouldn't want to go messing anything up.

so don't go worrying about me.
it's not like I think about you constantly... *5*
so maybe i do, but that shouldn't affect
your life anymore.
i knew it the moment you walked into the door.

i'll let you get the best of me
because there's nothing else that i do well.
i'll let you get the best of me
because there's nothing else that i do well.
i'll be the giver and you'll be the taker. *6*
i guess that's how this one's gonna go: i'll be the giver and you'll be the taker.
you've got me down on my knees and i proclaim,
"All hail the heartbreaker." *7*

*1* who knows?
*2* i hope i'll never have to do so.
*3* i never thought that once.
*4* i promise never to do so.
*5* - places finger to lips.
*6* that's fine by me. - brushes dust from eye
*7* yeah you do, you do it well.

time for some lyrics.

hold her in your right hand.
and guide her safely home.
brush away all the thorns.
find all the stones.
you're my angel without wings.
when i was crying you never left my side.
when i was dying you never left my side.
you're always there for me.
you're my angel without wings.
you were always without wings.
without wings.

-from what you've read, "Angel Without Wings" might seem like a pretty little love song from me to you, then you find out that it's by Zao; now you know it's pretty.

silent alarm

it's funny how seemingly "random thoughts" (which i sometimes attribute to God) can have so much meaning behind if you look. that's the way the mind works sometimes: something so complex - that you probably couldn't even begin to think up consciously - can lie just under the surface.

on another note, there has been yet another fire alarm here at my condo. seems someone is quite trigger happy. that's twice in just this morning and at least 5 times since monday. what's wrong with those people? i seriously hope it's not some sort of prank. apparently it cost my school $300 per fire alarm pull, back near the end of the year when some people thought it would be funny to pull the alarm halfway through second period 4 times in one week. inconvenient.
i think about what my building must look like on the outside. i mean, the alarm's in here, and inside the building, it's loud and frenzied. for some other people maybe. for me it's just bloody irritating, because i know it's probably another jumpy chinese woman who pulled it out of panic or someone with horrendous cooking skills. but i think for everyone else outside, onlookers, they see nothing more than the normal, shiny, whitewashed walls of the condo and its green roof.
i think that's what people nowadays, especially us Christians, are resembling. clean and shiny on the outside, alarming on the inside.

EDIT: 3 times since this morning, 6 times this week so far.

tight rope walking.

