how ironic.

i don't understand many things, like God and His ways. i do understand, however, that i won't ever be able to understand Him, but that doesn't mean i'll stop seeking Him. no, not ever. on the contrary, everytime He hides some of Himself, it naturally piques my curiosity and i seek Him even more. still, one thing remains that confounds me: why me? i mean, why me, out of the multitudes? why did / does God choose me over the countless others? "Who Am I?" in earnest. i mean, i've definitely never done anything to deserve any love from anyone (especially not a righteous and perfect god) - in fact, i've done things that would do nothing but to test His love, to make it hard for God. there are people, none believers even, who are less sinful than i, and all i feel is a sense of inadequacy. i mean, God deserves better. i'm a failure.

how very true, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15). and how i loathe myself. i need not search far to find evil's archetype, for it is from within myself, not without, that evil and sinful desires come. and sadly, more often than not the flesh's weakness overpowers the strength of the spirit. but trudging on with nothing but God at my side is the only thing that i can do, keeping the ultimate goal in mind. always keeping that in mind. Art's message today was quite moving / thought-provoking, as was sunday school. persistence is only sustainable if something - a reward worth striving for, hurting for, and suffering for - is expected at the end. amen. i'm hopeful.

i found it quite awkward , sitting just a brief moment ago in the board room; during the Hosanna core members' meeting, they were discussing certain people who require "extra care". i referred to them as "they" because i don't exactly fit in with them (or maybe i was just out of it). i'm no leader, what's God trying to pull? i can barely get my own life together can't even get myself together, much less help others and care for others. i look around and my friends who i've grown up with are doing great; they're mature, serving, leading, and growing up into perfect Christians. the first thought that runs through my mind is, "ZOMG, WTFISWRONGWITHME?!" and the second thought is, "Wow, what is wrong with me?!" and so on until i manage to push it out of my mind. they might deserve to be leaders, i don't. i'm unworthy.

and so i sat in that meeting, people talking around me about how much we should be caring for the new ones, and whatnot. something just didn't feel right, that i was sitting in a meeting with people discussing caring for others, i'm not sure what it was. maybe it's because i know myself that i'm too wrapped up in the folds of my own life to care about the lives, pains, and struggles of others, aren't i? how very pathetic i must be to others. i'm apathetic.

maybe all this stuff i'm saying is just my own subconscious cry for attention. not so subconscious now, i guess. once again, why would i deserve attention? what have i ever done to deserve, command, or attract care? nothing. zilch. yet God listens to prayers. friends listen to rants. true friends dress my wounds, and God heals them. how selfish of me to ever want anything more. i thank God for being my god, for choosing me to be His child, for overlooking my transgressions, and for loving me, bar none. i also thank Him for my friends that are always there for me, that don't always tell me what i'd like to hear, but rather, what i need to hear; "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword." (Proverbs 5:3-4). for friends who are honest and caring, i am truly glad. i'm blessed.

if we know God, then we must know His instruction, but how can we possibly hope to know His will if we do not listen to Him when He calls? simple: we can't. that's why my Bible now goes with me everywhere. i don't even know how i got by all those years when i neglected my God. and that's what it is: negligence. i didn't believe that it would really make a difference in my life, spending time with God. but it does, take my word on it. and the way i see it now, how can we call ourselves Christians and possibly hope to go out and do His will when we don't even allow Him to do His will in us, when we don't even "have the time" to read His word.
someone asked me the other day - jokingly - when i corrected the teacher's error relating to Biblical matters, "What, do you study your Bible in your free time or something?!"
i replied, "No. I don't read my Bible in my spare time."
"What?! I thought you were a Christian though!"
"I am, that's why I try to make time."

here's my point: read your Bible, or die. simple as that. damn North America. i mean seriously, damn us and our "culture", our "everything is disposable" attitude, our laid-back, time wasting lifestyles. i get pissed when i think of how many people out there who don't even know the name of Jesus and how we here in the global north own several editions and versions of the Holy Bible but don't read it. in light of that, i promised to read my Bible, to wake up early to do nothing other than to spend those precious moments in the morning with my God, praying, reading, and listening. i might not have as much sleep as before but who needs sleep when you've got God to refresh, renew, and replenish? once again, God will give us what we need, what's best for us, and maybe what our hearts desire (depending on His approval) if we'd only fear, love, and thus, listen to Him.