Thou Art Mine

I just wanted to note this down right here and now before I go on with life and forget about what God has done for me within the last couple days. Here is a verse to think about for later (emphasis mine).

Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.

Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?

Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.

- Romans 11:33-36 (The Message)

Yesterday, I got home from Hosanna Camp/Retreat and quickly wrote the post immediately before this. It was all about love languages. Guess what I was thinking about? Correct. And soon after, I had one of the worst experiences of -- I'm wary of saying "my life" since I have no idea what is in store later on or what I have already forgotten but anyway -- my life, equivalent to someone taking a rug you are firmly standing on (having been convinced that it was safe to stand on) and ripping it violently out from under you, only the rug was more like an entire chunk of your world. You must understand that this sickening feeling and its attached incident had swept me off my feet, as the turn of phrase goes, completely unawares.
You see, my previous night, as previously mentioned in the previous post, had been spent spilling my personal guts, and not just to God this time around. This led me to a certain feeling of closeness and intimacy with the spillee (I think it's pretty obvious who it is I'm talking about so don't make me make like a cudgel). Yet in answering a wandering question of mine yesterday, I was accidentally given the impression that I was only spinning stories in my head, rather than yarn for a lovely sweater-to-be. Well, I'm pretty sure you, my super empathetic readers, can feel my pain and anguish.
I promptly spent the next few moments panicking and extrapolating and nauseating over the aforementioned news. Questions exploding from me, I desperately grasped for clarification or confirmation (I sought the former over the latter in this case). God bless her, it turns out she answered... well, she answered a question I never asked (and hope I won't have to). It was just terrible timing and miry misunderstanding (both of which can tend to wreak havoc on me personally) that led to such a calamitous coincidence.
So yes, after all that had been cleared up, I was still feeling queasy as I'm sure anyone would after having been so soundly shaken up. Lacking any rest or peace inside myself, I besought it elsewhere, the only place I usually look for it (though I don't look for it often). Anyway, I was given much more than just consolation/encouragement. He actually didn't give me much consoling considering what I was squirming over. What I was given, however, was a remnider of who I am, where I stand, and where I am to find my worth and love. I do believe that it is in times such as these that God causes revelation within that leads to revolution without. I think [one of] the most important part of a vibrant and growing spiritual life is seeking and receiving (but not "unearthing" mind you) wisdom and understanding from God on high.
The reason I am about to digress a little to explain why "not 'unearthing'" is because it is a very serious lie that points towards a much deeper problem within the human heart. When talking about wisdom and little so-called "hidden gems" of the same, some people have encouraged others to go to the Bible to find and discover wisdom. This may seem as me being picky about words, but I think it is quite important to mean what I say and say what I mean. Anyway, I believe the whole "seeking to find" attitude is actually not the correct model of Christianity/diction. I simply want to point out that wisdom and revelation are given and instilled by God, and not found or discovered through intense scrutiny of Holy Scripture. That's not to say that extensive studying of the Scipture is not good -- in fact, only a rare few ever do so, and it ought to be a respected and valued discipline. I'm only saying that without God's revelation and intentional grace, dry dissection of Scriptures leads only to righteousness like that of the Pharisees.
I do believe that many times we tend to forget to seek from God the essentials of living and growing from the very/only place they come from. I can testify to living this proud and pseudo-self-sufficient life when I refuse to ask God to speak through the Bible, or refuse to ask Him for His will while interposing my own requests disguised as His upon Him. God will not be fooled (Gal. 6:7). I started thinking about all this when Perry explained to me his hate for "grocery list prayers" one night. It may seem like a bright and even humble idea to approach God with our requests, especially constantly. For that is the true mark of a dependant disciple, right? Wrong. One who understands the deeper meaning of dependance would not rely on his/her own incomplete understanding of present and future situations to pass judgement as to what is to be done and to make "appropriated requests" of God.
Let's say you ask for something that is in God's will. If your desires are aligned with God's will, I do believe that your request will be granted -- yet not because of your actual prayer, but because God was willing anyway. But let's say you ask for something that is not what God's will is. What happens then? If you later cause that which you requested to happen, would your prayer have been simply a self-fulfilling prophecy of sinful rebellion? Or what if God allows/makes provision for your request, even though it is not what He had planned for you. That is settling for much less than perfect at best. Finally, God may simply turn you down and not provide for your request, in which case one may be tempted to doubt the complete sufficiency/omnipotence of the Creator of this world.
It is ultimately prideful to approach God with an agenda and/or shopping list of requests, hoping that maybe if one asks enough or if one is lucky enough, God might actually grant a wish. Does that not remind you of how a genie works? Rub him the right way, ask for something with the right words, have faith that it can be granted, and wait. The humble approach (as God has caused me to understand) is to ask and ask and ask, but not for ourselves. Ask for His will to be done, for His kingdom to come, for Him to make himself manifest, for His beautifying of all things in His timing, etc...
Anyway, after that massive detour, I will continue with my original story. Yes, so to recap, I was feeling like treaded on carpet -- but to give her credit, she had not intended what I had interpreted -- even after clarification. I did not exactly feel consoled when I hit the sack. I did however wake up early to spend more time with God, this time listening for His will to be heard and watching for His face to be seen, both of which were requested for the night before. It came to me in two parts. I had been reading the later books of Romans since part way through last week, and I had been receiving small bits of conviction, comfort, and revelation in short spurts at a time. So the first part was shared with me during the reading of the Bible. The second part God had prepared for me to find/feel/experience/enjoylive off of throughout my wonderful day.
So now, within about three to five days, I've gone from dead to old to new to alive to elated to crushed to heartsick to dejected to lost to humbled to freed to... whatever I am right now. I think it's something like, the closest thing to being in love as imagined by me. The reason I say "the closest thing to" is because I don't ever want to rule out the possibility that an even deeper, richer, fuller love can always be found within God's endless grace. I do know that this has been the most in love I've ever been, and I can testify to the fact that love is most definitely not an emotion. It's easy to say God's love is not founded upon emotion, since God is truly that powerful, but it's harder to say the same about human love. I don't want to dare to say I love God, but if I do -- and it would be ever so imperfectly so -- I would just like to tell this very limited portion of the world (i.e. the few that actually read this far) about it.
I must clarify for you right now that I am not emotionally charged right now. It's not that I am feeling nothing at the moment. It is just that I am... not so much feeling, but... experiencing and knowing this deep deep love of God for me that won't ever be taken away, dulled by time; or leave, change for the worse, compromise, falter, or die. There is not a single person alive or object in creation that can distract His gaze or His attention. The wonderful thing about this love is that it can never ever be justified either, because it is completely without logical or legal reasoning. It has no sense, no rationality -- you know, basically a lot of that which we seriously overvalue nowadays -- behind it whatsoever. Since it cannot be earned and is not deserved, it cannot be lost through anything I do, think, or am, or anything else you can think of (Rom 8:38-39).** One can only wonder at God's love and grace, and ask as David Crowder does, "How could You be so good to me?!" (No One Like You).
God is good. God is infinitely, eternally, continually, perfectly, indescribably good. Amen.

** As a sidenote that relates from here back to the ripping of rug, I believe that that must be [at least somewhat] how it feels like when true love ends. I really do. Thankfully, I -- though not knowing the future -- believe and place my hope in the Only One who can make all things beautiful in due time, and hereby promise to patiently await the unveiling of His will and plan for us while fervently building what He commands us to build and loving how He calls us to love.