so i'm caught on a fence and i'm not sure which way to go. well, i know which side to choose but i doubt that i'm ready for the repercussions. the thing is, is it alright to give "advice" in a harsh manner if say, the recipient isn't willing to take it in a gentler format? and should i be correcting in the first place if i'm guilty of the same things, as i'm sure most of us are. the rest who aren't are in denial.
there are people out there who are awesome, humble, kind, and accepting people. then there are the others, who enjoy puffing chests and lording credentials over others. i think i can honestly say that i (at least hope that i) am not one of the latter, but that's for God to judge. but what happens is i get frustrated and quite irritated with people who act like superior jerk-wad-monkey-doodles. i wish i could let my tongue loose (or rather, fingers and wording), but it's been quite a struggle to keep it under control - and i haven't got it down completely yet - but at least i refuse to give Satan food and wine in this moment.
back to the matter. i'm walking a fine line. between standing up for what i believe to be the correct interpretation of the Bible (based on my personal knowledge and that which has been passed on to me through sermons and pastors) and being the generic, "nice" Christian. i mean, aren't there some things that you just cannot tolerate as a Christian (ex: when someone excludes someone from say... worshipping simply on the grounds of a lack of talent?!)? i think this calls for a bit of cursing. but i shan't. there's enough evil and darkness in me without the extra icing on the cake. and this coming from a baptized Christian. i must say, regardless of who this complaint is coming from, you better damn well listen up.
now, i know, some of you more... idealistic or maybe even naive people out there may say, "But the Bible says not to judge. Do your homework!" you do your own damn homework. don't you dare take things written in the Bible out of context. if no one ever judged one another, no one could ever support each other in their personal struggles. accountability would cease to exist. there would never be any guidance and challenging words coming from any physical sources. that's neither healthy nor safe.
and then there's others who might say, "Well, read the analogy about the speck and the log. Clean yourself before you clean others." to that i have nothing more to say than this: there is a difference between much needed, constructive criticism and hypocrisy. i'm not lording it over anyone that i'm better than anyone. in fact, i'm willing to admit and propose that i may be one of the worst things to happen to Christianity since the Crusaders, but that doesn't mean i cannot give my opinion at the very least, especially when i intend well and (think that) i have based it on Christian doctrines that i've been taught since i was young.
self-importance seems to be the latest craze. it's hip to think that you're better than everyone else and the temptation to think that is further fed when you've got proofs in your past deeds and/or training. big whoop. tell me when you get courses on humility or Acceptance-101. not only to fix you, but i would benefit from those things too.
that and anger management. when people do things that would shame God while claiming to be Christians, i tend to feel more than just a little contemptible towards them. i would know, since i incur most of that hate normally. but that aside, it pisses me off even more when they do it while raised on a stage in His house, during a time of fellowship, claim that it was needed in order to serve God better, AND while standing right in front of the Cross where Jesus died - which is supposed to represent love and grace in their purest forms. sadly, this does not necessarily seem to rub off on the bystanders. what kind of an offering is that?! God doesn't want a gift that you offer from bloody hands, much less from a heart lacking love for others. if you love God you must love others. *raises hand* i know. i'm working on it too, but there are lines people.
i am truly stuck. simply because my faith tends to have some self-contradictions that my human mind just can't understand, such as how i shouldn't judge others when i'm imperfect, yet i will be held accountable for others' discrepancies on judgment Day if i don't speak up. then there's the whole being kind and loving and gentle, yet that tactic does not seem to be working wuite well. refusal to accept indirect insinuations is a tough one to fight. and then there's the whole "despises the vile man" yet loving your brothers in Christ. does loving someone mean protecting their feelings. hell no.

What does your birth month reveal about you?

this is what i got:

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional, temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying.

(robbed from cham's blog)

EDIT: i hope november's thingy includes something about getting well like, insanely fast, 'cause that's what Crystal's going to do. it's settled. sleep tight. nighty night.

info @ the P.Pole 08.15.05

5 things i now listen to:

• TFK - The Art of Breaking (owned by me)
• Pilate - Pilate (owned by me)
• U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb (owned by me)
• The White Stripes - Elephant & White Blood Cells (pwned by me)
  

on another completely irrelevant note (not quite), after a few discussions with Adwin and Moyee on the subject, i went through my music and permanently deleted (via my good friend shift + del) all my "received through MSN/illegally downloaded (i.e. WinMX/illegal sites) MP3's". and then i proceeded with hitting up purevolume.com and grassrootsmusic.com for a splurging of legal song downloading. now my speakers breathe relieved sighs as they play only clean music, and my ears send their most sincere thanks. click the title to see one of the two pictures i kept to remind me of how sneaky Satan is, and before you know it, you're over-run with sinful stuff. and that was just ONE of my folders.

NOTE: the only music folder i was glad to delete was my Relent K folder. that is because they blow. as Herman would say, they "blow big meaty chunks."

EDIT: i just deleted my VBA folder, the entire doohickey. and for those of you who don't know what that is, it's an (pretty much illegal) emulating program that lets you play illegally downloaded gameboy games. goodbye to my pokemon games and my riviera. well i know someone will be very happy now that i'm not "obsessed" with pokemon anymore. especially illegal pokemon. (>_O)
i expect pangs of regret very soon. too bad. PikaSATANchu can kick himself. in the nuts.
ouch.

the worst dream i've ever had.

