seeing Red.

so today didn't turn out as fantastic as i had hoped. all it takes is one normally insignificant thing at the wrong time to throw me off. and leave it to emo-me to overthink and overreact. i felt the Red calling. the feeling that makes one's vision clouded, fogged and most definitely distorted. and i must say, it felt perfectly fitting, for the setting, for my state of mind, for me. and yet i know i'm being irrational and over... sensitive. and the sad thing is, this is me. this is where i'm from, what i fall into. sometimes, it feels easy, simple to drop back and succumb to desires. desire to be affectionate, to be hateful, to be selfish, to not give a damn about anyone else. see how easy that was? all too. blame moods. blame emotions. blame misunderstanding. blame miscommunication. blame you. blame me. blame God. been there, done that. neither is it fun nor is it productive.
this is the first flare up of Red since a long time ago, so long ago that i don't remember the last time. and man, did it come back with a vengeance. seclusion and brooding does nothing but fan the these black flames, and i nurture it, call it my own. why? because it's what i'm good at. these flares have grown less frequent as i've grown. sadly, that says nothing about intensity. if anything, i'd think this was the most subtle, and most disquieting experience that i've experienced. not ever, but close. not that i found it disquieting at the time, i actually enjoyed the peaks, in a sick sort of self-mutilating mentality. and it's not like i gave a damn at the time. sickening things, the thoughts and meditations of my mind were.
of course, now that it's died down a bit (thanks to my few good, fellow soldiers by my side), i realize the flawed thinking behind it all. i can only describe it as a sort of... "embrace that which hurts you". but that's the beauty and danger of the Red, it seems totally natural at the time. complete inebriation. sounds so ugly. hurts so good. my Green out there, wherever it is, might just compliment and counterbalance my Red. even so, i am too damned frustrated with myself for getting so bent out shape over illegitimate reasons and illegitimate reasoning to think straight, let alone leave myself vulnerable like that. i doubt it anyway.
somtimes i wonder, how could such an idiotic thing become so wrought with such anger? and where does Red come from? i think it started with when i asked the retarded question, "am i sure?" and from that doubt it took hold and before i knew it, i was brooding and seething like the extremist that i am. and apparently telling myself that i won't let it happen does not help. the Red manages to filter through. now i'm slipt between wishing this gap could be mended and picking up a shovel and helping it along. we'll see, won't we?