strugglefications

so i look around and i've come to something close to closure on this topic. i'm thinking that either everyone else has gone through what i'm going through and now have everything together, or they are very good actors/actresses, or they never encounter these problems and stuggles, or yet, that they ignore it and go on with their live (so in a sense, complacency).
i don't know about you but it seems like i'm constantly fighting a war. on sin yet sometimes against God and most of the time against myself. maybe this is the price of Christianity, of being "in the know", that you'll be constantly immersed in struggles and conflicts - most of which are against your very nature. what a toughie. and i've got to say, i'm more than a little tired. tired of having to choose, the same choices, the wrong choices again and again. and then comes the self-pummelling and then the depressive moods. then comes regret and guilt that won't let me sleep. then comes the return to God, beaten to a bloody pulp. He takes me and makes me whole again. then it starts all over again.
old habits die hard holding on. ZOMGWTFunk. sometimes, i see other people and think, "How come they don't go through this? How come God gave me this conscience? Without it, I might just be happier." then i realize the horrible flaw in that type of thinking, because if you're happy and content with yourself here, then basically you're deeming yourself perfect and thus, without need of God. i can say that, but i can't seem to wrap my head around the idea of us being in constant dependence on God. but that's the beauty of it all, isn't it?
it's not even whether He will forgive me again (to the power of infinity) but it's a matter of whether i'm actually willing to let go of the Peter Pan Complex that limits my growth... giving up is easy. too easy. isn't it?

Heedless, the long and sleepless nights,
Pillow soaked with tears, from another losing-fight.
Pointless, the bitterness she holds,
Coming back to haunt her, from a past that's dead and cold.
What about the life?
What about the Light?

Hopeless, is how she says she feels.
She drinks a glass of water and she swallows another pill.
Useless, just like your memories.
They captivate her thoughts, till the past is all she can see.
She wants to run away.
She needs to get away.

It's time to get away,
Cross the canyon of your dreams,
Burn the bridge of unbelief.
We can get away.
By the power of His name,
He will set your past aflame.

It's time to let down your bridges.
Let down your bridges.

- Iconoclast, Bridges