i was playing in the park, and you were there. i jumped, not for the toy, but for joy. i asked you to play, you politely declined. puzzling. i asked if you wanted to talk, and you started to walk. following suit, i began my pursuit. we strode along in symmetry, but only for a few strides. you stopped, so i stopped. for the longest time i stared at you, wondering, yet all the while knowing what was coming. it seemed inevitable in my mind, and you proved me right. you drew a deep breath, and smiled: i panicked. i stepped back, blinking away the fears. you grasped my hands in yours and your lips, they parted and from them came a shining bolt of judgment. this shaft of perfect make was perfectly aimed. it seems you know all too well where my heart resides. ricocheting off of my breast, it found its mark deep in your heart.
you stared at me blankly, the most anguishing of all pains i felt there and then.
"it's over." my world was inverted and i could hold on to nothing. so i ran. i ran from you, at breakneck speed, hoping to trip and break my neck to be done with this now miserable existence. i had no such luck, as my legs stopped on there own accord. i turned to see you, right where you were, still holding my hand. you had already weakened your grasp but i couldn't bring myself to do it, to break what we had. in a burst of rage, i ran towards you. with all my force, i threw my full weight on you, but you stood strong. vomitting, you smiled. struck with the horror of sudden realization, i released my hold. i took a step back and you were still smiling that eerie, out-of-body smile.
"thank you. you've proven me right." with that you left. i could only stand and watch you leave. lovelorn and forlorn, i wept.** such a grief had only struck - yet still not in such intensity - when, in a past world, i had lost a close friend and mentor to death. sickened with myself, i slouched and fell to the ground, prostrate. i didn't mind the impact of my bones, flesh and tissue with the concrete path... not in light my inner pains. that crushed my innards into a pulp that reeled with agony and aching.

and then i woke up moaning, eyes still moist from what must have been tears in my sleep. i lay there, paralyzed. "what if it wasn't just a dream, but a vision?" my pillow was my shoulder to cry on. i later looked up at the clock through watery eyes; it was four in the morning. i got up and felt my way to the washroom, still shuddering.

seeing Red.

so today didn't turn out as fantastic as i had hoped. all it takes is one normally insignificant thing at the wrong time to throw me off. and leave it to emo-me to overthink and overreact. i felt the Red calling. the feeling that makes one's vision clouded, fogged and most definitely distorted. and i must say, it felt perfectly fitting, for the setting, for my state of mind, for me. and yet i know i'm being irrational and over... sensitive. and the sad thing is, this is me. this is where i'm from, what i fall into. sometimes, it feels easy, simple to drop back and succumb to desires. desire to be affectionate, to be hateful, to be selfish, to not give a damn about anyone else. see how easy that was? all too. blame moods. blame emotions. blame misunderstanding. blame miscommunication. blame you. blame me. blame God. been there, done that. neither is it fun nor is it productive.
this is the first flare up of Red since a long time ago, so long ago that i don't remember the last time. and man, did it come back with a vengeance. seclusion and brooding does nothing but fan the these black flames, and i nurture it, call it my own. why? because it's what i'm good at. these flares have grown less frequent as i've grown. sadly, that says nothing about intensity. if anything, i'd think this was the most subtle, and most disquieting experience that i've experienced. not ever, but close. not that i found it disquieting at the time, i actually enjoyed the peaks, in a sick sort of self-mutilating mentality. and it's not like i gave a damn at the time. sickening things, the thoughts and meditations of my mind were.
of course, now that it's died down a bit (thanks to my few good, fellow soldiers by my side), i realize the flawed thinking behind it all. i can only describe it as a sort of... "embrace that which hurts you". but that's the beauty and danger of the Red, it seems totally natural at the time. complete inebriation. sounds so ugly. hurts so good. my Green out there, wherever it is, might just compliment and counterbalance my Red. even so, i am too damned frustrated with myself for getting so bent out shape over illegitimate reasons and illegitimate reasoning to think straight, let alone leave myself vulnerable like that. i doubt it anyway.
somtimes i wonder, how could such an idiotic thing become so wrought with such anger? and where does Red come from? i think it started with when i asked the retarded question, "am i sure?" and from that doubt it took hold and before i knew it, i was brooding and seething like the extremist that i am. and apparently telling myself that i won't let it happen does not help. the Red manages to filter through. now i'm slipt between wishing this gap could be mended and picking up a shovel and helping it along. we'll see, won't we?

And leave it to me...

And just like that, it flickered and went out.
Simple, clean yet disgusting at the same time.
What have I done? I'm not a murderer!

And there he lay, still, quiet, silenced.
Collapsing to my knees, I felt a numbing.
It travelled from my fingers into my core.

And then I looked dumbly at my encrusted hands,
Drenched in blood that suffocated after drying.
I can't breathe. I've got to get out of here!

And that's when it hit me, no one was coming.
Good, actually. I must hide this bloody body!
I'll clean this up, and no one will know. Ever.

And then came the imprisonment, slowly at first.
All too consumed with my grief, I didn't notice,
Until it was too late, and I was trapped.

And so I'll stay, in my oddly comfortable prison.
No one will ever find the carcass if I stay here.
I'll be here to guard this secret forever.

And there I sat, embracing the so battered body.
A sense of elation came upon me without warning.
Everything was going to be okay. Good...

And then I looked out of my prison bars.
There were others just like me, sitting,
In our prisons, smiling with false teeth.

And then the cold hit me, unbearable, deathly.
I shuddered and shivered, I suddenly panicked.
I've got to get out of here or I'll die!

And then I noticed the markings on my palms.
These were identical symbols: black, sinful.
I knew right then what it was: a branded label.

And I rubbed at it, revealing new, equally charred flesh.
What the hell?! I scrubbed harder, now drawing new blood.
It looked like real blood, if blood flowed black.

And then I heard him growl, a rumbling utterance.
I looked up and he was prowling, he was enjoying.
Nice work, he said, applauding my corpse.

And that's when it came, a flash of brilliance.
Dazzled by the light, I stumbled back and fell.
Get away from him, I heard a voice command.

And so He came down to me, out of the sky.
As much as I longed, I could only look on.
For when He came, I was still imprisoned.

And just by His look, I knew what He had in mind.
But there was no way I could let Him, not for me.
I did this to myself, I've got to stick with it.

And He just replied, It's alright. Leave it to Me.
I stood at a loss for words, in His holy presence.
He lifted His finger and the metal bars gave away.

And He looked at the lifeless body, my dead body.
He grabbed it and put it on His strong shoulders.
He promptly stepped into my cell. You can't do that!

And He replied, I got it. as the bars closed again.
I could only look upon His loving, yet pained face,
A part of me died right there.

And that's when I felt Him, my hand in His.
I turned and saw my Hero, Savior beside me.
I couldn't believe it, so I looked back to my former cell.

And I saw nothing. Not a fragment, not a trace of it.
The chains, death and all. None of it remained there.
I looked back to Him to find Him beaming at me.

And all I could do was fall to my knees. I cried at His feet.
For what seemed like all too little time, all I did was weep,
At His feet, in His presence.

And then He reached down to my chin and lifted my eyes to His own.
Is this any way to rejoice? We've already wasted enough time here.
Let's get moving, we've got a lot to do.

And that was only the beginning.

Freed Into Captivity

Let's go!
Everybody needs to start their own fire.
Everybody needs a riot of their own.
Everybody needs to be something that they are not.
Everybody needs to go it alone.

Because...
Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't be what you want to be.
Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't see what you need to see.

Okay...
All the time spent hanging on to anything,
All the time spent knowing that they're wrong,
All the time wasted, stolen back, innocent,
You won't get a second more so move it along.

Because...
Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't be what you want to be.
Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't see what you need to see.

Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't be what you want to be.
Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't see what you need to see.

Wishing and hoping and thinking it's you,
That's got this all under control.
Never a minute has passed you all by,
When they haven’t invaded your soul.

It’s not something you can hold.
It’s not something you own.
It's not something you can buy or steal.
You've got it when you're alone.

Being free is a tragedy,
When you don't know yourself.
Being free is a tragedy,
When you don't know who you are.

Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't be what you want to be.
Living so free is a tragedy,
When you can't see what you need to see.

Let's go!
Hey, hey, hey!
Alright then,
This is the story of your life, man.

And in other places around the world, it's growing clear that the Americans are trigger happy.

Powerman 5000 - Free

aspirations

do you know what i want to do when i grow up? neither do i.
do you know what God wants me to do when i grow up? neither do i.
after devos this morning, i sat and prayed, wondering and hoping. God answers prayers, so i'm hoping to receive some sort of job invitation... anytime now. but seriously, i have no idea. well, i have inkling suspicions, but those could be nothing but my personal whims... i'm not sure. that's the problem with liking and being interested in lots of things. so i don't know, i've decided to make a To Do list. i've done this before, but how about another list? can never have enough "random".

before i die, i'd like to:

• get a doctorate in something. that means university, start off with the chinese basics.
• teach and school my son (or daughter, any daughter of mine will love gaming ) in his first video game. that means getting a stable job, then getting married, then having kids. yes, kids with an "s". more basics.
  
• writing (either professionally or just for my wife and kids, either way i'd be content). that means... buying pencils and pads... pads of PAPER. geez.
• give the "sex" talk to my son(s), and/or the "no boys because they are evil" talk to my daughter(s). i plan on tackling these parental obstacles with humor. hehe, i can imagine it now... i'll choose to do it when their friends are over for maximum embarassment, and make jokes at body parts... like Iain's dad... haha, oh man.
  
• go on some sort of romantic adventure. "we'll run away from this world forever, just you and i." go cliché. "cliché" is cliché.
• learn to curl. either hair or rocks. or both.
• retire and spend my days painting or sketching or reading or... yeah, gaming. wouldn't that be cool? nothing but chill.
  
• be in a band, a Christian amateurish band. time to go grab raf and ben, "apache" and "reflections of my life" time... oh and featuring adwin.
• learn a song on the dijeridoo. i'll play for my wife and make her... cry. one way or another
• become one of those old men in the park, doing tai chi, only i'll be brushing up on my... nin-jutsu. c'mon, everyone wants to be a ninja, don't deny it.
• go to a beach and erect a home made sign saying "Nude Beach", then run away. imagine the confusion and chaos. just imagine.
  
• become the world champ in... othello. or at least, beat all my friends and family in it. we all know that othello's where it's at.
  
• move somewhere tropical and learn to surf, and/or windsurf. and hopefully, get bitten by a tiger shark. imagine the scar! chicks dig scars... and surfers. see? it's simple really.
  
• write scripts for movies and/or plays. that would be cool, to have a story of mine being published/presented to the public.

after making this list, something has become more clear to me. i really don't know what i want to do. obviosuly, it's all up to Him, and whatever it is, i'm pretty content with submitting to Him. and i'm sure God's got something, like He said, but it's just the not really knowing that kinda erks me. then again, little kids shouldn't bother the plans of adults, like my mom says. maybe she's not so crazy after all. alright, time to wait.

info @ the P-Pole 08.08.05

oh man, HSC worship practice later today, six hours worth. let's hope we get stuff done without ripping each other to shreds. and i just know that we're going to play "Reflections Of My Life"...

5 things i thank God for:

• my redeemer, saviour and homie, Jesus Christ
• my friends and family
• my worldly blessings, living comfortably here in Canada for the moment
• my being here and not having been smitten down the (1-ad infinitum) very deserving times
• chinese girls (>_O)
  

submerging

so i decided to do some browsing of older posts on blogs and i came across a link on Ad's blog (listed at the side as "blogONE"), directing me to http://www.purevolume.com/thousandfootkrutch and so i decided to have a listen to the new tracks ("Art of Breaking" and "Absolute"). very tight. although the latter sounded somewhat more pop/punk-ish (kinda like a certain overplayed band out there, nods at Dave Douglas of the oh so loved Relient K). with that last comment, i think i'll be getting a lot of flaming on the comments for this post. but seriously, they may be good, but not when they're ALL you ever listen, you guys! yes, back to TFK (krutch not crotch, FYI). very good. i think i'll buy "The Art Of Breaking" if i get the chance.

while at purevolume, i checked out another one of Ad's recommendations, Demon Hunter. very awesome, even though i wasn't much of a metal fan. DH changed that. most people think of angry, unintelligible screaming when it comes to metal, and Demon Hunter doesn't disappoint on that front. but at the same time, the singing (actual singing), is also very well done too. rawr. Ad sure knows his music.

on another note, i came across a TFK board and was pretty shocked and/or appalled by the conduct of some of the people on that forum. i mean, yeah, i know not everyone there's Christian BUT it just so happened to be a self-proclaimed follower of Christ who said (during a debate/argument about beliefs and freedom of speech) something along the lines of "yeah, i swear. i have the right to. and i'm a hypocrite, and i'm proud. i don't give a ****" (*censored for your reading enjoyment). i just thought, "seriously, what is wrong with you. talk about representing..." and then i thought, "oh ****, i'm a hypocrite too." and so now i'm at somewhat of a loss... anyone want to help me figure this one out? sometimes it feels as if i'm stuck. on one hand, i need desperately to change. on the other, i'm afraid that if i go crawling back to my God and Saviour, that i'll screw up again, thereby cheapening His most precious grace. oh damnit.

EDIT: check this guy out, Stuart Briscar. so awesome. listen to/download "Stuck Up". do it.

bored?

i'm guessing so if you're reading a post entitled "bored?". anyway, i thought maybe you'd like to do something, and i've got a couple karl-brand suggestions. here we go.

1. fire. need i say anymore?
2. go on a blogging spree!
3. play RandomQuest. here's how you play. firstly, open up your preferred media file player (preferably not windows media player as it lags IMO). open up a playlist with a good amount of items on the list - try to keep items as music files, since movie files are larger and more cumbersome. next, make sure the "shuffle" or "random" option is on (i'm not sure if "repeat" should be on, i'm guessing no but i leave it on anyway). now, think of one song and click play. keep pressing the "next" icon (at a regulated rate proportional to your skill level) and TRY to stop on the song you were thinking of. note: the faster you click, the less your final time will be, given that you can stop. it's a trade-off. for your information, i am a Level (Inf) Grand Elder Super Happy Fun Time Master at this game. by the way, there is no going back if you miss it - you'll have to go around all over again. time yourself if you have another equally bored person to help you. also, the more songs on your playlist and the faster your computer's accessing of your files, the more challenging this game. note: this game requires a level 5 or higher of boredom and should not be played by people with lives.
   
4. learn to play the didjeridoo. you know that all the true badasses out there play "abidiginal" instruments. and we all know that badasses never get bored.
   
5. read. if you're not a n00b at this, try watching the tele at the same time.
6. sleep. if you're not a n00b at this, try walking at the same time.
7. go to a dollar store and ask the clerk how much individual items cost.
8. somehow, find a way to get kicked out of dollar store, being dragged by security yelling "Nuke the cows!" and "We're all stars... in our own right!"
9. play those arcade shooting games until your arms lock. "i can't move em, but they can take down helicopters with a .45!"
10. learn to be a ninja. "KAGE BUNSHIN HAREM NO-JUTSU! HENGE!"
    
11. learn to be a ninja based solely on the teachings of Naruto. "BAKA NO-JUTSU! BAKA!"
    
12. read all of any post entitled "bored?"
    

ivanka

1-2-3 go

I'm gonna be the bride for the hundredth time
Faded beauty eyes with some worry lines
I'm not gonna crash in the friendly skies
A tall glass of water just to stay alive

(Wanna you wanna you wanna you wanna be the)

A knockout in a sea of faces
She's a walk-on, seen so many places
In a rocket she's filling up the spaces
A reflection, and she's in the news again

Backwards, forwards, A to Z
You look for your future in a cup of tea
You've made the connection and you've seen the Light
But you still can't seem to get it right

A knockout in a sea of faces
She's a walk-on, I will sing her praises
and it's our house, we make the rules
It's a reflection, and she's in the news again

Climb, climb Caroline, don't look down
The flying trapeze never hangs with clowns
The basketful of kisses that you pass around
Is like a two car garage in a one horse town

A knockout in a sea of faces
In a rocket, filling up the spaces
and it's our house, we make the rules
It's a reflection
1-2-3 go

Gonna be a bride for the hundredth time
Faded beauty eyes with some worry lines
I'm not gonna crash in the friendly skies
Living on the border just to stay alive

A knockout in a sea of faces
In a rocket, seen so many phases
She's a walk-on, filling up the spaces
a reflection, and she makes the rules
'cause she's a knockoff in a sea of face

In the drive-by, we will sing her praises
In the rocket, she will break the rules
It's a reflection, and she's in the news

In the drive-by, all the pretty faces
A knock off, in a sea of faces
A knock off, in a sea of faces
going nowhere, she makes the rules
she's in a movie
and she's not mine
and I want her
and I want her
and I want her
and she's not mine
and I want her
yeah I want her
to be the one